Perfect Denial

It didn’t take long for Dana to be admitted out of the hospital and Bill stood by her as she pulled herself out of the bed she had made a safe cocoon for herself. She looked around the room, her eyes blank, and her face shut off. She didn’t want to leave, didn’t want to go back to that house where her baby had died. She shuddered, closing her eyes at the scene at home, where her blood had split, where William had left her.

She followed Bill to his car, and got in without a word. She clutched her bag to her body, the object pressing against her empty wound and a pain ran through her chest, as she was reminded yet again, of what she had lost. The drive home was silent, and when Bill tried to take her hand, she moved her hand away, and looked out the window, shutting herself off from the world around her, too lost in grief.

Everywhere she looked, she was seeing one thing-children. Dana watched with mournful eyes as mothers passed by on the pavements holding their sons and daughters hands. One hugging her baby close to her chest so he could hear her heart beat. In the car next to them, a woman turned around to wipe dribbles of ice-cream from her toddlers chin, and as the car moved forward, the little boy turned to look out the window. His large brown eyes stared curiously into her blue ones, and she gasped at the face of the son she had lost.

Dana closed her eyes, and leaned back in the seat, her arm sporting the cast feeling heavy on her lap. Bill looked across from her, wanting to reach out but knowing she wouldn’t embrace his touch. “You okay baby?” he whispered.

Dana sighed, “just take me home Bill.”

~

Bill opened the door, leading Dana in. She stopped one step into the hallway, looking at the broken banisters of the stairs before shaking her head and making her way up the steps. She walked close to the wall, trailing her hand along the white wall, pressing herself against the surface to get as far away from the scene of the accident. Bill watched her sadly and said nothing. He no longer knew what to do.

That night was the same, Dana didn’t come down from the bedroom, staying silent as always in the bed. Bill checked on her several times, but she didn’t even respond to his voice. Bill returned to the front room, and sat by Tom, feeling alone. The miscarriage had completely broken Dana and Bill had yet to get his head around the fact that he had lost his child.

Tom put his arm around his little brother, sensing the pain and confusion he was in. Bill allowed his protector to embrace him, and after a moment, placed his head on Tom’s chest, seeking comfort from the world that was rapidly falling apart around him.

“I don’t know what to do Tom,” he whispered. “I don’t know how to help her. I don’t know how to feel…I didn’t think it was possible to love a child I never knew I was going to have. How can I mourn it?”

“You have to find a balance Bill, between helping Dana and helping yourself. I don’t understand the situation but fuck, Bill. When I found her, I thought she was dead. And that image is haunting me. I think you should call Mom, and ask her. She’ll know what to do for Dana.”

Bill nodded, getting up and picking up the house phone straight away, “Thanks Tom.”

He dialled the number and before long, Simone answered, “Bill! Tom told me what happened Sweetheart. How are you?”

Tom left the room, giving Bill privacy and Bill sighed, “I don’t know Mama, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help Dana. She won’t speak, she barely even looks at me.”

Simone made noises at the end of the phone, clucking like a mother hen, “Sweetie. The only thing you can do is be there. She lost her baby, your baby too. Mothers love their children before they even exist. She loved that child years ago. She’ll love it years from now. And she’ll never be able to forget the loss but baby, what you need to do is ease it. Let her knew you love her, you’re there for her when she decides her grieving process is over. And you have to grieve too Bill, it was your baby too.”

Bill closed his eyes which were beginning to sting, “I know mom but…I never even knew about it. I didn’t know she was pregnant. How am I suppose to feel about something I never even had the chance to love?”

Simone sighed, “Baby, that’s something you need to find for yourself.”

Bill said goodbye to his mother before hanging up, and going up to the bedroom. He looked at Dana’s sleeping form, and kissed her on the cheek. He would be there for as long as she needed. He be beside her forever.

~

The next day, Bill brought Dana downstairs, and she sat silently on the couch in her bed robe. Bill had meetings with the band, and made his girlfriend her favourite bacon sandwich before he kissed her goodbye. He looked back, wondering if he should leave her. He would only be gone a couple of hours.

Dana didn’t move as Bill closed the door shut behind her. She closed her eyes as the phone began to ring, but still didn’t get up. She was frozen in her place, frozen with loss. She began to rock back and forward then, wrapping her arm around her stomach, willing her baby to come back, to start to grow again. She shook her head against the realisation that he was gone. He had to come back, she needed him. She needed her baby back.

Bill came home two hours later, Tom behind him and stopped as he looked at Dana, sitting in the same place he had left her. He began to shake, he was trying as hard as he could. He didn’t know what else to do, nothing was working. Tom put a hand on his brother’s arm, “Let me talk to her,” he muttered and Bill nodded, leaving the room.

Dana didn’t look at Tom as he sat down beside her, and flinched as he laid a hand down on her shoulder. Tom moved his finger in comforting circles, “Dana, look at me.”

Dana shook her head, but Tom forced her chin around so her eyes met his, “Dana…you’re alive. You don’t know what went through my mind seeing you lying in your own blood. You can’t stay like this Dana. For me, for Bill, especially for yourself.”

Dana started to shake, “You should have saved him Tom. Saved the baby. Saved William! Instead of me…I should have died, not him, not my baby.”

Tom shook his head sadly, “Dana, if you had died, so would the baby. He would’ve have been able to live outside your body. You couldn’t have left Bill on his own like that. You’re leaving him alone now, come back to him.”

Then Dana started to sob, tears running hot down her face, “How can I look at him Tom? It’s my fault William died. It’s my fault for falling. I killed Bill’s baby. I’m a murderer. I killed him, he’s dead because of me.”

Tom shushed her, “No you didn’t. These things happen, and you can grieve but you also need to live Dana. Don’t punish yourself, because it’s not your fault!”

He pulled Dana into a hug, wrapping his arms around her as she sobbed into his shoulder. The door opened and Bill walked into the room. Tom looked at his brother and beckoned him over. Dana raised her head to look at her boyfriend and wailed, throwing herself into his arms, “I’m sorry Bill. I’m sorry!”

Tom left the room, and Bill brought Dana back onto the couch, still wrapped into each other, “Ssh Dana, it’s okay. You didn’t do anything.”

Dana wiped her eyes and looked at Bill, “I was going to tell you. That’s what I was doing before I…before I fell..”

Bill nodded, “I know you would have Dana, and even though I never knew about our baby, I loved it. I realise that now. I loved it and I will always love it.”

Dana smiled slightly, “ I named him William.”

Bill hugged her close, “How do you know it was a boy?”

Dana nuzzled herself into Bill, “I could just feel it. William Kaulitz.”

Bill smiled, “He’ll always be here Dana, with us. Because I’m letting you go nowhere, you hear that? It’s me and you forever.”

Dana giggled, “I know Bill. I’ve always known that.”

They embraced, knowing they would never forget their baby who never got the chance to live. They wouldn’t let the death of William tear them apart but instead it would bring them closer together. Because they were forever.