Painful Lullaby

As soon as Jag pulled out of the lot, I broke down. I curled up into a ball and started sobbing uncontrollably. I tried to look at Jag, but the tears made it impossible. During a pause of my tears, I could hear a sniff coming from the front seat. I took a deep, shaky breath and looked at Jag. He was crying too, which sent me into another fit of tears. I sobbed until my eyes were sore and my head was throbbing. Yet, tears still found their way down my cheeks.

I could tell when Jag pulled into the driveway because he stopped the car. I couldn't move, I couldn't get out of the car. Jag got out and unbuckled me, his arm brushing my stomach. I flinched away from his touch, pressing myself into the seat.

"C-come on, you've got-t to get inside," Jag muttered, backing away from me. My entire body was violently shaking and I couldn't stop it. I felt dirty. I felt used. I stumbled my way into the house, Jag being extremely careful not to touch me again. Once I got in the house, didn't know what to do.

"I-I think I should take a shower," I said, keeping my voice reasonably steady. Jag nodded, much like he'd done earlier. I shuddered at the thought. I slowly walked up the stairs, bracing myself using the railing. I kept myself as calm as possible, walking into Jag's room. I pulled out my iPod and iHome and went into the bathroom. I pulled off my clothes, shoving them into a bag. I didn't want to see them any time soon. I turned on the shower, realizing how cold my body was. I turned my iPod on to the first comforting thing that I could think of: My Chemical Romance. My saviors.

The first song that came on was 'I Never Told You What I Do For A Living'. I skipped it quickly, the lyrics eerily close to my current situation. I stepped into the shower, sliding down so that I was sitting hunched over with my legs pulled tight to my chest. I started crying again, I couldn't help it. It was my fault. My fault that I was so helpless. My fault that I left Jag. My fault that I hadn't used the bathroom before I left Zoe's. My fault...

"Roxie, I think you should come out now," I heard Jag say as he knocked on the door. I jumped and shut off the water with no intention of leaving the bathroom any time soon. But I forced myself to move, my body felt heavy. I still felt dirty. My mouth tasted like copper and when I opened it, it was filled with blood from biting my lip, something I hadn't realized that I'd done.

Then it hit me. I knew I had to do it. I searched the drawers but found nothing that I liked. I wrapped myself in a towel and moved my legs and arms until I found myself in Jag's bedroom. I grabbed some new clothes and the small box that I'd locked my insecurities in. I stiffly moved back into the bathroom, throwing my clothes on the floor and opening the box. There it was, silvery and beautiful. I picked up the razor blade and ran it across my thigh, applying a little too much pressure and cutting deeper than I wanted to.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," I muttered, not quite hearing myself over the music. I don't even know if I said anything or not, but I do know that I was thinking it. I grabbed some toilet paper and pressed it to the cut where the blood was pouring out steadily. I started crying again, I'd fucked up again.

I soaked up some of the blood with the toilet paper, but there was still more coming out. My head started spinning and I grabbed more toilet paper. I could hear a knock at the door again. My heart started racing. I became frantic as I tried to stop the bleeding.

"I'm coming in there," Jag said, his voice thick with worry. He slowly opened the door, looking around for me. His eyes widened and he unplugged my iHome as he came running to me. He placed his hands on my shoulders, making me shrink back in fear. I shouldn't be scared of him, I shouldn't. He saved me. He saved me!

"Don't. Panic. Oh, Roxie. Why? Why?" Jag mumbled, pulling my leg down. I guess I wasn't the only one repeating things today. Jag grabbed a towel and pressed it over the cut with more pressure than I could bear. I screamed. And then it went black.