Serenading Sirens

"No!" I yelled. "No, no, no."

Hadley glared at me, silently telling me to keep it down. I obeyed with reluctance. The last thing we needed though were my parents waking up and hearing our conversation. It was before seven, the sun just barely creeping up on the horizon. I had woken up after only two hours of sleep. Leaving Alex to face the morning -or afternoon- alone, I forced Hadley up and drove us back to my house.

So currently, we were both seated on my bed with the discussion of my chaos between us. Everything she suggested I rejected as politely as was usual from me to her. I couldn't keep my voice down for this one though. She obviously was just running out of ideas, using it as a last resort. But it was so asinine that I couldn't believe that she would even consider it.

"I will not string either of them along," I told her when I was calm. This was hard. I wanted to scream again. How ridiculous that stringing two boys along was even an option

"Well, you're shooting everything else down!" she exclaimed in a whisper. "You won't dump Alex and pick Jack. You won't forget Jack and keep Alex. You won't leave both of them and go after yummy Zack or even anyone else!" She buried her face in her hands, letting out an exasperated groan.

I groaned just the same as I threw myself back. "Hadley, have you ever been in love?" I questioned moronically. This tactic probably wouldn't work on her, but it was worth a shot.

Hadley sighed and I could tell that she turned in my direction. "You know I haven't. I would have told you," she replied.

I held my breath. Well, that wasn't what I had expected. Sitting up, I looked her in the eye. "I thought..." She shook her head. "Well, everyone makes you think it's great," I decided to explain. "But it's tough and complicated, too. And imagine that times two with two different people. It's too hard to pick just one now."

"At least it's not two different genders," she snorted.

I burst out laughing, forgetting again about my parents.

So that was the end of the subject. I wasn't figuring this out this morning and who knew when I would. It just wasn't something that could be talked about with my best friend. Who knew if it could be talked about with anyone. Certainly not the two boys. Nature was going to have to run its course for me, and I hoped that it would decide to be quick.

________________________________________________

I don't know what happened to January. It felt as if the only point that was worth remembering was my birthday. And the way that ended, I had just wanted to make myself vanish. Too many people, too many feelings buzzing inside me, too much booze around for me to resist. This ended with too much throwing up and a bed in Alex's bathroom. In the morning, I wished that I had just driven myself home and had a horrible accident.

Most of the month was spent curled up in my bed when I wasn't at school or work. I had to wonder why I had to change so dramatically. My birthday never would have involved alcohol before this year and I wouldn't have been so tempted to go for the gold by drinking it all myself. I had so much on my mind about what boy I should choose or if I should even pick either. It was too complicated, especially when Alex would come over to keep me company.

He'd crawl into bed next to me, cuddling up to me under the covers. He was completely oblivious as to why I had chosen to stay away from him and he had to come to me. Either that, or he was like an animal before an earthquake. The possibility that he might realize something bad was coming made me want to keep my distance even more. I didn't want to hurt him even before I had figured something out and I didn't want him to be angry.

I tried to hide it as well as I could. My unenthusiastic return cuddling probably had no effect on my case. Maybe except that it was making it worse.

Like almost everything else, I started to hate the snow. It reminded me of the start of this whole mess. But it wasn't making anything better. It didn't put anything on hold. The weather was just cold and made me more miserable and antisocial than I already was.

So that was another reason why the month was nothing important and why I didn't welcome February with open arms. I barely even noticed the change, walking around in a stupor everywhere and cutting myself off. As if I hadn't gone through enough of a change in the past months. I hardly recognized myself anymore and surely if Alex weren't always attached to my hand, no one else would know it was me either. I wasn't proud of my sickly-looking state. The cold just seemed to be accelerating it.

The guys did manage to get me out of my bedroom a few times. Most of those acts of commandeering me were spent in my living room, awkwardly watching television while I acted as if they weren't there and my parents provided all the conversation. There were other times when they managed to get me out. I didn't remember much from those nights. After my disastrous party, they knew to keep me away from alcohol. But I blocked out most of Alex's squeezing of my hand when I didn't laugh at something obviously funny and Jack throwing glances my way.

This was one of those nights.

The conversation I had been having with Hadley through texts was over too soon. Now I was stuck staring across the table at Denny's as if I really cared what was going on. Matt was telling some story. By what happened to slip through, I'd definitely already heard it at least once. Tonight, Jack wasn't the only one looking at me. Frequently I could feel several eyes on me. I tried to ignore them, playing with sugar I'd dumped from a packet onto the table. That was, until Zack blew the grains into my lap.

I glared up at him. "You're so rude," I pretended to sneer. I thought it was fake anyway, but he sat back in shock. This time I threw him an apologetic look.

"What's wrong?" he asked, clearly not catching on that it was the elephant in the room that no one would dare speak of.

I shook my head and he automatically dropped it. Everyone else had stopped what he or she were doing though and didn't continue. My bad mood was affecting everyone all the time. I hated myself.

Alex cleared his throat stiffly, looking around at everyone as he put his arm around my shoulders. Faintly, I felt the fire that used to flame inside me at his touch. "Guess we should finish," he suggested. "Then we'll go back to my place."

They all mumbled and nodded, picking up where they had left off. A sigh came out almost on cue, like most other nights. Alex was going to drag me with them and I would have to go through this all over again. Once a night was enough, and my actions -or lack there of- appeared to have been enough for them all already tonight. Did I really have to put them through and endure more? I realized the answer to that was simple enough when I found myself stuffed in the van between my boyfriend and Kara.

