Perfect Denial

As Dana came crashing down the stairs, her arm trying to protect the baby inside her she had just begun to love, Bill was sleeping quite peacefully seas away in La. He missed the company of Tom, Georg and Gustav already, now left alone with Dave Jost, who has an older man wasn’t quite as entertaining as his own twin brother and best friends. But most of all Bill missed Dana, the missing piece of his body, his heart. He felt it even harder than normal being separated from her, as if it were vital he were near her. She needed him, somehow he could feel it.

He dreamt of her every night of their separation, the same dream over and over again. Him alone in the studio, flicking through unplayed records. It was dark, only one light laminating the surface of the desk in front of him. He was studying the records intently, why he did not know. But it was only a dream, and dreams never really made much sense.

He was having the same one now, that instant. Alone, in the studio. He didn’t hear the noises around him, until the door lock clicked as somebody entered the small room, and Bill looked up, gulping slightly as he saw Dana standing there in a silk nightdress. The top barely covered her breasts, black lace kissing her tanned skin pleasantly, and her shapely thighs. She smiled demurely at him, walking over slowly. Bill, as always, couldn’t help but watch the nightdress move up her legs as she walked closer. No matter how many times he would see her, kiss her, touch her…she was always as amazing to him. He still thanked the stars everyday that she was him, that somebody felt he deserved her.

She pulled him up to her by the collar of his plain white shirt and smiled again, her lips curving seductively. He stared into her eyes as the light as illuminated in them, causing the blue irises to erupt into a thousand stars. He never thought he could fall in love over and over again. But with Dana, he did every time she smiled at him like that.

She kissed them, sensuous and deeply, speaking words of love without speaking at all, she pushed him down onto the ruby red couch behind him, straddling him and kissing his neck. He closed his eyes, inhaling her scent and cherishing her touch on him, her lips grazing his neck.

And as she did every night, she placed his hands onto her stomach, smiling softly as she did so and kissing him again. He could never quite understand this part when he first woke up but as dreams often do when you first awake, he would forget all about it until the next morning but there seemed to be a meaning. There was a desperate look in her eyes, as if to say she needed him, emotionally and he could not be there for her.

It was as she placed his hands on her stomach that her eyes closed and her face contorted into agony. Bill shot up, looking at her as she fell to the ground, blood began to pour form her body, her ears, her mouth even her eyes. He was terrified, not knowing what to do.

Bill fell to the ground, crying out for Dana. This had never happened before. The dream had ended moments before all the other nights. Why did it continue now?

He held her in his arms as she bled, not knowing what to do or wear to turn. He then was horrified to find out he was stuck in the ground, helpless to do anything but hold her and scream for help. Her blood began to coat his own body and with fright he looked down at her as her gaze became blank and her hand fell limp, small drops of blood trailing down her fingers hitting the floor and sparkling in the light that now seemed evil.

Bill began to wail, holding his dead girlfriend and that was when he woke up, still screaming for a fire was burning through his body. He screamed into his pillow, his whole body curling into the foetal position as something ripped his abdomen apart. His hands clutched desperately around his sheets and then his wrist started to burn as if something inside him had snapped. He moaned again, his forehead breaking out into a thin film of sweat. What the hell was going on?

And then as his own scream subsided, he heard it inside his own head, a very female scream reminiscent of his own screams, it echoed inside his eardrums and then he remembered the pale and pained face of Dana as blood leaked from her body, stripping her of life.

The pain faded as abruptly as it had appeared and within minutes Bill was up stripping off his boxers and changing into a tracksuit and dark t-shirt. He hastily raced around his large and lavish hotel room, taking only the essentials.

He growled when there was a frantic knocking on his door, and with several pairs of shoes in his arms he swung the door open. He turned away from David Jost, who was looking haggard in boxer shorts and a grey t-shirt, his dark hair sticking up in all directions. He hurried into the room, taking note of Bill’s suitcases open on the ground.

