Blib

When I woke up Joe was already gone. I glanced across the room and noticed that Kevin was too. I pulled my messy hair into a ponytail and trudged down the stairs. Both brothers were sitting at the kitchen table in complete silence. I grabbed a bowl from the cabinet and took the box of Corn Pops from the table and dumped some into the bowl.

"Hey," I mumbled and sat to Joe's right.

I started to eat my cereal. Kevin got up, I assumed to shower or something, and put his bowl in the sink. Joe stayed with me, a nostalgic smile on his lips and a far away look in his eyes. I let him be and continued to munch on the corn pops. Denise appeared next and put some water and coffee beans in the coffee maker before disappearing again. Joe looked at me and let out a loud laugh.

"What?" I asked, curious.

"Just remembering something," he said sadly, the smile gone from his lips.

"Tell me," I pleaded, not knowing why I cared so much.

"The first time you ever slept over we had Corn Pops for breakfast. You were eating them dry, just like you always do, and Nick came downstairs. He started to make himself a bowl but then he saw yours. Remember what happened?" Joe started, the nostalgic smile making a reappearance.

"He wouldn't drop it. He kept asking why I didn't have milk in my cereal. He was strangely fascinated and I couldn't figure out why. The rest of the day he kept telling everyone I hated cows. God, I miss him. Nicholas was just so ... infinite. Does that make any sense?" I asked, throwing the rest of my Corn Pops in the trash.

"Yeah, it makes sense. He was never ending. Every minute you spent with him felt brand new. You never knew what was next. I miss that feeling. I miss him,” Joe admitted with a frown.

He put his empty bowl into the sink and started for the stairs. I followed him. As we walked by the bathroom I could hear the pitter patter of water against the bottom of the tub. I had been right about Kevin taking a shower. I watched quietly as Joe extracted his tux from the closet. He’d taken a shower last night, so I walked to the en suite without saying anything to him. He’d know when he heard the water running.

I poked my head out of the en suite to make sure no one was in the room before closing the door behind myself. My dress was hanging on one of the drawer handles of Kevin’s bureau. I grabbed undergarments from one of Joe’s drawers (I’m over so often he actually emptied out one of the drawers in his bureau for me) and slipped the dress over my head. I pinned my hair up in a bun with ease and pushed the ring Joe got me for Valentine’s Day last year onto my left hand. Around my neck, I clasped a silver necklace that Nick had given me for my birthday. It was a friendship necklace that only read “Best Friends” when you put my necklace, and Nick’s matching one, side by side. My black flats were by the door so I slipped them on as I went downstairs.

We left for the church just a few minutes later. Everyone there was wearing black. I wondered what Nick would think of that. Joe held my hand for the entire mass but I wasn’t sure if it was because he was trying to comfort me or because he was comforting himself. It was probably a bit of both. The priest was talking about how we should celebrate Nick’s life instead of mourning his passing and I couldn’t help but think that Nick would probably tell us the same thing if he could. Both Paul and Denise spoke about their amazing son, though I did not think words could truly do Nick justice. Then it was my turn. Joe gave my hand a squeeze as I got up and walked to the podium.

“I only knew Nick for two years. It only took about two hours for him to become my best friend. I wish I’d known him longer than that. Two years wasn’t enough. I think you’d need a lifetime to truly know Nicholas Jonas; he was infinite,” I smiled sadly at Joe, “But I didn’t get a lifetime. I got two years. Two amazing years that I hope I never forget.”

I grabbed Nick’s guitar from where it had been standing behind the podium and slung the strap over my shoulder. I took a deep breath and ran down my hand down the neck. The smoothness of the wood was somehow calming.

“I hope I never forget,” I repeated and started to strum.

I heard a song tonight on the radio
Another girl sings about a boy
She sees his face in every space in every room
And I know that if i turn around you won't be there
If I close my eyes will you be there?