For once, Alex's parents were home when we were. The two of them greeted us in the warm, familiar accents that I loved. As everyone else hurried onto the basement, I hung back with Alex to hear the discussion he had with his mother just to get comfort from her voice. They had moved from England years ago, but they neither of them had lost their accents like Alex had. So I always made sure to listen and get lost in the small comfort of it whenever I saw his parents. As the two of us made our way to join the others, I felt myself calm a bit and even smile.

There were signs of a fight that had taken place to see who got the couch and who had to take the floor. Jack and Kara had won, the latter spread over most of it. She was trying hard to force Jack off. In my new hybrid mood, I helped her out by going over and placing myself close enough between them to push him off. I giggled when he fell to the floor.

Now what had caused more silence? The mentioned elephant or the way I was acting now? It was hard to say.

I pretended like they weren't shocked. I beckoned Alex over to sit on my lap so Kara could keep her two-thirds of the seat and attempted to strike up a conversation with Rian. Apparently, what I thought was interesting about zombies just wasn't enough to have them all forget so easily. Leaning my head back, I abandoned hope of getting them to act as if I had never been different. Surely, they thought I was going to be back to that shortly. I didn't blame them. I thought exactly the same.

I felt Alex's hand slip into mine as they all finally regained composure. I hadn't realized how cold mine had been until then. He turned his head to meet my gaze, his chocolate eyes soft and sad. Was it for me or for them? That one I'd probably never know. He stood from my lap quickly then and sulked over to the fridge to supply some cheap beer to numb him and make the others giddy again.

While they all got up and gathered elsewhere, I stayed seated with my legs curled under me. I was now the leper, keeping myself away for everyone else's sake at first and now feared to be around. Of course it was my fault. Most things seemed to be. I couldn't fix it, at least not yet. As I stared at all my friends, setting my gaze on Alex and Jack talking, I realized that things would be okay eventually. If they could get along now while one of them knew my secret, they would still be best friends once I was over this. Whoever's arms I fell into, it wouldn't hurt everyone anymore.

It wasn't long after I thought of this and was smiling to myself when I felt eyes on me. Not several pairs like it had been. Just one. I looked up and found Jack. He was alone now, on the other side of the room with everyone else but secluded from topics. He smiled at me before getting up and gesturing for me to follow him somewhere. My eyes flickered to Alex, but he was preoccupied and would never notice my absence the way he once did. So I stood and waited for Jack to lead the way.

We took the stairs, opening the side door to go outside. This was always the place we ended up. In the cold, exposed to the elements. Yet someone that shouldn't find us never did. I thought of the last time, New Year's. Did I want that to happen again? I couldn't say yes, but I also knew that I couldn't say no.

"A lot on your mind lately?" Jack questioned after a moment's silence. He had his hands in the pockets of his jeans, keeping his arms straight and close to his body to stay warm. I loved how much he looked so young, so innocent. So worried.

I nodded. "I have. Forever, it seems." I told him. I crossed my own arms. For the first time, you could find me without a hoodie or a cardigan. What a regret.

"I guess a month is a long time," he stated, seemingly finding it hard to produce something else.

I couldn't help but snort. "I've known since before the kiss, Jack. I know more than you think." He looked clueless. "Hadley told me before Alex's birthday. And don't think that I think you're doing this just to steal me away from your best friend," I demanded. God only knew what he really thought I believed.

He took a while to think of what to say, stuttering around when he finally got them out. Finally, they came out clear. "You knew when you slept with him. You knew I was harboring something for you that I've never even thought of for anyone else and you still fucked Alex?!" he yelled. I cringed, backing away. I never thought something like this would come out of him, especially after the boyish qualities minutes ago. "Was he just a test?" he asked when I didn't answer.

"No," I whispered, letting the fog of the word carry it to him. Jack blinked in clear surprise. "Despite all of this, I do love him."

He waved his hand in the air, dismissing my words as not bothering him. "Good," he spit, walking back to the door. "Can't wait for the wedding."

Grabbing his arm, I forced him to turn back around. "That doesn't mean that I don't feel the same thing for you. It's complicated beyond anything; but-" I cut myself off, leaning up to connect our lips.

Automatically his arms went around me, one hand to my waist with the other to hold my cheek. I moved both of mine to his neck to be sure he didn't pull away to ask questions.

Kissing Jack was so different from kissing Alex. With the latter, it was so obvious how much passion we put into our relationship. It was fiery and romantic. Jack kept everything soft and sweet, and it was easy to go along with it. Life would be so perfect if I could throw both of them together to get the best of both worlds.

I wasn't sure how long it took us to pull apart, but eventually we did. I sucked in several deep breaths as I stared at him. He did just the same, a wide smile on his face. That's when it hit.

Giggles broke from my vocal cords, rumbling my chest. The night didn't seem so dark as they continued and I heard Jack join in. I don't think either of us knew what was so funny. Laughing like this just seemed right with him, at this moment. When I was back to just small chuckles, I lay my hand on his shoulder.

"We always end up here," I said.

Then the door opened. "Hey, what's going on out here?" Alex inquired in a mock stern voice. It took almost two seconds for a smile to break his features.

I was still giggling as I answered," Just talking about a ridiculous love story."

Alex nodded as he looked between us. "Clarke, you have goose bumps. You have to be freezing," he pointed out after a minute. He took the hand that I had dropped from Jack's shoulder. "Why don't we get you inside?" he insisted while pulling me close and nuzzling his face in my hair.

I was positive he didn't suspect anything. I admired his great boyfriend skills after all my distance kept. As he led me back through the door, my heart still tugged though I was content with him. Turning my head before I was out of sight, I apologized to Jack silently. He didn't seem hurt. Just shrugged as if he understood and followed slowly.