Astronaut.
before you make that leap
A man sat at Jupiter’s table. He had become unfamiliar since the last time she set eyes on him; his black hair had formed a small moustache, and his hairline was receding. His grey eyes were cold and lonely. Across his knee, he rested clasped, thin hands. She couldn’t look away from them, for some reason.
“You are still beautiful, Jupiter,” he said pleasantly, without looking at her. His gaze wandered over the china set upon the table, the small kitchen that had, for a time, been his. “How is your fellow? What was his name…? Judas?” He chuckled dryly and brushed a small cluster of crumbs from beside his hand.
“His name is Noah,” she said in a somber tone, “And he is travelling.”
“Oh?” His spiteful curiosity brought him forward. “Where is he? Someplace lovely, I hope.”
Jupiter sighed and turned her head from him. “I don’t know.” She didn’t want to deal with him. He would only rub in the fact that Noah had left her for the world. He would grind it into her wounds until she bled black. “Excuse me,” she muttered, standing from the table. She didn’t glance at him as she left the kitchen.
Her bedroom welcomed her with warm, sunny arms. She fell on her bed with a large sigh and wrapped herself up in the sheets. It was silent and soft here, and she wanted to stay forever.
Footsteps came to her door. She forced herself to look, and there he stood. “What are you doing?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at her. His fingers were tucked into the shallow pockets of his work pants. It looked as if he had just dropped by on his way home.
“I’m enjoying my bed,” she replied, though she cut her enjoyment short by moving away from its comfort. She moved to the dresser against the wall and quietly sifted through the jewelry she kept upon it. There was the necklace Mama had given her when she turned sixteen. Beside it lay a tiny ring of dried grass that Lora Joan had made her. She smiled and touched it gently, then moved to the small black bag she never opened. Its cloth was velvet and soft in her palm as she opened it and pulled out a diamond ring. She turned to him and held it out. “This is yours, I believe.”
He came forward and looked down at the old thing. It had been several years since he had given it to her, the ring his mother had used to marry his father. It was precious to him. He held it tightly. “Thank you,” he said softly, his eyes moving to her face. She was cold to him, as he assumed she was to the world. She was obviously very troubled.
Jupiter moved to her bed and sat in the tangled blankets. She stared at the floor, her eyes faintly glazed over by tears she wouldn’t cry.
“Jupiter.” He sat beside her, though he made sure not to touch her. He felt her gaze on his face, piercing and questioning. “You can tell me anything, you know.” He turned to her and smiled a little. “I may not be your husband anymore… but I could still be your friend.”
Her eyes filled with tears. “But I hurt you so much…”
A smile pulled at the corner of his mouth. “Oh, Jupiter.” He lifted a hand and wiped away the moisture spilling over her cheeks. “Everyone gets hurt sometimes. It was my time… and now it’s yours.” He took her hand in his and held it tightly. “It will get better someday,” he promised.
Noah could count the stars that sparkled in her eyes. Each constellation danced and twirled in the vibrant color, and the moon glowed on her skin. They sat, side by side, in the patch of strawberries Jupiter had planted with Lora Joan. She was smiling at him.
“I… wanted to tell you something,” he said softly, lowering his eyes. Her confusion was evident as she waited for him to continue. He couldn’t meet her eyes again; he knew she wouldn’t like what he had to say. “I’ve been thinking a lot.”
Her expression changed. She was no longer happy and eager to talk and just be with him. He could see fear’s claws sinking into her. “What…” she swallowed with difficulty. “What have you been thinking about?”
She was already hurt and he hadn’t even said anything. He bit down on his tongue. Maybe he could just say “Never mind,” and everything could go back to normal, to the way it had been a single moment before. He wanted to go back, but he knew that he couldn’t. The gaping hole in chest shivered and reminded him of his decision. He gritted his jaw and lifted his eyes to hers. Her anxiety shot through his head and filled his blood with ice, but he said, “I want to – no… I have to find myself.”
“Find yourself?” she spouted. “Why don’t you know where you are? You’re right here, with me.”
He closed his eyes. “Please, Jupiter.” He could feel her trembling beside him. “I want to know… if I had to …leave, would you ever come with me?”
They looked at each other, and he knew she never could.
“I’m sorry, I just… I have to get out of here. I have to be glad to be in my head again.” His golden gaze pleaded with her, desperately needing acceptance. “You understand that, don’t you?”
Her brow wrinkled and her lip curled. “No, I don’t understand that.” She moved away from him, shrinking in on herself. “Have I done something wrong?” Her eyes sparked. “Tell me what I did wrong, and I’ll fix it. I’ll do better!”
