The Way I Loved You

“You do know your Mom is going to be able to tell that you had sex, right?” I stated to Nick, as I was driving him home in my Audi.

“No she won’t; I’m not going to tell her.”

“Trust me, Nick. Moms are perceptive like that. The second you walk through that door, she’ll know everything.”

“How so?”

“Once you’ve had sex, you do everything differently. Or, at least that’s what I’ve heard. I guess you tend to stand up straighter and you swing your legs more when you walk. Plus, she’s your mom. She knows you better than anyone else.”

Nick chuckled. “I’ll swing my legs more?”

“Yeah, that’s what I’ve heard. Plus, you’ll act differently around me.”

Hurt washed across his face. “No I won’t. I’m still going to respect you, even though we’ve ‘been together’. I’m not going to be a jerk to you, I promise.”

“No, that’s not what I meant. I mean that like, you’ll probably touch me more, and when I walk in and out of a room, you’ll automatically picture me naked.”

He laughed, and I cracked a smile. “Maybe I already do that, anyway.” He whispered in my ear, causing shivers to run down my spine.

“Yeah, but now you actually know what I look like. There’s nothing left for your imagination.”

“I’m okay with that.” He whispered again.

“Nick! Stop! I’m trying to drive!” I feigned annoyance and he chuckled.

“Sorry, I just can’t stop picturing you naked.”

I laughed. “Well you’re going to have to, lover boy. This stays between us.”

“It better.” He mumbled under his breath.

I quickly shot him a look before focusing back on the road. “Are you implying that I would sleep with someone else other than you?”

“No?” He phrased it as more of a question than a statement.

“Trust me, Nick. There’s no one else. Ever.” I said truthfully.

He smiled and reached for one of my hands. He intertwined our fingers, while I had an internal battle in my head.

I knew that I would have to break it to Nick sometime or another. We can’t be together right now. I probably shouldn’t have slept with him if I knew I wasn’t going to be dating him anytime soon. But I wasn’t thinking about that when we did it. I was just thinking about how much I love him, and how I could prove it to him. Unfortunately, I also love him enough to know that dating right now would be a bad idea.

We pulled up to Nick’s house, and Joe was in the driveway, grabbing something out of his car. I rolled the window down, and Joe leaned in.

“Hey guys? What’s up?” He had a grin on his face, and he kept looking at our intertwined hands.

“Nothing. Just dropping Nick off before we go to the studio. We still have to finish the vocals for ‘Teardrops On My Guitar.’ Plus, I wanted to get some writing done.”

“Cool. So, are you guys together again?” I could tell Joe wasn’t really interested in anything except for the possibility of Nick and I being together again.

I stared straight ahead for a second, and then I turned back to Joe. “No.”

Nick immediately dropped my hand. “You have got to be kidding me, Viv.” He said it quietly, but I could hear the anger in his voice.

“Uh, no.” I repeated, trying to stay strong.

“After all that? You’re still going to play these stupid games with me?”

That threw me over the edge. “Oh, I’m playing games?”

“Yeah, Viv. You’re the one playing games. I just want to be in a serious, drama-free relationship with you, but you’re so guarded that you can’t even let me in! I though after everything that happened last night, that you’d finally realized how much I love you, but I guess not.”

Joe’s eyes widened. “You guys didn’t…”

“Oh yes we did, Joe. Oh yes we fricken’ did!” Nick said, his voice slightly raised.

Joe ran his fingers through his hair, and then shook his head. “You guys just made this ten times more complicated than it needs to be.”

“It doesn’t need to be complicated. Viv is just being stupid and immature about the whole situation.” Nick replied, with venom dripping from his voice.

“What? Did you think that if you slept with me, then we’d automatically be together again?” I asked, the anger heating up my voice.

“Yeah, I thought you’d finally realize that we don’t need to take a break. We’re perfectly fine! I never thought you’d play the whole ‘friends with benefits’ card. I thought you were better than that, Viv. But I guess I was wrong. You’re just like all the other slutty girls in LA. You just wanted to sleep with Nick Jonas.”

