Serenading Sirens

I was submerged in a million different thoughts each time the clock ticked another sixty seconds. Not only did I have to deal with the bit of information that Jack and I both loved each other, but I was still not willing to leave Alex. I was thankful for him being able to take my mind off the former situation. I couldn't say I was too thrilled for my mind to be overtaken by the fact that I was willingly going to give him a birthday present that he'd never be able to return. But I knew that I was ready as I was ever going to be, and I had to admit that I would do it happily.

Embarrassment was the biggest thing I was worried about. It was imminent, of course. I was the one with no experience. Alex was my first boyfriend, my first kiss. He was the only person I had ever cared about this much. But I had sensed that hint of nervousness when we talked about it. Maybe he would break through with just as much worry as me, though I couldn't find a reason why. The only thing he would have to fret over was that he still had no idea since he was thinking about his party so in depth.

School the day after a snow day is always worse in my book than a normal day. I dread them above all others because I feel like I still need to be home, like it's an extended weekend. To make this one all the better, I was making it a mission to get Jack to talk to me. I would pretend that I didn't know a thing. I could be just as naïve as I had been a week ago. Just because a four-letter word lurked between us and I had a happy relationship that kept us apart did not mean that I no longer wanted my best friend around. He would have to suck it up just as much as I was prepared to. So what if I was the only one completely informed of everything.

My throat was tight as Alex and I walked into English. He gripped my hand with as much enthusiasm that dripped from his voice as he spoke of his birthday. He was excited to be eighteen. We took our usual seats, Rian in front of Alex and Jack in front of me. I was surprised Jack hadn't moved and found a seat somewhere else; maybe by a cute girl to divert his mind. I wished that I could hear his thoughts for just one day.

A bit reluctantly, I let Alex's fingers slip through my own. The next actions would be so much easier if our flesh was touching somewhere. Too bad that would do quite the opposite of help. Only seconds after I was seated, I tapped Jack on the shoulder as my front teeth clamped down on my bottom lip. He turned, and I was beyond relieved to see that he didn't have a dirty look on his face and his blank expression didn't change.

"Did you study for our Calc test?" I questioned. A safe subject... if only we had a test.

Immediately, Jack's eyes widened in fear. "We have a test today?!" he asked back frantically. He turned to look for his notes so he could begin cramming.

I had already dug myself a hole. It was waiting patiently to grow deeper and to get a visitor. "Maybe not," I replied loudly enough to get him to stop his searching. "I probably heard her wrong. You pay more attention than I do these days."

Too late, I realized this was probably a bad thing to say. Jack's eyes shot to Alex and they narrowed ever so slightly. "Yeah," he said slowly, "I've noticed."

An internal groan echoed throughout my skull. This was going to be so hard. Jack was not going to think straight about this. He wouldn’t want to see reason, that it was ridiculous to hate his best friend for this. It wasn't Alex's fault that the former hadn't made his move first. But it also wasn't Jack's fault that he hadn't done that.

"Walk me to class today?" I asked just to get his mind off his hatred. "Alex has to go to the office." This, thankfully, was not a lie.

Jack let out a sigh, clearly thinking hard about my request. "I guess," he answered as, finally, the bell rang.

An I guess was not what I had been hoping for. Denying that it wouldn't do wasn't an option. In this state, it was just as good as jumping up and down with excitement.

English passed like it did most other days. Mrs. Dawn was so often too caught up in whatever was happening in her private life that she continuously assigned the same chapter of Lord of the Flies. I had already read the book thoroughly, even twice to humor her, and finished all the assignments. So I moved my desk close to Alex's to help him out. Rian turned to copy the work, easily joining in the unrelated conversation. Jack kept his distance, visibly struggling with some question in our packet.

Leaving my own papers with the other two boys, I stood and crossed the short space to kneel beside Jack. He looked up to see who had joined him but was quick to refocus when our eyes met. I read over the question his eyes were scanning repeatedly.

"Innocence," I told him, pointing to the page.

