Painful Lullaby

"We were talking, and we're talking right now," I told Jag, not daring to look at him.

"No, that's not what I mean. I mean seriously talk." Jag said. He sounded pissed.

"At Wal-Mart?" I said, sounding smug. I don't know what was with me these days. I think it was the snide comments that kept away my mental mother. Sabotaging my relationship just to keep the voices out of my head. Nice.

"No, I mean when we get home," he said. He grabbed a cart and took it toward the food section.

__________

Jag and I put away the last of the groceries. He turned to me, looking serious.

"In the dining room," he said, sounding like the fathers in those movies where the teenager does something terrible and they're about to scold them. I smirked and went into the dining room. I don't even know if you could call it that, because the dining room and kitchen were connected. I sat down obediently and Jag sat across from me.

"What's wrong with you?" he said. He sounded utterly insensitive. He even had that disgusted look on his face.

See? He continues to prove my point. You're a fucking loser, what made you think he actually liked you?

Constantly with the questions! When did she ever shut up?!

"I don't know what you mean," I sneered.

"You know damn well what I mean!" Jag yelled, slamming his fist down on the table. I jumped. He truly had scared the shit out of me. Right then and there I lost every bit of sarcastic confidence that I'd previously had. But the fear soon left and anger rushed in to take it's place.

"I find it very funny that you tell me you care. Because I know you don't. All this," I waved my hand around at the house, "is all a ploy. It's a plan to get a good fuck. But when I start to show, you're going to throw me out the door. I don't know you, Jag. I don't know if you've done this before. How many girls has Donny fixed up for you? How should I know that I was your first kiss? How many girls have you played this game with? Hell, I didn't even know you existed until less than a month ago!"

Jag looked taken aback. His mouth was hanging open, his eyes glazed over with unshed tears.

"Get out," he whispered, "Get the fuck out."

"I'd be fucking glad to." I shoved back the chair. It fell backwards. I wasn't planning that, but it added a nice effect.

"Oh, and don't come back here begging for me to take you back tomorrow. I fucking want you gone. I've never done anything like this before! I've never kissed anyone before you, I've never fucked anyone before you. You're the only girl Donny's fixed up for me because you're the only girl I care about! And if you consider this a game, then you just fucking lost," Jag yelled. I opened the door and walked out.

"I hope you're fucking proud of yourself," I hissed as I slammed the door shut.

"Roxie! What the hell happened?" I turned to see Donny looking at me from his car.

"You know what, Donny? Fuck off!" I yelled. Then I ran. I don't know how long I ran, I don't know where I ran to. All I can remember is my mother. Scolding me inside my own head, prying her way in. Taunting me.

I told you so, I told you so!

She gloated like a little fucking kid. But she was right. She always was right. Jag didn't like me, even in the beginning. He was using me. A few good fucks and I'm out the door before I can figure out his game. But I figured it out. Oh, I fucking got it.

My breath came in shorter puffs now, sometimes not coming at all. I collapsed then. I was on the side of the road. I let my eyes close, my breath taking it's sweet time to steady out and become normal.

And then that's when I started crying. The sobs overtook my body, shaking me from the core. I cried harder than I ever had in my entire life, harder than any of the times my mom hit me. Harder than the time Jag broke up with me. Harder than the times when I tried to kill myself. Harder than the time I got raped. Harder than the time I found out I was pregnant.

It was like a mourning. A mourning for my innocence, my virginity, my friendships, my relationships, everything. I don't know how long I cried, but I couldn't remember when I started, so probably a long time.

"Hey, are you okay?"