Fly Me Away

It only took him three words to get me to haul my ass out of there, crying like the pathetic child I was. I knew I was taking a huge risk, throwing it all out there like that, but I had hope. If I had any skill at reading men at all, I was doing the right thing.

Obviously I had no skill.

It wasn’t just what he said, it was the way he said it. It made me want to curl into my shell and die.

Jackson furrowed his eyebrows and turned away from me, muttering under his breath. “What a waste...” he said, just loud enough for me to hear it.

I watched my heart painfully break in half and without a second thought, I ran back home, not giving a toss that I’d left my stupid dog behind. Jackson could sort that thing out; I just wanted to get away.

The pain didn't stay severe for very long. Eventually it turned from sadness, to embarrassment, then finally it became anger. I beg your pardon, it became blind fury.

Five hours and forty eight minutes later, I was eating dinner, glad that he hadn’t shown his stunning, atrocious face to me since I’d left. I sat across from Mom, glaring daggers at my roasted chicken and vegetables. My cutlery screeched around the plate and I shoved the food into my mouth roughly.

“What’s wrong honey?” she spoke calmly, tilting her head and smiling sincerely.

“Jackson,” I spat, “I hate him.”

She had nothing more to say about it, apart from an almost inaudible, “oh dear.” No doubt she could see it wasn’t a good time to discuss. Perhaps tomorrow, if he was still avoiding me, I’d settle down and tell her what happened using half truths like, “he said he didn’t love me,”and, “he was just using me to get attention.” True, but not completely true. He never said he didn’t love me, just that he didn’t want my love, but….maybe he was just using me for attention….

I almost bent my fork in half.

“I have work to do,” I stated, snatching my plate off the table and slamming it into the dish washer aggressively. Mom would normally have scolded me for doing something like that, being such a drama queen, but not today.

“Alright honey,” she said quietly, smiling and picking her plate up too, “try to relax a little bit. Have a nice soak in the bath.”

Any other day a bath may have been tempting. I marched up to my room, stormed in, then yanked my homework out of my school bag and threw it on the bed. The curtains were open, so I rushed over to close them, fuming at the thought of seeing him outside….but I couldn’t do it. I sighed and left a space where the light could come though, just in case….

----

My bedside clock said 9:12 PM when he finally showed up.

I hadn’t noticed him at first. The CD in the stereo had since finished, and my room was completely silent, apart from the sound of a pen scribbling. My homework was sprawled across the bed, almost done. I had put my head down and thrown myself into 7 classes worth of late homework in an attempt to clear my head of a certain someone. My eyes struggled to focus once I finally lifted them.

He was sitting on a small sofa in the corner of my room, watching me. He looked beautiful, of course; his hair was elegantly windswept and he had a nice black button up shirt on. This only encouraged the tears, but I wasn’t about to let him see me cry again. No way.

I slapped my algebra book shut. I’d had enough.

“Forget it. Just forget I said anything okay, it slipped out. I didn’t mean it,” I confessed, lying straight through my teeth.

He sat still, his face looking tranquil, if not a little bit tired. It made me angrier.

“I didn’t mean to offend you,” he said easily, as if he could tell this wasn’t going to fix anything. He was right, it wasn’t, but anything he said would help his cause. I hated how much I loved his voice; the dark velvet sound that made my stomach somersault.

I hated it.

My ploy crumbled. There was no pretending that I didn’t mean what I said. That was impossible; I meant it too much. “That’s not fair. You can’t break my heart like that then—” my voice hitched and I bit my lip, averting my eyes. I was determined not to cry.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” He ran a hand through his hair and shook his head, “I’m not a good choice for you Maggie.”

He wasn’t the one who got to decide, that was me. I would never let something absurd like that get in my way. I looked up at him harshly, hot tears streaming down my face. “Is that it?”

He sighed, leaning back against the chair, “Yes.”

“Are you just making fun of me?”

“No!” His green eyes snapped to mine, shocked, then he cringed upon seeing my tears. Good. “I…why would you say that?”

“You don’t see anything wrong with the situation I’m in right now? You being my boyfriend, but not really….You’re just teasing me. You know how I feel, yet you insist on doing this,” I swiped my sleeve across my eyes roughly, then sniffled, “you’re a jerk you know. I’m not one of your angel buddys, I have feelings. “

He spoke quietly, mostly to himself, “I never meant to…”

I shook my head; that wasn’t good enough. My hand shot out and I switched off the bedside lamp, leaving the moonlight coming through my balcony window as the only source of light. I stood, throwing my bed covers down and slipping underneath them. All of my finished homework slid off my bed and landed on the floor with a thump. I didn’t care.

“I’m an angel Maggie, you’re forgetting this,” he sounded firmer now, “Feelings are powerful, but you need to use your common sense.”

He should have just stopped then, let me sleep some of this away. I couldn’t believe he had more salt to put on the wound. I snapped, “So you think I’m crazy? I’m just wasting my feelings on something like you?”

He shook his head, “Not crazy. Irrational.”

“….I don’t care what you are,” I whispered harshly.

He laughed, once, a low humorless laugh. “It’s not that easy. It isn’t something you can just overlook.”

Jackson turned his back to me and glided over to the balcony. He stood there for a moment, directly in the pale blue pool of light. I watched in awe as it lit up his gold hair and painted his skin a piercing blue color.