My sudden speech forced him to look up in surprise. Again, our eyes met and I had trouble looking away. "What?" he asked, confused.

"Piggy represents innocence." I let my finger connect with the dull black text of the question. "He's the only one not overtaken by power."

Jack sighed. "I haven't even gotten past the first fire yet," he admitted before leaning back and staring at the ceiling.

I chuckled lightly, not surprised at all. It was debatable if anyone else had even gotten that far. "Come over and copy like them," I shot my thumb over my shoulder toward Alex and Rian.

For the first time in over a week, a genuine smile broke across Jack's face. The one on my face in response matched just as well. I placed my palms against the cool plastic of the desk to push myself up. It wasn't until my feet were flat on the yellowing tile did I notice that some of the desk was incredibly warm. My gaze flicked down and I noticed the tips of my left hand's fingers resting over Jack's hand. There wasn't even a chance to pull away. He turned his hand palm up and squeezed my fingers gently. Before anyone else noticed though, we pulled away simultaneously and made our way to join the others.

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Clothes littered the carpet and hung off the bed. The bathroom door was ajar to reveal a similar mess on its floor. The counter was hidden beneath a sea of makeup, most of it spilled out of its containers. I sat amongst this tornado disaster, cross-legged on the floor of my bedroom with an outfit twisted in my hands. It was only a few seconds of examining it before I threw it aside.

Hours had passed since I had set out on the mission to find something to wear to Rian and Alex's party. A band t-shirt wasn't suitable like it would be for any other party. Alex had seen me in all of them anyway, if not worn some of them himself. And now I realized that anything I owned that wasn't a t-shirt was seriously lacking in the feel that I wanted for the evening. I was on the verge of telling myself it didn't matter what I wore; going naked would get me in the same spot I was headed for. But I was sure pulling that would attract a lot of attention I did not want.

A large sigh escaped my lips and blew my bangs off my forehead. Alex was bound to be here any minute and he would drag me to his house, still in my pajamas or not. Grabbing the jeans I had just discarded, I headed to the bathroom and picked up a random shirt on the way. My makeup and hair were already done, just waiting for clothes to make the set. If they weren't things on my body, I was sure they would have soared passed impatient long ago and exploded at my current choice. So it was a mighty good thing their attitudes existed only in my mind.

The full-length mirror on the other side of the door reflected my image back to me, just as it should. Continuously smoothing down the purple v-neck as I studied myself didn't help my nerves or my thundering heart. I pushed the door back open and made my way back to the closet to grab a pair of flats. Hopping down the stairs, a cardigan swinging over my shoulder, I threw the shoes on and made it to the bottom the moment the doorbell rang. I let out one last sigh with my nerves at their breaking point before flinging open the front door.

"You have perfect timing," I smiled up at Alex, his face pink from the cold.

He stepped in only a bit, enough to wrap his arms around my waist so he could get warmer. "Oh, do I?" he asked, leaning down to kiss me. I turned my head slightly, and was positive that it was a first. I was too nervous for it though. "How so?" he inquired instead.

Grabbing my coat from the hook beside the door, I led the two of us back outside. "You came the second that I was ready. And this is forcing me to not be able to go back to critique and change," I replied. I had slipped both my cardigan and coat on quickly and finally, with a bit of hesitance, stopped Alex abruptly on the sidewalk and reached up to kiss him.

He seemed pleased with the delayed greeting. It was a few minutes before he decided it was best to get to the car where there was heat. When we were both safely in our respective seats of his car, we didn't continue. Alex seemed to realize that something was going on with me, but he didn't question it. He also didn't start the car, possibly waiting for something spectacular to happen. The twinkling of the multicolored lights all around my house and in the windows kept my attention so that I wouldn't have to meet his gaze.

Silently, he leaned over. I didn't even know he was there until he spoke, causing his warm breath to tickle my neck. "You know, whatever's wrong, you can tell me exactly what it is." He then placed a soft kiss on my jugular before pulling back.

