Serenading Sirens

The obvious question was why. Why had Jack decided to leave everything behind and put himself out there? I wished that he would just tell me that he had feelings for me. Showing me would have been a little confusing if I didn't already know. Alex had been slightly cryptic when he told me he liked me, but at least it was straightforward in a sense and very verbal. So what did I want more now, to punch Jack or for him to do it again?

That question itself was preposterous. I would never want to physically hurt the boy like I was doing emotionally now. But I was with Alex, and still very much in love. I couldn't want Jack to kiss me again. A year ago, I had no boy problems, no boys to have problems with. Now it was possible that I was going to cause animosity between two best friends for life and maybe a whole band. What chaos would be caused because of me?

Whatever effect I was having on them, I just wanted it to be over with. It seemed like some movie where a girl uses a love spell or whatever other nonsense. Except I didn't do anything to have to learn a lesson because of my actions. This was just causing a giant mess and it needed to all be cleared up. At this point, I was even willing to give up Alex and his love for me just so everything could go back to normal. It appeared worth it right now.

As I thought about that horrible outcome, I heard stumbling coming toward me. I stood and met Alex as he reached the banister. He looked even worse than when I had left him only minutes ago. His hair was matted down with sweat, which also left a sheen on his face. His eyes were half closed. But what I could see of them, a bright red surrounded his chocolate brown pupils. He looked about ready to fall over.

"Alex," I whispered, reaching out to pet his hair. "You're a mess. Do you wanna go home?" I asked, ready to put my arm around his waist and support him out to the car.

He shook his head, his mouth opening and closing several times. He looked as if he may vomit again, but finally he got words out. "Just upstairs. Can we sleep?" he questioned.

I smiled, a light laugh flowing from my lips. "Of course we can," I told him and took his hand to steady him on the way up the stairs.

He led the way to the bedroom, pushing the door open with an outstretched hand. Apparently already knowing the way to the bed, he let my hand drop and I heard him drop onto the soft surface. I felt for the light switch on the wall next to me, flipping it up as soon as it was under my fingers. Light orange walls met my eyes, posters in random places. Something Corporate was directly across from me, with Blink-182 not far off to the left.

"This is Jack's room," I informed Alex as I joined him on the bed.

He wrapped his arm around me, pulling me into him and nestling his face in the crook of my neck. "I know," he mumbled, his breath warm and radiating whatever he drank tonight.

"Shouldn't we-"

"Shh," he cut me off. "He'll probably pass out downstairs."

I didn't bother to try to get him up again. It wasn't long before his usual soft snoring took over the silence. Not even the sounds from downstairs could penetrate our little bubble. I lay there for a while with Alex sound asleep. I wasn't sure what to think of tonight, the kiss, this moment. With a small sigh, I managed my way out from under his arm. After I replaced my body with a pillow, I kissed his forehead, making him smile and mumble incoherently, and I made my way to join the others again.

They all appeared as if they had gotten over the fear of falling. Hadley actually lay on the floor, propped up on her elbows and laughing hysterically. The rest of them were celebrating with drinks in their hands as they danced ridiculously. I giggled at them as I sat on the arm of a couch. No one noticed my presence for a few minutes, all enjoying the atmosphere too much. But eventually, brown eyes turned in my direction and a warm smile appeared under the brown and blond hair. Jack came toward me, and he sat on the couch next to me.

"Alex seemed to think it was okay to fall asleep in your room," I told him, yelling over the music.

Jack nodded, taking his time to sip his drink. "That's okay. I don't plan on sleep tonight," he responded. He looked up at me, his eyes locking with mine automatically. "Do you wanna go outside?" he asked.

I shook the chills that had run down my spine. "Sure," I replied. I got up first and waited for him to set his cup down on the coffee table.

He smiled at me before taking my hand to lead the way. My heart leapt into my throat as we walked to the back door. Was he trying to make me feel this way?

The night was ice cold. I tried to pull my hoodie tighter around me after Jack had let go of my hand and moved to sit on a bench situated on the porch, completely clear of old snow. My eyes scanned the dark night before I joined him.

"Why is this so high up?" I asked, trying to find a subject.

Jack let out one short chuckle. At least I was amusing. "Come on now. It's Maryland. Everyone has a deck as a back porch," he answered, leaning back. He let his head rest against the railing.

"I don't have a deck," I told him defiantly.

"And that, Clarke, is tragic." With that he was on his feet again. He was on a search for something, lifting flowerpots and parting the dead plants to look within. "My mom hides a pack of cigarettes out here somewhere," he said, pausing each time he found a new place to look.

My eyebrows pulled together, matching my confused mind. "You don't smoke." I tried to state it boldly, but it mostly came out as a question. Maybe he did. How much was I sure I knew about him?

