Perfect Denial

Tom surveyed his younger brother over the breakfast table and pushed a box of Honey Loops towards him

“Eat…”Tom mumbled, stuffing a spoon of the same cereal into his mouth, chewed and swallowed “Breakfast’s the most important meal of the day”

Bills light brown eyes flickered momentarily to his twin before letting them fall again

“No…I’m not hungry”

Tom swallowed the lump of grumbles that rose in his throat and looked away from his sulking, moody brother. He was sick and tired of Bills downtrodden attitude since he had seen Dana three days ago. But he knew now was not the time to pick a fight with an already grumpy Bill. He’d end up with a black eye…

A loud car horn sounded from outside their large apartment on the busy city streets

“That’s Hagen” Tom muttered, grabbing his hoodie and stalking out the door, closely followed by his numb, tired twin.

Bill knew Tom was annoyed at him and normally he’d try and fix that problem straight away but right now, he just didn’t care what Tom thought. He highly doubted Tom understood what was going on in his mind.

Tom had never been in love. Tom had never been in a goddamn relationship that lasted over a fortnight. When Tom looked at a woman, he saw boobs and bum. Bill looked at a woman and saw a completely different view. What he saw was an amazing smile, a twinkle in an eye or the beauty of an infectious laugh….

He often wondered how they could be so different…yet so alike?

~PxD~

Arriving at the studio, they all clambered out of Georg’s car and walked into the conference room where they knew Dave had been waiting for them.

“What’s on the agenda today boss?” Tom asked, sitting down and stretching his legs

Dave looked down at the clipboard in front of him
“Love and Death is to be recorded today. Gustav, your up in room seven, everything’s set up and Bill your singing in room four when The Static Undertones are finished in there. Tom, Georg you two are on later today…so you three just chill out here as usual and Gustav whenever you’re ready”

Gustav stood up, cracking his neck and knuckles, rolling his shoulders in anticipation for his favourite pastime and followed Dave out of the room.

Bill got up, not in the mood to sit around for hours on end and wandered out into the almost empty building of the studio. He remembered their last album and how excited he had been. How innocent and young he was back then. Everything had seemed perfect…he didn’t know so many years later, he would be back nursing a very tender heart wound and craving a girl so much it physically hurt.

He walked down the corridors and finally stopped outside Room four where Dana was recording…curiosity got the better of him and he carefully opened the door and looked inside.

Cody was standing in one half of the room, talking with Gregory, one of the tech producers and neither noticed Bill standing at the door.

On the other half of the room, covered by a soundproof panel of glass Dana was sitting in front of a piano. Dressed in a simple white dress, her long hair flowing down her back, slightly constrained by the headphones over her ears she started to play. The melody her fingers created over the keys drifted to Bill from speakers over head and he paused to listen…

“There’s a song that’s inside of my soul
It’s the one that I’ve tried to write over and
Over again
I’m awake in the infinite cold
But you sing to me over, and over, and over again”

Bill closed his eyes, mesmerised by the haunting beauty of Dana’s voice. He had never shown she had such talent but what Dana had said was true. He’d never asked so obsessed in his own little musical world.

“So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hand and pray
To be only yours I pray
To be only yours
I know now, you’re my only hope”

Bill felt his heart smash. He recognised this tune…he recognised this song. This is what Dana had been playing those years ago when he had arrived at her house, intent on begging her forgiveness. This was the song he had witnessed her break down and start to sob in the middle of playing. He knew, without needing to be told, that Dana had wrote this song. She had written this song about their relationship, about him…before everything.

He stepped out of the room, his breathing slightly shallow and closed the door as quietly as he had come in…so only Cody could see the tear that trickled out of Danas eye as she sang the lyrics of her heart.

“Sing to me the song of the stars
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing,
And laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again”

Bill back down the corridor again and finally unable to think, he slid down the wall, to wrap his long arms around his legs and rest his face on his knees

Tom turned the corner and stopped, seeing the huddled form of Bill. He gritted his teeth. This moping had gone too far

“Get up Bill”

Bill jumped, startled by the sudden appearance of his twin

“What?”

“I said get up. This shit has gone too far. I’m tired of seeing you beat yourself up over a stupid girl”

“It’s none of your business Tom”

Tom looked angry, very angry

“It is my business Bill! It’s time you grew up. She’s only a girl…Dana’s no more ordinary than any other woman on the street outside…forget her!”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about Tom…just shut up” Bill stood up, his own temper now rising…

“I know you’re acting like a lovesick teenager. Get over it Bill! Get over her!”

Bill had had enough.

“What the fuck do you want me to say Tom? Huh? What do you want me to say? Dana was and still is the love of life. I was in love with her then and I’m still in love with her now….and that is what you know nothing about!
Maybe I should tell you what you want to hear Tom? Maybe I should do that….” Bills voice rose to a scream “She was just a notch on the bedpost. She was nothing….absolutely nothing. A game that I played and got bored of Tom?...She never meant anything to me. I only ever wanted Dana for sex…how about that? Sand when I got her in bed, I decided she wasn’t worth keeping…”

Tom who had slowly been growing more and more shocked at his brother’s outrage, turned pale

“Bill….”

Bill noticed how Tom’s eyes travelled over his shoulder and he turned around.

He hadn’t heard the door of room four open. He hadn’t heard the music stop but now he saw Dana standing shocked in the middle of the corridor, a think coating of glossy tears over her blue eyes and her shaking hand held up to her mouth.

“Dana…” he whispered

Dana gave a strangled sob and turned, running out of the building and into the street. Bill raced after her, catching her as she reached the pavement and caught her swinging her around
“Dana! Didn’t you hear what I said?”

Her eyes flashed and she whipped her wrist out of his grasp “I heard what you said Bill…I heard how I meant nothing…how it was just a game, I really fell for your ttricks Bill…I thought you were different…”

Bills eyes turned wide “No…Dana…didn’t you hear what I said before, I still love you Dana…you’re my everything…” his voice dropped to a whisper, to a strangled plea

She backed away towards the road “Spare me the bullshit Bill….there’s no need to explain anything anymore. I was the stupid one…for falling for you”

She flagged down a taxi and disappeared, leaving Bill hopelessly staring after her.

~PxD~

Dana stood in the shower for an hour, allowing her tears to mix with the water dribbling down her skinny body

Getting out and changing into a small t shirt and boxer shorts, she cursed her shaking hands. They always shook these days…and she couldn’t admit to having a problem.

Fumbling with the cap of her prescribed anti-depressants, she finally opened it and gulped down the tiny white tablets, shuddering at the dry taste as they rand down her throat.

She moaned to herself and shook her head, massaging her temples. Trying to think of anything but him…and failing miserably.

A headache was threatening to split her skull in a half, a perfect ending to a bloody perfect day.

She grabbed a handful of paracetamol before bending over the sink, allowing fresh water to spill into her mouth from the tap above and swallowed them.

She rested her head on her counter, the cool surface feeling refreshing against her pounding head. She stayed like that for an age and finally realising she was exhausted, staggered to her bed, faintly wondering why the room was spinning and collapsed onto the soft mattress, she smiled bemused at the black circle deepening over her head and finally fell into a blissful void of shadow and darkness….