Gulping down fresh air was tough after that. But I managed it along with a meek nod. "I know. But don't we have a party to get to? And I'm sure a spiked cake?" I reminded. He would know my problem soon enough anyway.

Alex's face lit up. "They didn't!" he exclaimed.

Through what I was really feeling a smile appeared and I nodded again. Giving a surprise away was only a small price to pay later. He finally started the car and started the distance to his house. The ride was silent, and to me, it was overly awkward. He was perfectly content though. Humming softly to New Found Glory pouring through the speakers and drumming the fingers of his free hand on the steering wheel. The other he had sneakily placed in one of my own. I didn't object like I had planned to.

The house was already lit up and obviously buzzing with the dozens of kids that occupied it. Alex parked in his usual spot and met me around the car to take my hand and lead me in. Our ears met several people screaming surprise while the others went with the more appropriate happy birthday. Various guys extended their hands for high fives from Alex and even more girls trailed us to give well wishes. On a normal night, my jealously may have gotten the best of me. This night, I barely noticed. I was glad when familiar faces finally obscured my vision.

Zack and Rian were in the kitchen and greeted us just as enthusiastically as every other person. I finally felt safe enough to let go of Alex's hand as we were each handed a drink.

"Don't worry," Zack whispered as I looked down into the contents of the plastic cup. He leaned closer to continue, "There's hardly any alcohol in there. It's practically virgin."

The last word made my stomach clench and I was tempted to throw the drink down, running away in the other direction. But I sipped it instead, letting the mostly Coke concoction settle me.

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The next few hours seemed like a big blur. The guys played a few songs as a surprise to everyone. I had planted myself on the couch to watch the small set, gnawing on my nails the entire time. When they were sure to become bloody stubs, I switched to the inside of my lip, and grabbed my hair to twist in my hands. Ever closer the moment I was dreading came, and I realized it once the instruments had stopped and there were shouts and applause. I lifted my head and met Jack's gaze.

A small smile greeted me, something I wasn't expecting. But he seemed to be a lot happier with me since that English class. The knot in my stomach loosened some at this, but came back even tighter when I realized I would be betraying him and the feelings I had for him too soon. I didn't return his smile as I pushed myself up from the slippery leather of the couch and all but marched over to Alex.

My throat was constricted, so it was hard to get words out. But finally, they came as an unintentional whisper. "Can we go upstairs?"

He had been talking to someone across the room. But the moment he heard my words, he stopped mid-sentence and turned to face me. Apparently, there was more meaning in my tone than I realized. "O... kay," he replied slowly after a minute or so.

Our feet moved through the crowd, hands clasped together. Mine was so sweaty I was sure it would slip from Alex's or he would let go in disgust. He surprised me with holding on even tighter as he led us up the stairs covered in people and discarded cups and bottles. What seemed like an eternity later, we were stepping into his empty room and he was going for the lamp on the nightstand. He sat on the edge of the bed and ran both palms over his jeans, wiping them off. They were just as sweaty as mine were.

For minutes, I leaned against the door as I made an evaluation of the situation. Nothing ran through my mind though that told me I should go back on it. Everything was telling me how much I really did love Alex and how much this would mean. With him just as apprehensive as I was, it wasn't going to be some petty thing. He actually cared about it, too. These thoughts are what fueled my actions to walk toward him.

Alex's eyes never left mine as I sat on his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck. Our lips acted more of their own accord, almost like magnets. We both got caught up, more than we had ever let ourselves. I had no idea what had forced his shirt off until I found it tightly clenched in my fist. My eyes went wide at this sight, but I reconnected our lips to make sure I didn't back out. Did I even want to anymore? This seemed so perfect.

Alex pulled away, leaving just inches between us. I struggled to get back to him. He held me back just long enough to ask, "Are you sure?"

Clichéd, but it was all the better. I pushed my lips back against his, a hint of alcohol still left on them, and mumbled against them, "I love you."

"I love you, too," he managed back before his hands found their way to the hem of my own shirt.