Addicted For Life

My eyes opened to the bright rays of the sun that peeked through the blinds of the windows. I had a massive headache, and I was getting sick. I walked over to the blinds and shut them, then closed the curtains over them; the sun was my worst enemy. I crawled back into my bed and buried my face in the pillow. I heard footsteps from outside of my bedroom that kept getting louder by the second, soon my door opened. I didn’t pay attention to who it was, it could’ve been a robber and I wouldn’t have cared. All I want is an Advil, beer, and heroin. I’ll be happy after that.

“Hey sleepy head, I got you breakfast. I know you could use something to eat.” Matt’s voice was something I could tolerate hearing, it was so unique and I loved the way he spoke. I could only imagine him singing—let’s hope he has to go the recording studio to sing today too. I groaned and sat up in bed to see a tray of scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, and a glass of orange juice. He knows how to treat a lady.

“Thank you; do you have Advil—and a beer?” I asked, taking a bite of my bacon. I was starving and this would be my first real meal in awhile. I savored the taste of the food with every bite I took, this man can cook.

“I have both of those, but I’m afraid you’re only getting the Advil.” He smiled at me and walked out of the room.

“But I’m not an alcoholic!” I whined. I really wasn’t addicted to alcohol. I drank it, but it wasn’t like heroin to me. He didn’t say anything back until he got back up the stairs.

“Well you can’t take Advil and beer together, or you’ll see pink elephants.” He said, handing me the small pill. I threw it in my mouth and swallowed it without water, I used to be heavily into over the counter medicines but I moved onto heroin.

“Well fine, but you better let me have a beer once in awhile. I’m going to die already without heroin.” I groaned, but I knew under the bed held my most prized possession.

“You can have one later, it’s too early to drink. Now eat and get up. I washed your clothes for you when I got up this morning and threw them in the dryer, you can wear them now. They’re hanging up in the bathroom. I’m going to go get ready myself. I’ll wait downstairs for you,” Matt said and walked out of the room.

As soon as I knew he was gone I took a bag of heroin out from underneath the bed. I had to crawl all the way under and grab my cooker and needle. As soon as I did, I ran into the bathroom and only used a little bit of heroin—I didn’t want to get too high. Once I finished prepping the heroin, I searched my body for a vein that I could use. I found a vein in my right arm, which seemed to be my best friend right now, and pushed the needle inside. It hurt, but it wouldn’t after I injected the contents. Slowly I pushed the heroin into my bloodstream. The slower I did it, the more pleasurable the high I was getting felt. I took the needle out feeling satisfied, and shoved it back under the bed.

“Hey—oh Nicole what are you doing under the bed?” Matt surprised me out of fucking nowhere. I got so scared; I jumped up and hit my head on the boards that supported the bed. I muttered a few swear words and came out from underneath.

“I, uh, dropped some food down there!” I didn’t look at him, I was too guilty.

“Nicole, you finished eating before I left.” He was getting pissed off, now that he caught me in a lie.

“Oh, well, I saw a little piece fall and I waited until you left to go get it!” I lied, again.

“Move, now!” He commanded, and I crawled away from the bed. He reached under the bed and pulled out everything I had stored under there. I brought my knees up to my chest and started sobbing.

“I’m sorry...” I said in a whisper, I didn’t know what else to say. He caught me in a lie, for lying I was hiding something he was trying to get away from me.

“Why? Tell me. Why do this if I’m trying to help you?” He asked.

“I don’t know,” I cried even harder now. I felt sick to my stomach and ran across the hall to the bathroom to throw up—wonderful. Matt came up behind me and held back my hair and rubbed my back as I let my first meal in weeks empty into now not so porcelain bowl. Once I was done, he held me close to his chest and rubbed my back.

“Nicole, you’re not going to get better if you sneak out and get drugs. I’m not going to hit you, or even hurt you in any way for doing this. I may yell, but it’s only because I care. Now I want you to get dressed while I throw this stuff out. You cannot go out and get anything anymore, unless I can trust you to go to the store by yourself to get something.”

“I want one more chance, but I just want to get better and I can’t! I know I can’t!” I was still crying a little which made my words hard for him to understand.

“Nicole, don’t you ever say you can’t. Never say it. Anything is possible. Do you think some people that were just as addicted to heroin as you are cleaned up? They did. They may not have had help let you are having, so you’re getting an extra boost. Everyone else has given up on you, but I’ve only talked to you for a few months and I know you’re a beautiful, intelligent girl that can clean up her act and do whatever she wants in life. Now, let’s start over today. I’ll pretend this never happened.” I slid off his lap and grabbed the clothes that were folded on the towel rack. It was my plain Old Navy t-shirt and torn jeans that I wore just about everyday while I lived in the alley. Oh how I hated these clothes.

I walked back into my room and looked under the bed, in hopes that Matt had missed a bag of heroin. I reached under enough to feel one bag still there. A big grin spread across my face. I felt around for my needle and cooker, hoping when he pulled out the heroin he didn’t grab that too. He didn’t take that either. I took the things and hid them under the mattress of the bed this time. I knew he wouldn’t think to look under there. I put on my torn up and ugly Nike shoes that I stole from a garage sale on my feet and knew I had something to look forward to tonight besides ‘being clean.’

“Nicole, are you ready?” I heard Matt call up to me.

“Coming!” I yelled as I ran down the stairs, and fixing my hair at the same time.

We hopped into his Ford Explorer and into the beautiful summer day in Huntington Beach. As much as I was thrilled about going out shopping with Matt, I still felt guilty by not telling him about the heroin he forgot under the bed. But what should I care? It just means I can get high again tonight, and I’d like that very much.