My Life As Sienna Brown
Part 148
It was the following weekend that set everything into a horrible turn of events- at least in my part.
It was the weekend I was set to move. All of my things were packed in boxes, but when my two accomplices arrived, I discovered that I would not be aloud to help carry my own things around. I was told I could hurt myself. So I sat around and watched as Frank and Mikey (and my father the odd time) packed boxes int othe car. And packed boxes out of the car.
I stood at the sidelines. And I felt useless. A belly began to show from under my shirt, preventing me from seeing the number the scale showed when I weighed myself each morning. My top button of my jeans had refused to do up and my back was getting sore. I was irritated; but I was irritated with myself.
And it only got worse after that. I didn't need the scale to tell me how much weight I had gained. I looked in the mirror and saw the fat flowing out from my hips. My face was fat, my hair had grown greasy. I didn't understand how Frank still looked at me and smiled. I didn't understand how Mikey could spend hour after hour talking to me. Why didn't they just act like Gerard and leave me alone?
I was a freak. If I laid still at night, I could feel something moving inside of me. I could feel it, and at first I didn't like it. At first I wonderered why I had made the decision I had made. Why had my mother made the decision to keep her child? Was it because she felt it wrong to do otherwise; Or had she grown attached? Would I grow attached? Of course I would- I just needed to get used to all of this.
Stocking books in Barnes & Nobles wouldn't keep me going in life, and my mother was right when she had told me that I had screwed up my life in that department. I didn't want to be a middle-aged woman on welfare. I wanted to go to school. But I knew I couldn't- not now. It just wouldn't work.
People would look at me different. People were already looking at me different. I would walk down the street and people would just stare- and it wasn't even at my face. I could see the disgust in their eyes. I couldn't change their opinions. I couldn't even change my own. Frank was a loser for loving me. But he was the only loser who would ever love me. I had to accept that, despite how scary I had decided it was.
I would look down at my hand and see thing beautiful shinig ring. I don't deserve it. I can't stand how nice these two were acting. What if this was all a mask. What if their kindness wore off after all of this. I wouldn't be able to help it, and I wouldn't be able to hold one because it would only make things worse.
I had dreams at night. They were strange and uncomfortable, waking me in discomfort of fright. They stirred up memories that made me choke in my sleep. My dreams captured me at night to the point where I couldn't wake myself up. So I spent the days wishing that sleep would never come, and I spent the nights hoping that there would be someone to wake me.
It was all I could do.
It was the weekend I was set to move. All of my things were packed in boxes, but when my two accomplices arrived, I discovered that I would not be aloud to help carry my own things around. I was told I could hurt myself. So I sat around and watched as Frank and Mikey (and my father the odd time) packed boxes int othe car. And packed boxes out of the car.
I stood at the sidelines. And I felt useless. A belly began to show from under my shirt, preventing me from seeing the number the scale showed when I weighed myself each morning. My top button of my jeans had refused to do up and my back was getting sore. I was irritated; but I was irritated with myself.
And it only got worse after that. I didn't need the scale to tell me how much weight I had gained. I looked in the mirror and saw the fat flowing out from my hips. My face was fat, my hair had grown greasy. I didn't understand how Frank still looked at me and smiled. I didn't understand how Mikey could spend hour after hour talking to me. Why didn't they just act like Gerard and leave me alone?
I was a freak. If I laid still at night, I could feel something moving inside of me. I could feel it, and at first I didn't like it. At first I wonderered why I had made the decision I had made. Why had my mother made the decision to keep her child? Was it because she felt it wrong to do otherwise; Or had she grown attached? Would I grow attached? Of course I would- I just needed to get used to all of this.
Stocking books in Barnes & Nobles wouldn't keep me going in life, and my mother was right when she had told me that I had screwed up my life in that department. I didn't want to be a middle-aged woman on welfare. I wanted to go to school. But I knew I couldn't- not now. It just wouldn't work.
People would look at me different. People were already looking at me different. I would walk down the street and people would just stare- and it wasn't even at my face. I could see the disgust in their eyes. I couldn't change their opinions. I couldn't even change my own. Frank was a loser for loving me. But he was the only loser who would ever love me. I had to accept that, despite how scary I had decided it was.
I would look down at my hand and see thing beautiful shinig ring. I don't deserve it. I can't stand how nice these two were acting. What if this was all a mask. What if their kindness wore off after all of this. I wouldn't be able to help it, and I wouldn't be able to hold one because it would only make things worse.
I had dreams at night. They were strange and uncomfortable, waking me in discomfort of fright. They stirred up memories that made me choke in my sleep. My dreams captured me at night to the point where I couldn't wake myself up. So I spent the days wishing that sleep would never come, and I spent the nights hoping that there would be someone to wake me.
It was all I could do.