Serenading Sirens

The winter sky outside my bedroom window had begun to darken when I hung up the phone. It was now an ever darkening blue and still dusted with pink and gold where the sun was still hitting it. It was threatening snow, which I was pleased to discover. I was happy for this day to be ending, even if it was only early evening. But there was no way I wanted to face either Jack or Alex tomorrow. Without using my vocal cords, I mouthed prayers for enough snow for a cancellation. Even this, I knew, wouldn't keep my boyfriend from seeing me. The other boy would be all too thrilled about the delay in seeing my face.

The bed creaked as usual as I sat back down for the millionth time. I had taken to going back and forth between lying down and pacing around the room. By the time sleep would overcome me, there would be deep tread marks in the plush, green carpet and my feet would be ready to come off. But the work my feet were doing was nothing compared to the marathon my brain was running in my skull. The words that Hadley had spoken hours ago had triggered a never-ending thought process.

Jack thought he was in love with me? What the hell did that mean? At first, I had tried to convince myself that he and Hadley were just playing a poorly thought out joke on me. That maybe they were secretly happy together and just wanted to have a little fun to lead up to telling me they were dating. The more time I spent with this revelation taking over my mind, the more I knew that I couldn't convince myself that they were pranking me. I didn't have to delve too much for it.

The grudge Jack held against me all week was not established upon hatred. He wasn't able to stand me being captivated by someone else, especially with that other person being his best friend. And I had been contemplating the thought of love all week, blocking him out -just like he was doing to me with the same thing. Too bad we couldn't have been thinking it about each other.

This was about the time that I started a journey on an entirely new path. It was one path that I had never envisioned myself on. Then I had to back up and tell myself that I never saw myself loving anyone at this age, and not Alex in particular. Now I was thinking on a new plane, or one that had been there all along. What was needed to bring this to light was finally there for me to ponder over; that Jack had feelings for me. And now I was sure that those same feelings were contained in me.

I now loved Alex, and I wouldn't have changed it for anything. But I could tell that maybe I had loved Jack for months now; ever since that first ride to the show that changed my perspective. We had had fun and joked around, and we had both just taken it for the friendship I was letting grow on me. But it had been something more then, and it was even bigger now that it had been let to fester in both our heads. I wanted to applaud Jack for realizing it first.

So I was stuck. Stuck with two options that, to me, were both flawless in their own ways. Back in September, I had made my choice. Alex continuously wooed me with whatever ways he could, never knowing how much it was all working. But that other choice hadn't been presented to ruin my life yet. But I couldn't exactly say that it was doing just that in present time. It was just making things considerably more stressful.

It was too difficult to make a decision. Everything had been bestowed to me in the course of less than seventy-two hours. There it all was, sitting in front of me and waiting as patiently as possible. The illusion of Alex, pacing my floor, and Jack, laughing as he leaned back in the computer chair, swam in front of my eyes. I blinked several times to rid of them, my room returning to its usual bland loneliness. I stretched my arms over my head before crawling over my bed, away from the hallucinations that I was forcing upon myself.

I awoke before my alarm the next morning. Lying there for a while, I let the dreams that had roamed my sleep sink into my alert mind. They had been filled with the exact thoughts I had taken to sleep to get away from. A heavy sigh broke the silence as I turned my head to stare out the window. The sky was still dark, the sun still having an hour to rise. I stood to approach the glass keeping out the cold and quickly discovered that I had gotten my wish.

The earth and every surface upon it were covered in a thick blanket of snow, at least a foot deep. There were still more flakes coming down to add to the accumulation. More time to think was now given to me, and I didn't want it. I wanted the whole situation obliterated so I could be fully enthusiastic when Alex would think he was surprising me when he showed up in a few hours.

The resilient squeak of springs told me that I had thrown myself back on the bed without realizing it. I buried myself in a grave of blankets and pillows, still warm from before I had gotten up. I hoped that maybe if I achieved sleep again, that I would wake up again to realize that this had all been a dream. But I knew it was impossible beyond anything else.

The sun rose in the time that I lay there pretending to be invisible. Snow still fell and the flakes glistened in the new light, making a thousand infinitesimal rainbows too miniscule for anyone to see. For some reason, while watching the frozen perspiration, I thought of the Grinch and all the stupid Whos that lived on snowflakes. They had it great; everything always perfect in their made-up Christmas world. Shoving my head under a pillow, I suppressed a scream by letting out a groan at the recognition that I wished I was one of them.

By ten o'clock, the snowplow could be heard roaring down the street. Just minutes later, a car pulled into the driveway my father had shoveled the moment he woke up. I forced myself from the confines of my cotton resting place to drag myself to the window. Alex was getting out of his car, the silver glinting in the reflections from the snow. He zipped his returned red hoodie the whole way before continuing to the doorstep. I let out a sigh before going to meet him.

