Perfect Denial

Bill sat in the waiting room of the hospital, staring at the cold, white walls around him. The window showed the darkening night and he clenched his trembling hands in his lap. Gustav was sitting next to him, his head bowed into his chest. He hadn’t said anything in over an hour and Bill knew he was thinking the exact same thing as him…was she going to die?

Her heartbeat had failed as the paramedics arrived and thinking of her lifeless body, Bill shuddered. He had just got her back after his terrible mistake…he couldn’t lose her again.

He waited, they all waited for the doctor. Cody, whom Gustav had called as they had raced after the ambulance was pacing, the click of his boots the only sound in the quiet room. Tears were rushing down his pale face catching on the snakebites on his bottom lip making the metal glimmer in the pale light.

They all shot their heads up as the faint sound of footsteps could be heard and within five seconds a grey haired, tired looking man stepped into the room. He looked at them and gave a small smile. Bills nails dug into his skin as he clenched his fists, waiting, hoping, praying for good news.

“We managed to resuscitate Dana. Her heart didn’t stop for long and luckily the paramedics managed to revive her. Please follow me”

Bill tried not to grip onto Gustav for support as they followed the doctor through several clean, shining corridors until they reached the Intensive Care ward. Bill’s heart stuttered…why was she still in Intensive care?

The doctor stopped again and turned to the three boys behind him
“She hasn’t woken up yet…and she is still depending on the machines to breathe properly. I cannot say when or even if she will awake…but she’s alive and for the moment that’s all we can do. It’s up to her now…and her will to pull through”

Bill stepped back a moment, horrified…did this mean Dana, his Dana was in a coma? She might not wake up…he felt his breath go short and backed into the wall.

He wouldn’t be able to survive without her…not now…not knowing how much he had hurt her and as much as he tried to tell himself he hadn’t, deep down he knew he was the cause of all of this. It was his fault she was in the hospital. And if she died…it was because of him

Gustav turned to Bill, holding the door open and from the gap into the ward, Bill could already hear the beeping of the many machines keeping his Dana alive.

“I can’t go in there Gustav…I can’t…I can’t see her like that”

Gustav sighed and nodded, as always understanding, not bothering to argue. Cody was already in the room and Bill could hear him softly whispering to the still form of Dana…willing her to wake up.

Gustav dug in his pocket, finally pulling out a small key

“Here, I took this from her place before we left. Why don’t you go and get some clothes and pyjamas for her…for when she wakes up”

Bill couldn’t even find the strength to mutter “if…if she wakes up”

He just nodded mutely, taking the key and then the car keys of Gustav’s car. He walked slowly towards the entrance of the hospital and stopped abruptly as he reached outside. Hundreds of flashes snapped his direction, several journalists shouting different questions. He groaned, how did they know all ready?

He pushed past them and reached the car, quickly pulling out of the car park and rushing up the road. He didn’t bother going home…it would be worse there. With Tom asking questions and Bill knew if Tom got him to open up, he’d completely break down.

Instead, he pulled into the car park of Dana’s apartment building. He sat in the vehicle, resting his tired head against the steering wheel. It was now half six in the morning…they’d been at the hospital all night. And no doubt all the papers the next morning would read how Bill and Gustav were seen frantically entering Hamburg Hospital and who were they visiting?

He was suddenly thankful that at least for now Dana wasn’t famous. It would be hard on all of them to have to answer any questions about her mysterious illness. But soon she would be famous and have her fair share of the limelight. Bill had heard the songs on her album and they were good, they were very good.

But what would happen to The Static Undertones if Dana didn’t pull through? He immediately decided not to answer the question because Dana wasn’t going to die…she couldn’t die, she simply couldn’t.

He rubbed his face, not caring as he smudged the eyeliner he had half heartedly put on that morning and decided he better go inside. He reached her apartment door, and opened it, having to push quite hard due to the damage Gustav had made by kicking it in earlier.

He stood a moment in her empty rooms and once again compared it to the spacious and beautiful beach house she had lived in with Aaron. It must be very different but Dana wasn’t a material girl…she didn’t need fancy clothes or cars.

He sat down on the bed, he wondered what had gone here. Why had she overdosed but more truthfully had she meant to overdose? His Dana would never do that…but yet again he had to remind himself painfully that she wasn’t his Dana anymore.

He opened the small wardrobe and went through her clothes, what would she like to wear. He pulled out her pair of old, loose jeans she had worn in LA and that he knew she loved and added her Vans, an overly large comfortable jumper and a Cobra Starship t-shirt.

He folded them neatly, placing them into a small bag he had found on the floor and then looked for pyjamas…he knew she preferred to wear shorts and t-shirts in bed and soon found a very long man’s shirt he knew she would use as nightclothes.

He tried not to look as he grabbed a handful of underwear and stuffed them into the bed, knowing Dana would be angry if she knew he had been choosing out her panties.

He stopped then, seeing an old cardboard shoe box hidden in the corner of the wardrobe. Curiosity got the better of him and he took it, sitting down on the floor…something told him to look into it and slowly he opened the lid and gasped.

Bill looked down at his own face, and picked up an old album of Scream…he placed it on the floor next to him and it was soon joined by Screi and Zimmer 483. She had never thrown her old Tokio Hotel memories out…simply hidden them as if she could not look at them anymore. He unfolded several t shirts, one of them the t-shirt she had been wearing the very first day he had seen her. The day his whole world had changed forever.

He stopped as he reached the end of the box where there was a crumpled, folded page. He unfolded it and gasped…

It was the picture that had been taken that day they had gone roller-skating. He had completely forgotten about it. Dana must have walked back and paid the man for it later that evening, with her various cuts and bruises after her unfortunate accident.

He laughed slightly at his face, his eyes were widened in surprise as Dana was reaching in to press her face against his, and he had dared to put his arm around her waist which she had not objected to.

They looked so happy and Bill realised they had been happy. Though slightly lovesick his days in LA with Dana had been some of the best, innocent fun days of his life.

Smiled blessed both their nineteen year old faces, Dana’s eyes full of laughter and joy as they had used to be. Her hair was longer and his hair was hanging down, on the orders of Dana with ‘no lion mane…unless you want to attract crazy fan girls”.

His hand tightened on the photo, wrinkling it even more and he didn’t need the other wrinkles and finger marks to tell him that Dana had looked at this photograph often. Crying over what they were and what they could have been.

And there were newspaper clippings, pictures of Bill, drunk and unable to stand without the help of the various girl around him, some kissing his cheeks, others rubbing his legs suggestively. His face was blurred as if a spot of water had dropped on it, a tear drop…a tear drop that said “What have you done to yourself Bill Kaulitz? What have you done to us?

And for the first time in a long time, tears filled the eyes of Bill and he found himself curled on the floor of the empty apartment of the girl he loved, of the girl he would forever love and he sobbed. He cried with heart wrenching gasps for everything he had done, for the mistakes he had made, for the mistakes she had made and for the mess they were in now, that looked more and more broken and he feared it could never be mended.

His phone rang with a message and he glanced at the screen saying Gustav’s name under it;

“The doctors say she’s waking up”