“Bill, I heard screaming. You frightened the hell out of me, and what’s going on?” Jost’s voice was frightened as if he feared Bill was having a mental or psychotic break down.

Bill looked at him, almost apologetically, “I’m sorry Dave, I have to go home.”

“What? Why Bill? It’s three in the morning, you only have a week left here?”

Bill closed one suitcase, deciding the rest of his clothes and objects could fly home on a later date, “Something’s going on at home Dave, I feel it…I need to get on a plane. Now.”

Jost looked into Bill’s eyes and saw a determination that settled his fears of a break down. If Bill felt he needed to go home, Bill would go home. There were no doubts about it. He nodded slowly, “alright then. You get reception to ring you a taxi, and I’ll call the airport to arrange a flight as soon as possible. There should be one soon. And if not, we’ll make one happen.”

Bill hugged his manager gratefully and ran from the room to the elevator. He clicked his nails impatiently as a taxi was called and couldn’t stop himself from rocking back and forth in worry on the ride to the airport. As he reached the check in desk, his phone began to vibrate in his pocket. Flipping it open, he checked the called ID. It was Tom.

“Tom, what’s going on?”

Tom’s voice was shaky, as if he was holding back tears and that frightened Bill more than anything else. Tom was always the strong one, it was Bill who couldn’t keep his composure in emergencies. “Bill…you have to come home.”

Bill gulped, not wanting a reason why, not yet, not until he was home, “It’s okay Tomi, I’m in the airport. I’ll see you soon…I love you.”

Tom nodded on the other side of the line, staring at the white hospital walls and then realised his brother couldn’t see him, “I love you too Bill. See you soon.”

~

It was the worst flight of Bill’s life. He couldn’t do anything but stare out the window the whole time, wondering what disaster, what life changing tragedy awaited him on the other side of the world.

He walked from the airport to the taxi rank, “Hamburg Hospital please.” Somehow he just knew that’s where he would find them.

He walked to the entrance and then stopped, there was Tom, smoking a cigarette as if it were his last, his face was pale and exhausted from obvious lack of sleep. He looked up, feeling Bill’s gaze and relief lighted up his features and then something else that looked like pity.

“Bill!” He called his baby brother, hugging him tight.

“What is it Tomi? What’s happened?” Bill whispered, holding his big brother for support. Tom pulled back and stared at Bill, “I’m so sorry Bill. She lost it.”

Bill blinked, “What? Lost what?”

Tom’s eyes widened in realization, “you didn’t even know. Bill, Dana was pregnant…but she, she fell.”

Without realising, Bill dropped to the ground as if he had been hit by a brick. Dana had been carrying his child and he didn’t even know.
“She…she lost our baby? My…baby’s dead?”

Tom’s eyes were full of tears, “yeah Bill…I’m sorry. I found her and called the ambulance but it was too late to save them both. In the end, it was only Dana that survived.”

Bill looked at Tom, “Where is she? I have to see her.”

Tom led Bill to Dana’s room, and he found her there, breathing evenly and awake. She seemed fine apart from a single drip in her arm. But there was something else that was worse. A horrible blankness in her eyes, as if she were dead. But she wasn’t, she slowly blinked and a tear ran down her face. She was staring at the plain wall in front of her, as if there was something there.

Bill walked forward, reaching out his hand to clasp Dana’s but she flinched away from him, moving her hand and curling it into the crook of her other arm which was wrapped in a cast, obviously broken. He noticed then, stitches on her head, hidden by her hair. She didn’t even look at him.

“Dana…Dana look at me.” Bill whispered desperately to her but she did not appear to listen.

He tried again, “How do you feel, hungry, thirsty? I can get you something.”

This time she heard him, and she blinked, turning away and lying on her side so her back was to him, “I feel empty,” she whispered to him, “completely and utterly empty.”

Bill watched her a moment as tears began to run down his face. He walked out of the room, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to help her, and not knowing how to begin to mourn the loss of a baby he never knew existed.