Blood Soaked Black Rose

Zakky’s POV
I sighed. I didn’t feel right at all. I felt so sick and I just wanted to curl up and die. I finished my shower and went and laid on my bed squeezing my Hello Kitty pillow. I loved Hello Kitty with a passion! She was so adorable. I hoped it was a girl, just because it isn’t a very masculine thing. I wished it was, but the sad messed up truth was that it wasn’t. There was no way I was going to force such a wonderful thing on a boy. Eddie hated Hello Kitty with the same passion that I loved it but put up with my obsession lovingly. I knew what I was doing was unhealthy and that I could lose little Krystal, that’s what I wanted to name it if it was a girl. I hated that I was like this. I hated that when I told my agent, she was shocked. I knew that she told me that I could still model after, but so much was running threw my head. Eddie came in eating a rice crispy.
“Hey.” He muttered.
“Hi babe.” I whispered.
“So…” He sat down on the bed.
“So…”
“What are we going to name it?”
“Krystal…if it’s a girl anyway.” Eddie laughed and nodded. He handed me a blue package that I knew was a rice crispy. I took it and peeled back the wrapping taking a bite. I could do this I thought to myself.
“You’re so skinny…it’s not healthy.” Eddie stroked my hair.
“What if it’s a boy? What do you want to name him?”
“Uh…I like Emery.”
“That’s a nice name.” I said. I looked at myself in the mirror. “So you really think I’m skinny?”
“Of course.” I smiled. I knew that my not eating was a natural ability that I had. I gained the ability when Eddie didn’t want me all those years ago before he was gay, then again when he was going and making out with random people because he said that I was fat and he didn’t want to make out with a fat guy. I pulled myself out before and I could do it again…couldn’t I? I felt so weird. I buried my face in my pillow.
“Zakky?”
“What?”
“I don’t feel good. I feel…”
“The doctor told you that you…”
“No Eddie, it’s different.” I said threw tears. He sat up.
“What’s going on?” I bit my lip and looked at him.
“I-I…Eddie…” I couldn’t finish what I was saying. It hurt to breathe.
“Do you want me to take you to the doctor?”
“It’s S-Saturday.” I whispered.
“So? I’ll take you to the hospital.” I nodded slowly and followed him out to the car. It hurt to move. I laid my head on his shoulder as we drove. I knew that something was really wrong. Why hadn't I overcome anorexia a long time ago? I knew I should never have started, but…
We got to the hospital and the doctor, Linda Chad, took us back. She did a sonogram and looked at me and Eddie cautiously. “I’m sorry Zakkary, Eddie, the baby’s gone.” I felt like someone stabbed my heart. I couldn’t say anything. It was my fault. Eddie let out a sigh and kissed my cheek.
“It’s okay.” He cooed. I knew he was happy. I knew it by the way he bitched for three months about it. I knew it by the smile on his face. I wanted to die. I couldn’t help it. I killed someone. Me. Zakkary Thomas Carson-Mathis. I killed this life that me and Eddie created. I felt the tears begging to fall but brushed them away. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t show how I really felt. That wasn’t me.
“Eddie, will you give Zakkary and I a moment alone.” Eddie nodded.
“I’ll go get a soda. You want something?”
“Uh…I’ll just share with you.” I smiled.
“Okay.” Eddie was gone and Dr. Chad looked at me.
“Zakkary, I respect your decision to not tell your husband of your anorexia because you promised me you’d follow the plan. Are you following the plan?” I sat silently staring a the white floor. “Zakkary?”
“Yeah.” I lied.
“Really? What did you eat today?”
"A rice crispy and, and a, a bowl of cereal and um…um…a sandwich.”
“Zakkary, no you haven’t. Maybe the rice crispy, but not the other stuff. You don’t just forget. Do you even care that you could die? Did you not care that your daughter was in danger?”
“Daughter? It was a girl?”
“Yes.” I felt even worse. “And she’s dead. Are you happy? I know by the way your husband responded that he was, but are you?”
“No.” I whispered.
“Did you want this baby?”
“Yeah…well not at first, but after a week.”
