Perfect Denial

Dana dropped her bag onto the hall table and sighed. The house was still empty though she was expecting the arrival of a certain Kaulitz twin today. It had been four very long weeks without Bill, she even missed Tom’s awful singing in the shower every morning.

In the long mirror in the hall, Dana smoothed down her silk top, her hand caressing the tiny bump that was beginning to protrude between her narrow hips. A soft smile blessed her mouth as she imagined the tiny life that was depending on her to survive, her child inside her womb, connected in a way no-body was ever connected to her before. For the first time in her life, somebody utterly depended on her.

In her mind, she could see his little body moving, his tiny limbs gripping onto the life that held him in her womb, his flickering heartbeat, so fragile she felt like a subtle breeze or wisp of wind would be able to rob her of him without even trying.

Dana had never thought about children in depth, though she knew that someday she would like to become a mother. It appeared that day had arrived and though Dana had no ring around her finger to prove a concrete hold, she knew that she and Bill would make the perfect family. He would be a dad to admire, a father other children would envy. Tom could teach his nephew how to play the guitar, Bill could teach him how to sing. He would grow up in a family surrounded by rock stars, and utter cool. But most importantly her son would grow up surrounded by love.

Dana slowly made her way up the stair, once again taking her bag with her to her bedroom. She lay down slowly onto the bed, her hand still curved protectively around her womb, as if any movement could harm him inside of her. She reached into her bad, clutching the sonogram picture from her first appointment that morning. She traced the outline of his face, his twelve week old arms and legs whose digits had just began to separate. His nails and hair would just be beginning to grow. His eyes would be brown, she hoped, like his dad.

It was too early to determine the sex of her child but deep in her heart, Dana knew it was a boy. Her first born son. Her William. Never before had she felt the rush of love she had experienced when his image appeared on the screen in the small room in the hospital. The way he had turned inside of her, his hand reaching out and grasping onto thin air. He had grasped her heart.

Bill still didn’t know, though the pregnancy tests had been positive four weeks ago. His trip to America was important to him, and to the band. Dana didn’t want to call him home to tell him right now. William would still be here, with her, in two weeks when Bill would be getting home.

But Dana knew the real reason for her hesitancy was fear, fear that Bill would reject their unborn baby. What if he didn’t feel ready to start a family? What if he didn’t want their child, what if eh didn’t want children at all? Dana didn’t want to face up to the reality that she may have to raise her son alone. Because if Bill didn’t want William, Dana would keep her son safe, away from anyone who would try to snatch his life away. Dana knew without being asked, she’d rather die than have her child taken away.

Dana closed her eyes, resting her tired body that was living for two. Sleep came quickly for her, her dreams rolling in her head, enveloping her body in a comfortable blanket.

She dreamt of his birth, she in a hospital bed, in a gown and cap. She was in pain, dreadful pain, she screamed out for Bill, and then for her father. She wanted it to stop, she needed it to stop. And then it did, as a pitiful wail reached her ears as his body hit the cold merciless air of the outside world, a world away from the warm comfortable surrounding he had lived inside for nine months. He was covered in blood and mucous, as was to be expected, and he writhed like a cat in the nurses arms, her hand grasping his neck in a firm hold, patting his lungs clear of any fluid. His eyes were scrunched up with the confusion, and the cold, his mouth was distorted in wailing. But he was hers, all hers.

And though somewhere, Dana knew she was dreaming, she could still feel his weight as his swaddled body was placed in her arms. He was quiet, thoughtful as if he knew it was his mother that was holding him, the arms that would hug any pain anyway, the mouth that would kiss away the tears. He was in her arms.

With a tear filled gaze, Dana ran her finger down his face, and placed it in his tiny hand that waved out of the blanket. Then he opened his eyes, and the dark blue eyes looked out and stared at her with a serious expression as if to say, ‘what the hell are you looking at?’ Dana laughed at her son, her own eyes filled with amazement at the creation she had helped to make.

“He’s beautiful,” Bill’s voice sounded in her ear and Dana jumped, turning to look at him.

She smiled, “You want him? You love him?”

Her voice seemed far away, almost distant. Her mind seemed to be drifting away as Bill reached out his arms and took William into his hold, kissing his sons forehead, already a father.

Dana opened her eyes with a gasp met by the empty bedroom. She had only slept for an hour, but it had answered all her questions. For a moment she reached out, expecting to feel the soft body of a baby, or the familiar presence of Bill but there was nothing. William was still a little form in her belly, Bill , several seas apart.

She got up, and looked inside her bag for her phone. She needed to ring Bill now, never minding the time distance, she needed to tell him. He needed to know she was carrying his child.

She cursed softly as she realised she had left her phone on the hall table, where her bag had previously sat. She got up, padding quickly to the stairs and began to trot down them.

It happened in an instant, as Dana’s foot slipped on one of the top steps, and her body fell from under her. Before her mind had registered what was happening, her body started to curl, protecting the life inside. A strangled scream came form her throat, as her arm was caught between the banisters of the stairs. There was a loud snap as her wrist broke and the thud of her body hitting the stairs, and then landing in a heap on the wooden floor of the hallway.

She tried to move, but found she couldn’t, her whole body frozen in shock. And then the pain started, creeping from the top of her head that was sticky with blood from a nasty bang, to her legs and feet. She moaned, her hand twitching, trying to will herself to move, to call an ambulance, to get help.

Pain seared through her stomach and a hot liquid could be felt between her legs. Tears streamed down Dana’s eyes, as she found she still could not move and she tried to deny what she knew was happening.

Her vision began to fade, her surroundings becoming blurred and then she heard the front door lock click as it was opened, and the door swing.

There was thud of a suitcase hitting the ground, and then she could make out the familiar figure of Tom.

“Holy shit Dana, what happened?”

“Call…call an ambulance Tom. Quickly!”, she managed to gasp out between her fear and pain.

Tom nodded, quickly getting the hospital on the phone and barking the address to the woman. He felt her head, and then his hand moved to her legs, coming away in a scarlet coating.

“Dana, you’re bleeding, really bad!” Tom’s voice wavered as he tried to cover up his fear.

Dana wailed, scaring Tom, and he tried to shush her, brushing her cheeks in a comforting gesture, leaving bloody fingerprints upon her skin.

“Tom, my baby,” she whispered, “Save my baby.”

Tom’s hand froze, and his eyes became wide. Her vision started to fade again, the darkness returning.

“No Dana, wake up, stay with me, Dana!”

“Save my baby Tom, my William,” she managed to whisper again before everything went black and Tom’s yells faded into the distance.