Mixed and Matched Once More on the Floor

When you stand out in the rain and it hits your skin, feeling like it could tear it up into dark red scars, then it can feel like everything you have said and done could just wash off.

Imagine the wet drops meeting your skin and cleaning everything bad off; you could have a fresh start, and nothing from the past really matters because this time, it’s your time.

Andreas wished this could happen.

He was standing out in the rain, his cigarette sitting forgotten between his fingers as he looked out into the dark. Lately, rain and darkness had been the perfect mix for Andreas, because – like the cliché Andreas had always previously hated – in the rain, no one can see you crying.

Everything had happened so quickly, no one had really understood before it was too late. If he had had some more sense, he would have forced Eric to go to the doctor much sooner than this. But he could never force Eric to do anything the boy didn’t want to do. He could never bring himself to be forceful when Eric looked at him with that hurt expression, telling Andreas that if he really loved him, he would trust him when he said that he was okay.

He had been so stupid, doing exactly what the teenager had done, pretending that everything was normal, even though he had had that gut feeling that something was seriously wrong. Thinking about it now, he really should learn to follow his gut feeling a little bit more.

Sighing, Andreas blinked up into the rain, dropping the cigarette, which had already being put out by the water covering the white paper. Crushing it under his foot, he thought about how easy it was to just end some things. He wasn’t sure if the cigarette could be classed as ‘ended’ just because he was crushing it, but for some strange reason he felt a small amount of guilt.

The rain had not washed away the pain he felt, or the dirt he imagined was covering him the whole time, but it had given him a little strength to at least try to act normal when he went back inside.

“Is it raining?” Eric whispered. The question was unnecessary, as Andreas’s hair was hanging in wet strands over his face and shoulders, and his clothes were soaked in water. They left small puddles as he walked across the room.

“Just a little,” Andreas answered, forcing a soft smile as he started to take off his clothes.

“You could’ve smoked inside…,” Eric mumbled, turning his gaze away as tears started burning his eyelids.

“I needed some fresh air,” Andreas said as he turned around, pulling on a set of clean clothes, using it as an excuse for taking so much time. He needed to collect his thoughts, to look away from the boy for a moment. “And I don’t want you to get worse.”

“Yeah, ‘cause you smoking outside will really make me better,” Eric snarled, his voice still in a whisper but the irritation causing his tears to stop falling.

“Eric...” Once again, Andreas turned around, just looking at the pale boy lying in the bed. His face was turned away from Andreas, his arms crossed, with the angry, tense posture that he seemed to have had for the last month. He wasn’t sure about what to say, knowing that no matter how good he usually was with words, he would never be able to find the words to comfort Eric. “It just… It just doesn’t feel like I’m hurting you more then.”

“But it doesn’t matter,” Eric sighed, glancing up at the older man with a face showing that he was incredibly tired on top of everything else. “Nothing really matters now, does it?”

To that, Andreas didn’t have any answer. He wanted to tell Eric that all their time together mattered, that they should make the best of it and try not to think about anything other than their time together. But he knew that whatever they did, Andreas would just think ‘how often will we manage this?’, ‘how long until this is too much for him?’ and ‘he’s too broken…’

Everything had changed for them both, and even though Andreas had tried to make things better by hiding the feelings threatening to break him down, even though he had tried to be strong for the boy, Eric still had a hard time keeping himself awake for long periods, and more often than ever he broke down. Very rarely did he cry; the pain and exhaustion he felt seemed too big for tears.

Tugging on a pair of pyjama bottoms, Andreas walked across the room, lying down in the bed next to Eric. He moved the boy’s head to the side, forcing him to look at his older boyfriend. You could see deep in the azure blue eyes that Eric was hurt and tired; his eyes looked empty, and had lost so much of their former glow that it almost hurt Andreas to see them. Words seemed almost unnecessary; everything about Eric hurt Andreas now, in one way or another.

“For me it matters, as long as you don’t give up,” Andreas whispered softly, his thumb sliding over the thin cheekbone, slowly pulling Eric closer. He pressed a light kiss to the withered lips.

“But I’m tired,” Eric whispered back, his hand sliding down the strong chest, blinking up at the older man. “Andreas…”

There was so much more he wanted to say to the man, but he just couldn’t. He was sure that it would hurt Andreas more than it hurt him, and for Eric it was really hurting more than he could take. And it’s not as if Andreas would listen or even try to understand; he was too busy trying to stay strong for Eric to realize that Eric could see through his shield.

Lying in bed all day with people coming and going, telling him that they loved him, he had learned to look past their words and observe what they were inside. He sometimes hated learning this, because it felt like nothing would ever be the same, and when he looked into Andreas’s eyes, he could only see all the love the man had for him, and the pain Eric had caused him.

It wasn’t the best mix, and Eric hated that Andreas didn’t even blame him for what was about to happen; it made it so much harder for him to just let go, especially when all the man wanted was for Eric to stay strong long enough to find a cure.

He had started to get too tired for that; all he ever wanted to do was to drift off to sleep, and not have to see the pain in Andreas’s eyes, or the pain in his family and friends’ eyes. It was almost too much for him to see this, but it felt even worse to know how much pain he would soon cause so many people.

“You should try to get some sleep, just for a while,” Andreas whispered, his finger rubbing so softly and gently over the boy’s jaw line that Eric thought that he had imagined it.

Eric wanted to say the words; he wanted to say that if he goes to sleep now he wouldn’t want to wake up. He wants to stay asleep, and not have to care about this pain anymore. Right then, Eric couldn’t care less about what would happen when he died, he only cared about the fact that whatever happened, would be a relief.

Andreas watched Eric drift off to sleep once again, knowing that he was selfish for saying things like that to Eric when the boy was so clearly in pain. And the reason for it was nothing more than just plain selfishness.

It had taken a long time to admit to himself that he was attracted to the teenage boy; after that, admitting it to everybody else had been easy. He had wasted so much time that he wanted to make up to Eric.

He watched the teenager tucked up by his side, lightly snoring in that all too soft way that he had adopted after getting sick. The boy no longer looked like he had done at the start of their relationship; his hair was hanging in greasy strips over his pale cheeks and his otherwise beautiful face had become almost unbearably thin. His cheeks had started to sink in, and had an almost grey tone to them.

And yet, the boy still looked stunning to Andreas, as he chose to not to see what really was happening to his teenage lover. The boy still looked so young, and more fragile than ever. He didn’t want that to change; he knew that losing Eric would be too much for him to bear.

Andreas had been there for Emil when his brother committed suicide; he had seen how hard it was for Emil to accept it - not to get over it, because no one could ever get over something like that. But losing Eric would be too hard for Andreas; the teenager was his love of the life, however stupid it may sound, and Andreas didn’t want to be left alone after finally having admitted that he was in love.

Andreas could never have guessed how Eric was feeling at that moment. Inside, Eric was thrashing around, he was crying and screaming to Andreas every single thing he wished he had said before, when they had more time.

It felt like his body was being split into pieces, his skin burning and his nails being pulled out, as his blood seemed to literally boil and someone was there, tugging on every part of his skin telling him to come with them.
However, on the outside, the boy was stone cold and still.

It should have scared Eric, but in some weird way it was simply calming to him; after what felt like a never-ending struggle, the torture was over, and he could feel a cold breeze over his face, soothing him into tears.

Andreas’s heart thudded in panic when he noticed that something was wrong with Eric.

Now, Eric felt calm. Nothing was hurting and he could cry without caring. Something had changed for him now, and forever.

Something had also changed for Andreas now, and forever.

The difference was, as the younger boy’s pain had just ended, it had just started for the older man.

After two years of hope and love, he was alone.