Then he shut the blinds abruptly.

“I won’t be here forever Maggie,” he said through the darkness, “I may be different, but the logic is still the same. I do as I’m told. If a messenger comes to me tomorrow and tells me to leave you and fly across the world, I will not hesitate.”

That was the excuse I was looking for. He couldn’t be with me. I’d never thought about him leaving before. That would hurt so much, even if we weren’t anything more than friends, I would still be losing my Jackson.

I shrugged and wiped the tears from my eyes with my thumb. He wins again.

Maybe he had some weakness in there for me, but it was something he couldn’t act on. If they existed, his feelings weren’t as strong as mine. I was ready to push everything aside just to get him, whereas he had to put his job before me, no matter what.

I couldn’t see in the dark like he could, but I could feel him there. He walked over to me and stood by my bedside. I urged my eyes to adjust just that little bit faster than usual; I didn’t want to miss anything he did. If he was going to leave….

He sat down gracefully on the bed beside my lying form and I quickly sat up, unable to keep myself tame in such a close proximity. I could smell him for God’s sake, and it drove me crazy. It wasn’t fair that he could calm me like that, make me forget how angry I was at him.

My heart jump started when the back of his fingers touched my cheekbone.

“Don’t get me wrong," his fingers weaved through my hair and curved around my ear slowly, "I like you very much, my dear Maggie. More that anyone else in the world."

Hope. It was so small, but felt strong….maybe….he loved me too? Or, not quite love but….almost. My vision had adjusted enough now and I could see his perfect silhouette so close to me.

I don’t know what happened.

My hands shot out greedily and took hold of his shirt collar. I felt the sting under my right thumb, but ignored it completely. I had more important things on my mind.

“Kiss me,” I breathed.

He was frozen under my hold. A smooth, marble statue, with piercing green eyes. I was mesmerized by his eyes, not a hand space from mine. They were one of the only things visible to me in the dark.

“Kiss me Jackson,” I demanded, “You can make fun of me all you want if you let me have this. If I’m going to lose you tomorrow, let me have this one thing.”

The anticipation was burning a hole in my chest. He wasn’t moving, and I wasn’t about to completely throw myself at him, just egg him on a little. It wasn’t the same if he didn’t want it like I did.

“No,” he stated firmly.

Liar.

I wasn’t giving up, that wasn’t enough. I couldn’t pry my eyes away from his somber face – he was struggling. He said he would do anything I asked, and he wanted to. “You said—”

“Anything but this,” he interrupted, sighing with frustration.

“No, this,” I placed my hand on his jaw, “You. Owe. Me. This.”

I saw it, the twitch, the slight softening of his pale green eyes – the weakness.

“Maggie,” he warned in a dangerously low growl.

“Jackson,” I whispered back, conjuring up the most seductive tone I could muster. I leaned into him, resting my elbow on his shoulder and giving him no room to escape. I was so close...

It worked.

That look in his eyes drove me insane; Jackson wanting me. His breathing was shaky and he let out a sigh of defeat, his eyebrows knitting together. I shivered when his warm breath swept over my lips.

What a beautiful creature he was.

His hands rose and he placed them softly on my waist, then pulled me to him. His lips pressed to mine, giving me just enough to register how sweet he tasted before he so rudely pulled back. I stared at him, confused. He’d done what I asked, he’d kissed me, but I desperately wanted him to keep going. I couldn’t speak after that, but I gave him a hard stare – one that said ‘I love you, don’t you dare stop.’

The weakness - there it was again.

He swiftly pulled me back to him, then slid his strong hand around my jaw, tilting my head and kissing me agonizingly slowly. I felt it that time, the sweetness, the emotions, the heat. I sighed, kissing him back without a second thought. My heart was pumping blood loudly in my ears, which was all I could hear. It was so loud. My hands started roving uncontrollably, making their way from his rock solid chest right up to his soft mess of gold hair.

I thought I was going to catch fire. He was so good…

And just like that, he froze, completely unmoving against my raging body. This, inturn, made me stop. Had I done something wrong?

He pulled back sharply, his jaw tense, “That’s enough.”

No it wasn't me, it was him. I sighed and let it go; I could see there was not changing his mind this time. He untangled us delicately, shifting my arms away from him and moving me off his lap, which I didn’t even realize I was on.

I couldn’t help but feel good, despite how much he was silently fuming. He didn’t like how easy it was for me to break through his walls, I was sure that was it. I, on the other hand, was very pleased with my new discovery. I was definitely going to make proper use of it.

He put me back in my bed and pulled the covers for me. I grabbed his arm with both hands before he could escape, “talk to me—”

“Go to sleep,” he cut me off, “we’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

“I don’t want to sleep,” I pouted.

“I don’t want to talk.”

That shut me up; he was mad. I cowered under my bed covers, feeling a bit guilty. Oops…

“Sleep,” he ordered, getting up and walking over to the balcony window.

I wasn’t disappointed that he ended it like that, sure, it wasn’t my perfect, dream first kiss with Jackson, but it was damn close. It was a given that he would pull something, his morals were too valuable to him, but he let it go on for so long! The pleasure I got from finding out how he felt underneath all that uncaring exterior made my giddy, which meant minimal sleep. I ran though the memory over and over again. There was no dream quite that good.

But...

I wasn't looking forward to tomorrows lecture.