He watched the tears collect and begin to spill. “You did nothing wrong,” he said, tenderly reaching out to cup her cheek. He felt her blushing skin on his palm and wished he could do this without hurting her. “This is nothing you did. I just… it’s me.” Her visible disbelief made him frown deeply and take her hands, earnestly explaining to her, “I know there is something that will make me complete. There’s something wrong inside me, that doesn’t fit together right.”
“I’m not enough to complete you?”
His heart sobbed inside his chest. “Oh darling, you are everything that I could ever want or need in a woman.” He squeezed her fingers in his, not letting her cave in on herself. “Listen to me. You are perfect. You are so amazing… you make me happier than I have ever been in my life.” He smiled faintly, but it faded in the face of her blank stare. He couldn’t give up yet; she had to understand. “It’s not your fault that I’m doing this. It’s because I need…” His mind cast out a line for the next words, something that could explain his actions, but he came up empty-handed. He growled in frustration and looked to her again. “Jupiter, please. Trust me, and trust what I say to you. I know this hurts you, and I wish it didn’t. I wish that I could go and you wouldn’t miss me, that I could soothe the pain. I wish with all of my heart that this didn’t hurt you.”
“Yes, well,” she snapped, “it does.”
He bowed his head in shame. “I know…”
“Then why are you doing this?” She looked at him, broken and enraged. “How could you do this to me, especially if you know how much it hurts? What is making you do this? If it’s not me, then what is the reason? I’m trying to understand this for you, Noah.”
“I… have to take care of myself.” It seemed to overtake him, the need to explain. “If I don’t take care of myself, then how can I expect to take care of you? There are some things I need… I’m not sure what they all are yet, but I’m going to find out. That’s the entire point in life, to find what pieces fit together to make you.” He smiled a little and almost touched her heart, but he was too afraid she would reject his loving reassurance. “I don’t expect you to understand. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I don’t expect anything from you. The only thing I want is for you to know that I love you, and I will come back when I know what comes next.”
“What makes you think that I’ll wait for you?” she whispered. Her voice was hoarse, and her cheeks were drenched with boiling tears. “What gives you the right to do this to me?”
“My right to live,” he murmured. “My right to pursue what finishes the puzzle of my being.” A soft sigh fell from his lips, and he tried to tell himself that this was right. This was what he needed, and there was no way that he could deny himself a sane existence. “I love you, Jupiter. I will see you when I am complete.”
“You are still beautiful, Jupiter,” he said pleasantly, without looking at her. His gaze wandered over the china set upon the table, the small kitchen that had, for a time, been his. “How is your fellow? What was his name…? Judas?” He chuckled dryly and brushed a small cluster of crumbs from beside his hand.
“His name is Noah,” she said in a somber tone, “And he is travelling.”
“Oh?” His spiteful curiosity brought him forward. “Where is he? Someplace lovely, I hope.”
Jupiter sighed and turned her head from him. “I don’t know.” She didn’t want to deal with him. He would only rub in the fact that Noah had left her for the world. He would grind it into her wounds until she bled black. “Excuse me,” she muttered, standing from the table. She didn’t glance at him as she left the kitchen.
Her bedroom welcomed her with warm, sunny arms. She fell on her bed with a large sigh and wrapped herself up in the sheets. It was silent and soft here, and she wanted to stay forever.
Footsteps came to her door. She forced herself to look, and there he stood. “What are you doing?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at her. His fingers were tucked into the shallow pockets of his work pants. It looked as if he had just dropped by on his way home.
“I’m enjoying my bed,” she replied, though she cut her enjoyment short by moving away from its comfort. She moved to the dresser against the wall and quietly sifted through the jewelry she kept upon it. There was the necklace Mama had given her when she turned sixteen. Beside it lay a tiny ring of dried grass that Lora Joan had made her. She smiled and touched it gently, then moved to the small black bag she never opened. Its cloth was velvet and soft in her palm as she opened it and pulled out a diamond ring. She turned to him and held it out. “This is yours, I believe.”
He came forward and looked down at the old thing. It had been several years since he had given it to her, the ring his mother had used to marry his father. It was precious to him. He held it tightly. “Thank you,” he said softly, his eyes moving to her face. She was cold to him, as he assumed she was to the world. She was obviously very troubled.
Jupiter moved to her bed and sat in the tangled blankets. She stared at the floor, her eyes faintly glazed over by tears she wouldn’t cry.
“Jupiter.” He sat beside her, though he made sure not to touch her. He felt her gaze on his face, piercing and questioning. “You can tell me anything, you know.” He turned to her and smiled a little. “I may not be your husband anymore… but I could still be your friend.”
Her eyes filled with tears. “But I hurt you so much…”
A smile pulled at the corner of his mouth. “Oh, Jupiter.” He lifted a hand and wiped away the moisture spilling over her cheeks. “Everyone gets hurt sometimes. It was my time… and now it’s yours.” He took her hand in his and held it tightly. “It will get better someday,” he promised.
