My Life As Sienna Brown
Part 155
Twenty minutes later I found myself spilling my guts to a very greasy looking Gerard Way in a Starbuck's coffee shop booth.
"You're worrying too much," he stated simply, sipping at his coffee.
"And what's your excuse," I asked. "You think all your pills and your booze are going to help you? Is that your fucking plan?"
"No. I don't got no excuse I take complete and total responsibility for my actions," he slurred in an almsot drunken manner, making me question the very idea. However, he went on, "But it doesn't even matter. I make my own decisions; No one else. And I like the decisions I make and I'll live the way I want. I'm not going to change for you, or anybody!"
"What about Mikey," I blurted out in a moment of heated conversation.
"What about him," he stated simply.
I gasped. "My god, Gerard- You have changed. Your brother used to mean the world to you. He cares about you, Gee. And he's worried. We all are."
"It doesn't even matter," he repeated, looking down into the dark coffee cup.
I sighed and slumped into my seat, cupping the warm decaff in my hands as I looked out the window to the miserable, cloudy day outside.
"Why are you so unhappy," he asked me suddenly.
"I don't know... Things just get stressful, Gee; you know that. We all handle it in different ways and right now I just don't have any way to deal with it. I've sworn that I'd never hurt anyone the way I hurt them before. I can't go back to the way I used to be."
"Says who," he said cleverly.
I looked up, locking eyes with his evil genius. And this piece of eveil genius sat across the table from me in a booth in the back of a Startbuck's coffee shop. He had changed, and it didn't matter- he was right: Nothing any of us did could control that.
"You know... There are plenty of people who get by without depending on anything and they're perfectly happy," I stated.
"They're a bunch of fucking losers," Gerard spat quietly.
"Gerard, stop," I commanded.
"Why," he said, slightly louder, making people near us turn their heads and look. "Why should I stop? Give me one god-damn good reason, 'cause I know I sure as hell am sick of trying! What else am I supposed to do, Anna? I went my whole life doing what people told me to; doing 'what's right' for my future when that future isn't even the one I want, it's a pile of useless shit. I'm sick of that; I'm sick of listening to other people; I'm sick of living on this useless day-to-day plan; I'm sick of living for christ's sake!"
"What do you mean," I asked.
"Nothing," he muttered. "I couldn't possibly expect you to understand."
"Can't you see I'm trying? Dammit, you think you've got things so hard Gee and you haven't even got a single clue! Do you have any idea how hard things get for me sometimes? Your family supports you no matter what you do, my paren'ts won't even talk to me! You're so sure about this future- At least you know what you don't want. Gerard... I don't even know where I'm going to be next year. My best friend died, I'm having a kid, and I'm supposed to be getting married! I stress out over every small thing and there is absolutely nobody there- I'm all by myself every single day. Gerard, I couldn't even go away to school this year..."
"At least you've got Frank," he stated.
"Frank's at school most of the day; I barely see him anymore..."
Gerard cocked an eyebrow and smirked. "Sienna Brown, are you having second thoughts?"
"No... I just get frustrated sometimes."
"Oh," he said quietly.
I looked up at him and he didn't even notice. He was running his rim around the rim of his coffee.
"You know nothing about me," he randomly spat from under dark strands of jet black hair.
"I used to," I said kindly. "Why can't I anymore? Why won't you let me?"
"Because I'm not worth it, Anna. You've got a future ahead of you, and no matter what you think, Frankie loves you a lot and I stand by that."
I sighed, looking at his slumping, shy figure. Why was he being this way? I would admit that Gerard of all people was strange, but so were any of us. It usually wasn't all this hard to get inside his head. He was suddenly being considerate, but only towards me. All I suddenly knew was that he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. But he was hiding something. Something personal...
"You're worrying too much," he stated simply, sipping at his coffee.
"And what's your excuse," I asked. "You think all your pills and your booze are going to help you? Is that your fucking plan?"
"No. I don't got no excuse I take complete and total responsibility for my actions," he slurred in an almsot drunken manner, making me question the very idea. However, he went on, "But it doesn't even matter. I make my own decisions; No one else. And I like the decisions I make and I'll live the way I want. I'm not going to change for you, or anybody!"
"What about Mikey," I blurted out in a moment of heated conversation.
"What about him," he stated simply.
I gasped. "My god, Gerard- You have changed. Your brother used to mean the world to you. He cares about you, Gee. And he's worried. We all are."
"It doesn't even matter," he repeated, looking down into the dark coffee cup.
I sighed and slumped into my seat, cupping the warm decaff in my hands as I looked out the window to the miserable, cloudy day outside.
"Why are you so unhappy," he asked me suddenly.
"I don't know... Things just get stressful, Gee; you know that. We all handle it in different ways and right now I just don't have any way to deal with it. I've sworn that I'd never hurt anyone the way I hurt them before. I can't go back to the way I used to be."
"Says who," he said cleverly.
I looked up, locking eyes with his evil genius. And this piece of eveil genius sat across the table from me in a booth in the back of a Startbuck's coffee shop. He had changed, and it didn't matter- he was right: Nothing any of us did could control that.
"You know... There are plenty of people who get by without depending on anything and they're perfectly happy," I stated.
"They're a bunch of fucking losers," Gerard spat quietly.
"Gerard, stop," I commanded.
"Why," he said, slightly louder, making people near us turn their heads and look. "Why should I stop? Give me one god-damn good reason, 'cause I know I sure as hell am sick of trying! What else am I supposed to do, Anna? I went my whole life doing what people told me to; doing 'what's right' for my future when that future isn't even the one I want, it's a pile of useless shit. I'm sick of that; I'm sick of listening to other people; I'm sick of living on this useless day-to-day plan; I'm sick of living for christ's sake!"
"What do you mean," I asked.
"Nothing," he muttered. "I couldn't possibly expect you to understand."
"Can't you see I'm trying? Dammit, you think you've got things so hard Gee and you haven't even got a single clue! Do you have any idea how hard things get for me sometimes? Your family supports you no matter what you do, my paren'ts won't even talk to me! You're so sure about this future- At least you know what you don't want. Gerard... I don't even know where I'm going to be next year. My best friend died, I'm having a kid, and I'm supposed to be getting married! I stress out over every small thing and there is absolutely nobody there- I'm all by myself every single day. Gerard, I couldn't even go away to school this year..."
"At least you've got Frank," he stated.
"Frank's at school most of the day; I barely see him anymore..."
Gerard cocked an eyebrow and smirked. "Sienna Brown, are you having second thoughts?"
"No... I just get frustrated sometimes."
"Oh," he said quietly.
I looked up at him and he didn't even notice. He was running his rim around the rim of his coffee.
"You know nothing about me," he randomly spat from under dark strands of jet black hair.
"I used to," I said kindly. "Why can't I anymore? Why won't you let me?"
"Because I'm not worth it, Anna. You've got a future ahead of you, and no matter what you think, Frankie loves you a lot and I stand by that."
I sighed, looking at his slumping, shy figure. Why was he being this way? I would admit that Gerard of all people was strange, but so were any of us. It usually wasn't all this hard to get inside his head. He was suddenly being considerate, but only towards me. All I suddenly knew was that he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. But he was hiding something. Something personal...