Harder Than You Know

I thought I had it all. Amazing girlfriend, good friends, and a loving family.

~ Flashback~

I was walking through the crowded mall looking for my friends. I had turned my back for two seconds to look at something and they leave me standing there.

I was craning my neck not really paying attention to what was in front of me. I guess that’s why I ran into someone. I heard a thud and looked down at the girl that was sprawled on the tile floor. You know how they say when you spot the person you are meant to be with everything else fades away and all that’s is you and them. Well that what happened.

“I’m so sorry.” I said quickly extending my hand to help her up. She gratefully took it. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Maybe you should be looking in front of you instead of over ever bodies head.” She laughed.

I smiled and stuck out my hand for the second time. “I’m James.” I said smoothly.

“Alyssa.” She replied taking my hand.

~End Flashback~

After that we were inseparable. You hardly saw one of us without the other. Everybody thought that we would end up being high school sweethearts. That was until she started blowing me off to ‘hang out with her girlfriends’. Later I would come to find out that actually meant going to a party and making out with other guys.

For two months I didn’t say anything to her. I figured that it was just a phase and she would eventually come back to me. Yeah that didn’t happen. On our anniversary we had plans to go to a nice restaurant and then go back to my place. She called me and hour before I was supposed to come pick her up. She claimed that she was sick. I believed her.

It wasn’t until she was climbing through my bedroom window at two in the morning that I got the memo she wasn’t really sick. Oh no she wasn’t sick, she was trashed. When she woke up the next morning we had our first major fight. I told her that things either had to change or it was over. She got all defensive and said that if I wasn’t smothering her she wouldn’t have cheated on me.

I had had enough. I wasn’t going to get run over again. I told her that we were done and to get out. She stormed off and got into her car. I should have known better then to let her drive when she was mad,but I was so furious with her I didn’t care.

~Flashback~

“Mr. Reed?” An unfamiliar voice asked through the phone.

“This is him.” I answered.

“We have an Alyssa Siman at the Downtown General Hospital. You were listed as an emergency contact. She’s been in a car accident. Can you come down here?” The lady asked.

“Of Course.” I said. I didn’t wait for her to say anything else. I hung up the phone and ran to my car. It had only been an hour or so since we got into out fight. I didn’t want to lose her without saying I’m sorry.

~End Flashback~

It had been a year since that day. A year since I lost the one person I could tell anything to. The one person I loved more than anything. It had also been one year that I had been beating myself up about letting her drive.

I knew that no matter how much I hated myself it wouldn’t change anything.

I sat at her grave as tears flowed down my cheeks. I was turning all my pent up regret and guilt into songs and poetry. I had wrote numerous songs about Alyssa.

The not I left on her grave that day was part of one of them. Written inside the note was eight simple yet meaningful words.

‘Not Loving you is harder than you know’