He had already let himself in and was just slipping his shoes off when I hit the last step. He beamed at me before he proceeded to wrap his arms around me and touch his lips to mine. The response that came out of me was nearly automatic. It wasn't because I was so used to our greetings. This was much more passionate than normal anyway. And it wasn't because I was trying to make up for my thoughts that contradicted this, unknown to him. Undeniably, it was because my feelings for Alex wouldn't fade just because I was in love with someone else, too. This just made it all that much harder.

"Hi there," I muttered, trying hard to regain the oxygen I had lost.

Alex chuckled through his heavy breathing and then leaned down to connect our lips for a brief second. One kiss was never enough for either of us.

We broke apart quickly, only touching at our hands, the moment my mother walked in.

"Oh, Clarke, you're finally awake. Hello, Alex," she greeted politely. "Do you two want some breakfast?" she asked, surely ready to give us a feast so she could keep an eye on us.

I shook my head while looking up at Alex.

"No, thank you," he replied. "My mom takes advantage of snow days to give me more food than I can handle." He laughed lightly.

"Well, all right," my mom said warily. "Come down if you need anything." And she made her way back to the kitchen.

I rolled my eyes before pulling Alex along up the stairs. "I still can't believe she thinks we're having sex, let alone while they're here," I rambled, only loud enough for him to hear.

Alex seemed like he wanted to stop us moving to say whatever was on his mind. But he waited until we were in the confines of my bedroom. The door was shut and I was seated comfortably on the end of the bed while he kept his distance, leaning on the desk.

"Why aren't we?" he finally asked, looking away from me.

I blinked a few times, confused by what he meant. "Why aren't we what?"

"Having sex," he replied as if it were obvious.

My jaw dropped in record time. I knew how Alex was before I had even held a conversation with him. His bedroom behavior could be well bragged about by many of the girls at school. But he knew that I was not the same way when we had started this. Or at least, I'd hoped he had. "What are you talking about, Alex? You know- Why would you- ?" I couldn't even think of what I wanted to say. This was a conversation I didn't think would happen.

"We've been together for almost two months."

"Yeah, so?"

Alex didn't speak, maybe hoping that I could read his mind.

"I'm sorry I'm not like your other girlfriends!" I exclaimed after a few minutes of silence. "If you're horny, you might as well break up with me now." I didn't want to say this. Us not being together was something I didn't want to happen, no matter my feelings for anyone else. "Did you just tell me what I wanted to hear the other night? In hopes I would be more than willing to fuck you?" I inquired, now close to tears. He had seen me cry too many times.

Alex rushed to my side, the bed sinking under his weight as he wrapped his arms around me. "No! No, no. I do love you. So much, Clarke. It's so odd that I have to reassure you," he said. "I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry. I don't want anything from you that you don't want to give me." He smoothed my hair, gently pushing my head against his chest before kissing the top of it.

I hated this moment; the past twenty-four hours in its entirety. The sniffles that I couldn't stop were great proof of that. The first argument we had to have was about what I thought was the most overrated topic. I wanted to punch him, beat him until he promised to never talk about his sex life again, even if I was the person on the other end of the focus. That wouldn't have made me happy though. His soothing was doing just the trick, like I didn't want it to. He was winning me over on the subject he thought had gotten dropped.

Damn his touch.

"I hate you," I mumbled aloud, still with my head upon his chest.

"Please don't," Alex begged with an air of amusement. He still ran his long fingers through my tangled hair.

I closed my eyes to enjoy it, but also to make sure I got my words out right. "I do... want to." I held my breath after it was said, my cheeks flushing deep crimson. The embarrassment I felt was stronger than the hate I had for his unusual persuading that he didn't even know about.

I was sure that he would have taken my words the wrong way, as a reply to his last statement instead of an epiphany about our argument. His fingers pulled from my hair though, and he suddenly seemed to want to be disconnected from me. "You do?" he questioned slowly after I had lifted my head to stare at him. "Like right now?"

At that, I couldn't help but hit his arm lightly. "Yes, while my mother monitors the hall to make sure she doesn't hear moans. Take me now!" I told him sarcastically.

The air around us appeared less dense again, all the pressure gone with the chuckling that escaped Alex. He let out a sigh at the end of his laughs, and it sounded rather relieved. Was he as nervous about this as I was then? Even though his practice possibly ran off the page?

"When then?" he inquired hesitantly once he was sure that we were being serious again. He twiddled his thumbs in his lap, keeping an intent gaze on them.

I had already thought about this. A lot had run through my mind in those minutes that he played with my hair. It was a relief that it was getting something else out of there. "Your birthday's Wednesday," I mentioned, changing the subject. Alex got distracted easily, I had learned, when his birthday was brought up out of context. He would never guess that there was a point in bringing it up.

His face lit up with joy before he began to babble about the joint party the guys were throwing on Saturday for him and Rian. The perfect opportunity.