Astronaut.

Jupiter Anne Davis had learned early in life that the things people expected to happen rarely took place. Her grandmother anticipated Jupiter’s mother’s return; instead, she got Lora Joan, the daughter of an unknown man, similar to her sister. Jupiter’s childhood friend, Roger, wanted to fall in love and go into the military. He died before he even graduated. Cause: being pushed down the stairs leading to his basement by an infuriated girlfriend.

Jupiter knew that she was meant to be a mother. She saw children on the streets, dancing and laughing and jumping in the puddles left by early spring rains. She smelled their ice-cream stained faces and the sweet scent of berries in their hair. She felt their tiny hands in hers, squeezing her fingers and saying with no words, “It’ll all be okay.” Jupiter fell in love with the idea of making life. She wanted to be able to look down at her stomach and run her hands over the globe of her child, resting inside her. She wanted to kiss their brow and welcome them into the beautiful world with rainbows and silk sheets and outrageous fairy tales.

About six months into her marriage with her husband, she asked to see a doctor. After her husband had left the room, she asked him, “Why can’t he give me children? We’ve tried ever since we were married. Is there something he needs to do? Something we haven’t tried?”

“No,” he replied, patting her shoulder after a good two hours examination. “There is nothing wrong with what he is doing.”

“Then, what is it?”

“You are infertile, my dear. You can never have children.”

Her heart broke that day.



Noah came towards her and wrapped his arms around her waist. She fell into him, letting go of the ladder as she did. He hugged her close and brought her back to bed with the intention of cheering her up. The sun was rising; he could see the small streams of it pouring in between the ivy which covered their window. Jupiter simply couldn’t greet the day with a frown.

They sat side by side for a long moment, Jupiter breathing sharply with hot tears rolling down her porcelain cheeks. Noah brushed them away with his coarse hand; it only made her cry harder.

“Jupiter, tell me what’s wrong.” Worry was splashed across his face like a crimson flame.

“Nothing,” she whispered hoarsely.

Noah rolled his eyes and pulled her, struggling, into his lap. After a moment of fighting, she gave up and collapsed into sobs, face buried in his shoulder. “Shh,” he hushed, rubbing her back and running his fingers soothingly through her hair, like a father might his daughter. “Shh, Jupiter, it’s all okay. I’m here now. It’s okay.”

His nonsense burned in her throat. “No, it’s not,” she growled, jerking away from him. Anger made her mouth sag as she stood and turned her back on him, arms wrapped tightly around her torso. He could see her fingers grappling with her ribs, like she meant to swallow herself whole and simply disappear. “It’s not okay, Noah. It never was. I don’t think it ever will be again.”

“Why?”

Her grief-stricken eyes stared into his. It was like her inner soul was crumbling in a storm of sorrow. “Because you left me, Noah.”

The frown on his face illustrated the deep concern he felt. “I asked you to come with me. You told me ‘no’. What was I supposed to do, drag you along with me?” He stood and threw his hands to the side. “I couldn’t stay with you here, you know that. I had to get out.”

“Yes. But you left me here.” Her glare boiled. “You made me wonder day and night if you were okay. You made me forget how to live. I forgot how to love the sunshine, Noah, tell me that’s okay!” Sobbing helplessly, she turned from him. “You left Lora Joan here, too.”

A surprised expression crossed his face. “Lora Joan?” He hadn’t thought of her in over a year. “How is she? Is she still sick? Where is she? Why haven’t I seen her yet?”

“Because, Noah, she’s dead!”

Jupiter flew at him and pushed him roughly to the bed, breathing wretchedly and pounding her weak and angry fists into his hard chest.

“You… left me here… to take care of her! You weren’t… there for me! You weren’t there for me for four years, Noah! Four fucking years!” Only a moment of shock interrupted her tirade of fury and frustrated punches. “I didn’t know what to do with myself! My sister, the only part of my life left, died! She died, and you weren’t there to hold me! You weren’t there to pretend everything was okay! You…” She growled in rage and moved off of him, not even noticing that he hadn’t moved once since she had attacked him. “You left me alone…”

When he turned to her, most likely to spew some worthless words of condolence, she slapped him.

“No! Nothing you say will help me now, Noah! The damage has been done! I’m broken inside, and not just because of you, not just because of Lora Joan, but because… because…” She stood before him, chin trembling, fists clenching and unclenching at her sides, tears pouring unchecked from her eyes. The words she meant to speak merely bubbled from her lips in a pitiful groan.

Noah stood and looked down on her, golden eyes darkened with an unreadable emotion. He breathed in calmly. He sighed, still composed. “Jupiter,” he said softly. “What do you want me to do? How can I fix this?”

She shook her head and looked away from him, ashamed to have made him so… scared. That was the unreadable emotion: fear. She had no idea what he was afraid of, though. “There’s nothing you can do to fix the hurt I feel inside. Not this time.” Trembling with the last of her tears, she wiped her eyes and lifted her head to him. “I can’t live with you right now. I’m sorry.” A silence so great she felt it might consume her filled her throat before she finally said, “I’m… not in love with you anymore.”

She realized as she said this that it was true. She wasn’t in love with Noah. She needed him, yes; she had needed him ever since the moment he had walked out the door. She had wanted him every night, thought of him every morning. Her love for him had declined, however, as more and more of her life disintegrated. There were so many things that she had been through since his departure; she wasn’t sure she’d ever be the same. She wasn’t in love with him anymore.

Noah’s breath took a moment to return. When it did, he was stone before her. Not a single flicker of emotion escaped the cage guarding his soul. “I see.” It pained her to see him so hurt, but she couldn’t lie to him like she had lied to herself for so long. “When should I leave?”

She looked up at him, startled. “Leave? But… you just came back…” The thought of him disappearing from her life made her heart ache.

“I’m not going away like that. I’ll be at my Uncle’s. Unless he’s moved and hasn’t told me?”

Jupiter shook her head and watched him closely. “No… I saw him just last week.” Her thought continued and a faint smile touched the corner of her lips. “He’s missed you almost as much as I have.”

“Mm.” He inhaled and let it out softly. “I’ll see you another time, Jupiter.” A blink covered the golden glow of his eyes, and he bent to kiss her cheek very softly. Just that small touch sent shocks through her body.

“Goodbye, Noah.” She watched him gather his shirt and shoes. The shadow of his hair upon his tan cheek made her wish she had never started crying in the first place. Now, though, it was too late to take it back. And honestly, she didn’t want to take it back at all. She had waited four years to tell him just how hurt she was inside.

“Goodbye, Jupiter.”