He was pushing it way too far. And I’m not the type of girl to take crap from anybody. Not even Nick. “First of all, I am NOT a slut. You know that better than anyone. And second of all, you’re the king of playing games! I can’t believe you’d go as far to accuse me of playing games with you.”

“Actually, Viv, you are a slut; a very big one, at that. And secondly, I’ve never played games with you, ever!”

“Oh really? What about when you called me out-of-the-blue and decided you wanted to break up with me? What the hell was that all about? Huh?”

“It doesn’t mean anything to you, anyway. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Actually, I understand perfectly. Whenever anything good is happening in your life, you think it’s too good to be true. So automatically, you have to push it away. I think it’s because you realize how un-grateful you were before you got diagnosed. I can understand that, but I can’t understand why you must push away everything that is good. You do it with music; whenever you write a really good lyric, you always have to change it, even if it’s already perfect. You even do it with food; whenever you eat something really good, you’ll immediately stop eating it, because you think it’s too good to be true.”

“What does that have to do with you?” He spat.

“You did it with me, too. You were finally in a relationship where you were perfectly happy. And you got scared, because of how perfect it was. So what did you do? You broke it apart. You broke us apart. And now that you realize that it was a mistake, you want me back. But the thing is, I just can’t come running back into your arms.”

“Why not?” He asked, his voice softening slightly.

“Because I have depression, Nick! Every time you play with my emotions, even in the slightest ways, it takes me months to heal. I can’t emotionally handle being in a relationship with you. You need to grow up, and learn that sometimes things aren’t too good to be true. Sometimes you need to just enjoy something, without getting suspicious. And I need to grow up, and learn how to deal with my depression. We’re not ready for this, Nick!”

“Y-you have depression?”

“Yeah, why do you think I’m so close with Joe? He’s the only thing keeping me alive anymore. I would’ve given up a long time ago if it weren’t for him and Kevin.”

“Why do we have to grow up separately? Why can’t we do it together?” All the traces of anger in his voice were gone.

“Because I need to figure out who I am without you.”

“That’s bullshit, and you know it. If you didn’t want to be with me, then why did we sleep together?” He was starting to get angry again. Apparently he didn’t believe my response.

“Because it was the only way for me to be close to you. I needed you near me, even if it was only for a few hours. I knew that we couldn’t be together, so I thought that having sex would make up for that. I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have done that.”

Nick took a few deep breaths, and then turned back to me. “You’re right; you shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry I even believed a slut like you would actually have good intentions when having sex with me. I don’t want anything to do with you, and you need to stay out of my life.”
Even though I could feel the hatred in his voice, I saw the love in his eyes. He didn’t mean a word of what he said. He was just trying to cover up the pain.

“Well did you hear me, slut?” All the anger and venom was back in his voice.

“No shit, Sherlock. I hope your next victim doesn’t give you a STD. Or actually, I hope she does.” If he’s going to cover up his pain, so am I.

“Oh, I probably already have one, thanks to you. You’ve probably slept around with plenty of guys.”

He grabbed his phone out of the cup holder, and stormed out of the car, slamming the door behind him.

I just sat there, and stared at the garage door in front of me.

Joe put a protective arm on my shoulder, and I suddenly realized that he had been there the whole time.

It didn’t matter to me, though. I probably would’ve told him about it anyway.

“Oh My Gosh, I am a slut. He’s right.” I mumbled.

“No you’re not. I mean, yeah, sleeping with my brother was probably a mistake, but you’re definitely not a slut. Wait, have you slept with other guys before?”

“No. I was waiting for the perfect one to come along. Too bad he already left.”

And as much as I wanted to cry, I couldn’t. It was like all the tears in my body were gone. I think it was my heart’s way of telling me that I’m done crying over Nick.

Joe opened the door to my car and pulled me out of the front seat, while he slid in. I walked around and sat in the passenger seat. It was still warm from when Nick was sitting there.

Joe noticed my discomfort, so he did the only thing that he knew would comfort me. “C’mon. I’m taking you to get ice cream.”