Painful Lullaby

The moment I walked out the door, I lost all my strength. I practically collapsed. But I needed to make it somewhere, as long as it was away from here. So, I went to that guy who lived in the alley who had all the alcohol. And I got some vodka again.

I waited until later that night before I got wasted, I didn't need anyone seeing me like that.

__________

Four days. It's been four days since I've seen Jag. I was driving myself insane. His voice was stuck in my mind, telling me over and over again that he had to think things over. He had completely taken me over.

I tried to get my mind off of him by going to the park. I walked out of the alley I'd been sleeping in and walked to the park, his voice circling in my mind.

I don't know you, Roxie...I don't know you, Roxie...I don't know you, Roxie.

I seen the trees of the park, and instantly breathed a sigh of relief. It was like coming home.

As I walked closer, I could see the playscapes and the children. Then I seen him.

Jag.

He was there, sitting on a bench. I stopped, right there on the sidewalk because somebody was with him.

Adam.

I guess that wasn't weird, I mean, maybe they were hanging out before they were playing there. They were friends. It was understandable. Then something happened.

Jag leaned over and kissed Adam.

No. No, no, no, no, no! This wasn't happening! It couldn't be! My breath became quicker and it became harder to breathe in general. I should just keep walking and act like I hadn't seen a thing. I looked around for some secluded place for me to go, to hide, to get away from the thoughts that were bombarding my mind.

I found a nice tree that sat there, old and lonely, in the middle of a field. I walked a little quicker until I reached it. I threw my bags down and layed down next to them. I contemplated bringing out my razor blade again. It was in a velvet box in my bag. I contemplated bringing out my ciggarettes, but I'd stopped. I wanted to get rid of those habits.

But, I'd stopped for Jag.

He obviously doesn't care if you want to kill yourself anymore.

So, that gave me the idea of a lifetime.

__________

The branch of the tree was at the perfect angle, not quite too high, but not quite too low. And my clothes really did make the perfect noose...

I stood on my bags and put my neck in the noose. On my arm was my suicide note.

I'm sorry, Jag.

I placed my neck in the the noose. I kicked my bags from under my feet.

"ROXIE, NO!"

Then, it went black.