“Then why did you not listen to me and Dr. Queen? You have so much. You are an extremely sexy person. Don’t let someone telling you that you aren’t good enough stop you from getting what you want. Anyone who tells you that is a sick fucking bastard. They don’t deserve you. Your so much more than your appearance. The way you handle stress is phenomenal. So what do you say? Are you going to stop this destructive diet and get healthy so that you can have a happier life and possibly have a baby when the time is right with your husband? Or are you going to continue down this road being unhappy, and set up for failure and hurt? Possibly death? You can get cancer from this honey. Do you understand that? Do you understand that an early, untimely death is not a possibility, but a certainty? And even if you are meant to die in your twenties, why live in such self rejection and hate? Why not love and happiness? What’s your choice?”
“Get better.” I muttered.
“Good. Now do you want to try again at home or go to a facility where they can really help effectively?”
“Home.”
“Okay.” She hugged me. “You may go.” I got up, picked up my hoodie and found Eddie at the snack machine. I wrapped one arm under his arm and the other around his neck.
“Yo. So you sure you don’t want anything?” I looked at the machine.
“Promise I won’t be fat?”
“Promise.” I smiled. “Not anymore.”
“Okay, uh, teddy grams.”
“Teddy grams for my baby.” He bought them and handed the bag to me. I opened it taking one out and nibbling it. Dr. Chad passed with a look of approval. “Ready to go?”
“Yeah.” I followed him out to the car. “Can we stop by Kyler’s dads’ house?”
“Okay.” We pulled up in the driveway and I went to the door. I knew that I could really use the company. Liam and Will were awesome.
“Hey Zakkary.” Liam hugged me.
“Hi Li.”
“What’s up Eden?”
“Nothing.” He muttered. I walked into the living room where Kyler was sitting between Addie and J.D. Kyler looked up at me and noticed there was something wrong.
“Be right back.” He said barely audible as was his normal. He came over to me and pushed me toward his room.
“What’s wrong?” He asked.
“Uh…nothing.”
“Zak…”
“Fine, um, I don’t have to worry about Eddie hating me for some kid we should have never had anymore.”
“What?”
“I lost it. It was a girl.” I brushed a tear that fell down my cheek. “She was going to be perfect. She was going to listen to N’SYNC with me and wear Hello Kitty. She was going to be my little girl. My perfect, smart little girl. She would have medium brown hair and green-blue eyes. Perfect colored eyes. Just like yours. And she would take after me in the openness and acceptance and Eddie in the brains. She’d think like me, never like him. She was going to be perfect no matter what. Just perfect for being my little baby. For just…”

Kyler’s POV
He collapsed into tears. I hugged him. “It’s okay. Remember what you told me when I thought everything was over? After I told you about Jeff? You said not to let the past break the future. Just think that I was better. I could do amazing things. That nothing was lost, only gained. That I could learn from it. I could grow as a person. Grow as me. Be more inspirational. I shouldn’t shed a single tear about it. No matter how much it hurt because that made Jeff win. Not me. Remember? And that kids at school were dicks and the same went for them. And that you would suck them all because they were fuckers? Remember?”
“That’s not going to help Kyler. I’m not giving you advice just so you wouldn’t go shoot up the school or kill Jeff or yourself. It’s something that you couldn’t possibly get.”
“You would never get what it feels like for your own mother to abuse you! You would never get how it felt to be hated! You never would get how I felt when Jeff raped me. Never! You will never understand that pain, but I listened to you.”
“Did it help?” I asked glaring. “Did it stop you from two suicide attempts? Huh? So how is my advice going to help? I just said that shit because you’d listen to me. Not because I believed any of it! And who the hello kitty are you to tell me that I don’t get what it’s like to be hated? My own parents hated me for being me. For being gay. Do you know what that felt like? After thirteen years of them loving me for everything?” I stared at him.
“I didn’t know.”
“Well you’re gonna find there are a lot of homophobes in this world that will hate you. The sooner you learn that, the more you’ll find that you have to be depressed about. Just know that if I ever see you in the hospital on death’s door because of something you did, I will personally make sure you die. Do you understand? Then I’ll kill myself and take Eddie with me because nothing in this fucking world is worth living for. Only you and Eddie, but Eddie couldn’t keep me here. Now that I don’t have a baby, I’m nothing but a fucking, cock sucking fag.”
“What?”
“Sorry, but I had to say it.” He kissed my forehead and left with a smile on his face, his dark eyes twinkling.