I don't wanna lose your face
And I don't wanna wake up one day
And not remember what time erased
And I don't wanna turn around
Cuz I'm not scared of
What love gave me and took away
And I don't wanna lose your face

I've got a picture of you in my bedroom
And I hope it never falls
And I hope i never lose that feeling
I used to get when you would call
And now I wonder to myself
Who were you and where are you?
Were you ever here at all?

I don't wanna lose your face
And I don't wanna wake up one day
And not remember what time erased
And I don't wanna turn around
Cuz I'm not scared of
What love gave me and took away
And I don't wanna lose your face

That girl in the song had it so good
I wish I could close my eyes and see you
I wish the sky had your face
And the oceans had your eyes
And the sunset had your lips
And I had you

I don't wanna lose your face
And I don't wanna wake up one day
And not remember what time erased
And I don't wanna turn around
Cuz I'm not scared of
What love gave me and took away
And I don't wanna lose your face

I put the guitar back behind the podium and sat next to Joe. He didn’t stay there long though. He, and Kevin, got up just a moment later to go to the podium and talk about their brother. Joe had told me earlier that they’d written a song for Nick so I guessed they were going to play that too.

“My little brother was one of a kind,” Kevin started, “He was an inspiration to me. He didn’t have easy but he didn’t let it slow him down. There were times when I was jealous of him because I didn’t have the same mentality. He always knew what to say though. I was the big brother; it probably should of been me with all the right words. But it was always Nick.”

Joe took Kevin’s place at the podium and opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply and tried again but he teared up and didn‘t say anything. Kevin put his hand on Joe’s shoulder as if to say It’s okay. Kevin got his guitar and strummed a few chords while Joe shakily started singing.

Looking at a picture of you in my hands
Wondering if I'm ever gonna see you again

Without you I don't know how my life will be
But I believe
It's not goodbye
Cause I will remember you
And I will see you again
When I rise
Cause I know and I believe
I will see you in eternity

So close yet so far
But in my heart you're here with me
You did not leave
You just went to live in eternity

Without you I dont know how my life will be
But I believe
It's not goodbye
Cause I will remember you
And I will see you again
When I rise
Cause I know and I believe
I will see you in eternity

We will live in the light of the sun again
Dancing in the river of life and
Knowing that'll never end
Forever by your side
We'll never have to say goodbye
Cause I will remember you
And I will see you again
When I rise
Cause I know and I believe
I will see you in eternity

It's not goodbye
Cause I will remember you
And I will see you again
When I rise
Cause I know and I believe
I will see you in eternity
I will see you in eternity

When Joe sat back down tears were streaming down both our faces. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and buried my face in the crook of his neck. I could feel his tears on my skin and I felt like crying harder. I didn’t though. Somehow I knew everything would be alright. I couldn’t explain it to you even if I wanted to, it was just a feeling washing over me, but somehow I just knew. We’d be alright, Joe and I. And someday, when God decided it was time, I’d see Nick again. It wasn’t goodbye, it was just see you later.

I put a flower on top of his casket at the cemetery. It was just an ordinary Lilly, it was nothing special, but I knew he would know it was from me. Joe and I held hands as the priest said some final words and then it was over. People started dispersing until the only ones left were the Jonases and myself. Even they wanted to go eventually.

“Do you think Joe and I could stay a little bit longer? We’ll walk back,” I told Denise. Their house was only 5 minutes away.

“That’s fine,” she said softly.

“Can I stay too?” Frankie asked.

Denise looked at me and I nodded so she said, “Sure.”

I don’t know why I wanted to stay. I just felt like I needed to. Joe held my hand and stood with me; he didn’t mind. Frankie just looked on quietly. Nick’s grave was nothing special. It was a grey stone with his name and birthday. Part of me wondered how it was that such an extraordinary person could possibly be buried underneath such an unextraordinary thing.

“Blib?” Frankie called out suddenly.

“Yeah,” I responded.

“Why did Nicky have to leave?” he asked and I smiled.

“Because God needed an angel, Frankie,” I told him, “and Nicky had wings.”