Noah could count the stars that sparkled in her eyes. Each constellation danced and twirled in the vibrant color, and the moon glowed on her skin. They sat, side by side, in the patch of strawberries Jupiter had planted with Lora Joan. She was smiling at him.
“I… wanted to tell you something,” he said softly, lowering his eyes. Her confusion was evident as she waited for him to continue. He couldn’t meet her eyes again; he knew she wouldn’t like what he had to say. “I’ve been thinking a lot.”
Her expression changed. She was no longer happy and eager to talk and just be with him. He could see fear’s claws sinking into her. “What…” she swallowed with difficulty. “What have you been thinking about?”
She was already hurt and he hadn’t even said anything. He bit down on his tongue. Maybe he could just say “Never mind,” and everything could go back to normal, to the way it had been a single moment before. He wanted to go back, but he knew that he couldn’t. The gaping hole in chest shivered and reminded him of his decision. He gritted his jaw and lifted his eyes to hers. Her anxiety shot through his head and filled his blood with ice, but he said, “I want to – no… I have to find myself.”
“Find yourself?” she spouted. “Why don’t you know where you are? You’re right here, with me.”
He closed his eyes. “Please, Jupiter.” He could feel her trembling beside him. “I want to know… if I had to …leave, would you ever come with me?”
They looked at each other, and he knew she never could.
“I’m sorry, I just… I have to get out of here. I have to be glad to be in my head again.” His golden gaze pleaded with her, desperately needing acceptance. “You understand that, don’t you?”
Her brow wrinkled and her lip curled. “No, I don’t understand that.” She moved away from him, shrinking in on herself. “Have I done something wrong?” Her eyes sparked. “Tell me what I did wrong, and I’ll fix it. I’ll do better!”
He watched the tears collect and begin to spill. “You did nothing wrong,” he said, tenderly reaching out to cup her cheek. He felt her blushing skin on his palm and wished he could do this without hurting her. “This is nothing you did. I just… it’s me.” Her visible disbelief made him frown deeply and take her hands, earnestly explaining to her, “I know there is something that will make me complete. There’s something wrong inside me, that doesn’t fit together right.”
“I’m not enough to complete you?”
His heart sobbed inside his chest. “Oh darling, you are everything that I could ever want or need in a woman.” He squeezed her fingers in his, not letting her cave in on herself. “Listen to me. You are perfect. You are so amazing… you make me happier than I have ever been in my life.” He smiled faintly, but it faded in the face of her blank stare. He couldn’t give up yet; she had to understand. “It’s not your fault that I’m doing this. It’s because I need…” His mind cast out a line for the next words, something that could explain his actions, but he came up empty-handed. He growled in frustration and looked to her again. “Jupiter, please. Trust me, and trust what I say to you. I know this hurts you, and I wish it didn’t. I wish that I could go and you wouldn’t miss me, that I could soothe the pain. I wish with all of my heart that this didn’t hurt you.”
“Yes, well,” she snapped, “it does.”
He bowed his head in shame. “I know…”
“Then why are you doing this?” She looked at him, broken and enraged. “How could you do this to me, especially if you know how much it hurts? What is making you do this? If it’s not me, then what is the reason? I’m trying to understand this for you, Noah.”
“I… have to take care of myself.” It seemed to overtake him, the need to explain. “If I don’t take care of myself, then how can I expect to take care of you? There are some things I need… I’m not sure what they all are yet, but I’m going to find out. That’s the entire point in life, to find what pieces fit together to make you.” He smiled a little and almost touched her heart, but he was too afraid she would reject his loving reassurance. “I don’t expect you to understand. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I don’t expect anything from you. The only thing I want is for you to know that I love you, and I will come back when I know what comes next.”
“What makes you think that I’ll wait for you?” she whispered. Her voice was hoarse, and her cheeks were drenched with boiling tears. “What gives you the right to do this to me?”
“My right to live,” he murmured. “My right to pursue what finishes the puzzle of my being.” A soft sigh fell from his lips, and he tried to tell himself that this was right. This was what he needed, and there was no way that he could deny himself a sane existence. “I love you, Jupiter. I will see you when I am complete.”
♠ ♠ ♠
(This poem was written for a picture that my Creative Writing teacher assigned to me. It was of a man and a woman, sometime in the forties or fifties, standing side by side in front of the ocean. The clouds were white and glowed with the light of a thousand angels' eyes. I hope you enjoy it.)
Oceanic
Independent
I decide
by your side
on over the edge.
Ribbons twisting on your collar
sliding down your side
separate
from my mind.
Feel the wind?
The air so smooth
like molten glass
sand on the waves.
I'll hold you up
don't you know?
Oh, so pretty waist
diving into your thigh.
Gnarled toes
gripping tight
we will stand guard
over the sea.
This chapter is dedicated to Cody. I love you. Please understand.