"No, I don't," he replied immediately. "But when I feel I need it," he said, producing a small box from under the table with duct tape around it to make it stick, "it's good to have the option." He came back to me, producing a cigarette from the pack.

I nodded in understanding as he offered me one. "Why not?" I questioned, taking it.

He lit his and handed over the lighter that had been hidden with the pack. "The trick is," he blew out smoke, "is to not inhale."

I laughed, choking on my own smoke. "What? How does that even help?"

Jack laughed along with me, shaking his head. "To know that we succumb to this peer pressure is what helps," he informed me. "And fuck, don't we look cool?"

We laughed harder now and I nodded. It took a while to catch our breath, our laughs to be seen in the early January air. Once my oxygen was fully regained, I leaned my head back just like Jack. We rolled them to face each other, not saying a word for several minutes. Once again, I found us getting closer.

"Are we gonna do this again?" I inquired, not moving an inch. All I could stare at were his lips.

"If you want to," he said.

I barely let him finish to close the space between us. Our cigarettes disappeared, and I didn't care where they ended up as long as they didn't keep us from parting. I pulled him closer by the back of the neck as our lips locked and unlocked repeatedly and he tangled his fingers in the hair at the base of my neck. His lips tasted of the cancer we had chosen, never to get anywhere further than the back of our tongues.

Then our peace was broken. A clearing throat made me jump back enough that I was almost on top of the arm of the bench. The metal dug into the skin of my back, scraping as I eased back down. I reached around to rub the slight wound as I stared back at Hadley leaning against the doorframe.

"Well, well, well. What do we have going on here?" Her tone matched the smirk on her mouth. It was wrong to think of me forcing that expression off my best friend's face.

Jack cleared his own throat now, placing his hands on his knees as he prepared to get up. "It's a bit cold out here, isn't it?" he stated and stood quickly, passing Hadley into the house even faster.

She chuckled while she came over to me and took his empty seat. "I'm glad you haven't told me anything," she said, suddenly serious.

I sucked in air, shocked by the bitterness of her voice. "I've... had a lot on my mind," I told her.

"Yeah, cheating on Alex!"

Was this going to become a screaming match? I didn't want to fight with Hadley again this year, especially not over this. There was also a risk of everyone else hearing if we rose our voices at all above normal. They'd hear everything and know what I've been hiding, maybe even wake Alex. I wouldn't be able to stomach any of it.

"Tonight was the first time Jack and I have done anything," I whispered, my voice thick. The reality of everything was too strong.

"But... You have feelings for him?" she questioned slowly, more as a statement.

"I love Alex," I reminded, mostly to myself. Hadley looked over to me, waiting patiently for the next part. I didn't let her down. "But... I love... Jack, too." Of course, I didn't stop myself now. Tears trickled from under my eyelids, dripping everywhere as I shook my head. "I hate you. I hate you," I repeated over and over.

She stopped me, wrapping her arms around me. She tried to calm me as I sobbed, but it hardly worked. "Why do you hate me?" She couldn't seem to keep it from coming out, maybe even using it as another tactic.

"You told me. You told me Jack loved me. I didn't need to ever find out. I didn't want to know my options. I was happy with Alex. That's all I want. To be happy with Alex." Could she even understand me around my tears? The words barely sounded human to me as they left my mouth.

Hadley shushed me, smoothing my hair.

My crying was the only thing that broke the night silence. The others had settled down in the living room, possibly getting ready to finally sleep. Could they hear me now? I prayed I was only loud through my own ears.

It took a while, but eventually my tears stopped. I looked up, seeing that Hadley's shoulder was soaked. "I'm sorry," I murmured, sniffing and wiping my face clean.

She snorted, shaking her head now. "Honey, this was such a breakthrough that I think I want to be a shrink now," she said, and pat my back affectionately. "Why don't you go upstairs? Get some sleep with Alex by your side. We'll talk about it and figure it out when we get home tomorrow," she suggested.

I sighed and nodded in agreement. A quick kiss on her cheek and I was on my way into the house. I ignored everyone as I walked to the stairs just as well as they ignored me. Slowly, I ascended the stairs and found Alex still asleep peacefully, splayed over Jack's bed. A tiny smile appeared on my face as I studied him. I maneuvered myself under the blanket, resting my head on his chest and wrapping his arm around me.

Tonight had started out well; my thoughts only on my boyfriend and how drunk we might all end up. I had never expected that Jack would make his move or that I would accept it so openly. He was probably thinking that he had a great shot now, that maybe I would dump Alex any moment and open my arms wide. But I wasn't quite sure I would. And I had certainly never expected that I would cry my eyes out to my best friend. I had never shared so much with her, even if we had been best friends for years. Now, I couldn't wait for us to get home in the morning for that talk.