Blood Soaked Black Rose

A Few Weeks Later
Eddie’s POV
Zakky was getting therapy three times a week. I hated that hospital now. I hated it more than ever. I never really liked them, They were so clean, so white. It was scary. There was so much death and sickness in there. I took him every time. He hated going. The chemo hurt him. He cried before, during and after. Krystal hated it. She didn’t talk to anyone and hated being near him. She didn’t want to see him in pain. I understood. I hated seeing him in pain too, but I couldn’t stay away. All he wanted me to do was hold him. He didn’t have energy anymore. The radiation zapped his energy. What little was left after his body was trying to destroy the cancer. He just wanted me to hold him and sleep. He didn’t really talk to our kids anymore. He was always in our room and they didn’t go in there. And with good reason. We told them not to because we knew how nobody wanted to see their parents getting it on. I missed that. How he was always so smiley. I missed how he’d joke around. I missed watching him with our three miracles. I wasn’t much of a parent. I never got it down. I could treat them like my friends in high school and I could yell at them when they did something wrong. I wouldn’t let myself near them if there was a possibility of my anger getting to the way it was before. I couldn’t ever hurt them. Not ever. Not the way I used to treat Zakky. It killed me how if I got mad he’d flinch. I hadn't hurt him like that in sixteen years, but he still did. Hadn't done anything since he was in the hospital right after he had Kryssi.

I sat on our bed, my arms wrapped around my husband. He slept silently. I played with his black hair. Only a little had come out so far. I regretted all the times when I told him my favorite thing about him was his hair. I wanted to kill myself for saying that. He’d cry a lot when it came out. He’d ask me if I’d still love him when all of his hair came out. It hurt to hear him think that I only loved him for that. I kissed his cheek and got up. I had to make breakfast. The kids would be getting up soon and they needed food. I took a shower and checked on Zakky. He was still asleep. I stroked his head and a clump of hair came out into my hand. I jumped and bit my lip trying to cry. I threw in the trash can before going to the kitchen. Krystal was already awake watching some show on the channel that she and Kyler and Zakky were obsessed with watching. Kyler sat next to her.

“I love this video. It's really old. I remember watching it when it came out. I was like fifteen.” Kyler was saying.

“Really? I love My Chemical Romance.” She was saying. She was in a pair of Zakky’s old Hello Kitty pj’s. It was weird how they were a little tight on her even though they were big on Zakky when he was 19. It amazed me how skinny he’d been. I hadn't really noticed until I was looking through our photo album. Our wedding picture especially made it obvious how skinny he was. He was wearing the tightest pants I’d ever seen. Kyler couldn’t have fit into those ever. Well, maybe when he was five, but he would have been too short.

“Morning Krys, Kyler.” I hugged Kyler and kissed the top of my daughter’s head.

“Hi Dad.”

“Eddie, is Zakky okay?” Kyler asked. He was so scared. More scared than even Zakky. I knew what could happen if Kyler wasn’t reassured. He didn’t have the positive attitude that Zakky usually had. Zakky was a positive person. The only time he was negative was when he got depressed. Then everything was worse case scenario.

“Yeah. He’s sleeping though.” Kyler nodded and turned his attention back the Famous Last Words video that was playing. I went to the kitchen and started cooking the vegan sausage like things. I didn’t get why it was called vegan sausage. It was sausage really. It was some soy shit put with some other crap. Voila, vegan meat substitute. I hated how Zakky had raised Krystal vegan, but what can you do? She was raised by Zakky and Matthew. They were both vegan. If I’d been around, maybe I could have gotten her to eat meat like the boys. They stopped eating it around five or six. They couldn’t really handle it. Zakky never ate it, so of course they weren’t used to it.

“Eddie?” I looked up and saw Zakky standing in the doorway wrapped in a black hoodie.

“Hm?” I asked hugging him.

“I feel okay.” He smiled.

“Aw, that’s good. You want some orange juice?”

“Yeah.” I poured him a glass and handed it to him. He leaned against the wall sipping it. “You’re making that?” He smiled.

“Oui, oui.”

“Well then merci.”

“Haha. Don’t make fun of my being French.”

"A hundred percent second generation French-American.” He hugged me and hopped on the counter. “So when do you think that I’ll be better? Go into remission?”

“Soon. Hopefully soon.” I said taking the stuff off the pan. Good thing about the whole vegan stuff…it’s fast. It put a few on a plate along with some biscuits and an apple and handed it to him. “Kryssi, Kyler, breakfast.” I said. “Be right back.” I kissed Zakky’s pale cheek and went to wake up the boys. I opened the door and was furious at what I saw. The room was trashed. Food was all over. Emery wasn’t in there. A girl was laying nude next to Aubren. Whore…I walked out before I flipped.

“What’s wrong babe?” Zakky asked and as I stormed into the kitchen. I saw Emery coming out of the guest bedroom.

“Did you know about the whore in your room?” I asked. He looked at me confused.

“No. Aubren told me that he wanted me to sleep in the guest room because he was feeling sick.”

“Oh, sick in the mind.” I shouted. “And was your room trashed and unsanitary?”

“No. It was clean. I like things clean remember.”

“Baby, calm down.” Zakky said grabbing my arm. I threw my arm back causing him to stumble against the counter.

“Fuck…I’m sorry Zakky.” I said hugging him. He looked down then back at me.

“No, you need to fucking control your anger.” He whispered taking his food to our room. Krystal’s eyes were glued to her plate. Kyler was shaking in the corner whispering to himself.

“No…Mommy, please…no….”

Emery was backed into a corner. “Can I get some food?” He asked. I nodded going to our room. Zakky was sitting on the edge of the bed with tears coming down fast. He was shaking too.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered sitting next to him.

“So? Sorry doesn’t make up for the fact that my back in bruised and going to stay like that for a long time. Sorry doesn’t help that Emery again, took the fall because Aubren did something that made you mad. He can’t help that he’s his identical twin. He can’t. Sorry doesn’t undo Kyler’s memories haunting him. I can’t stop that. Sorry doesn’t do shit. It's a word Eddie. I love you. I know that you were mad, but don’t take it out on me or Emery.” I wrapped my arms around him.

“I’m just under a lot of stress. You know I would never hurt your or the kids or Kyler on purpose. Not now. Not after I changed.”

“You think that means something? I’m the one that has leukemia Eddie. Not you.”

“But do you think I want to lose you?”

“You’re not going to. They can cure it.”

“But I still think about it.”

“Then I’ll tell you what Kyler always told me. Death comes to everyone. Quote The Academy Is…”Am I gonna die? Well son, death is gonna catch up to all of us someday.”

“Yeah and the next line is, “Yours is coming quicker than ours.” He looked at me.

“You want to know what you really should be afraid of? Life. That shit’s scary. All the pain. It's hard. Death…now that’s not painful. It’s easy to die. It’s not easy to live. It hurts worse to live.”

“You don’t know what it feels like to die.” I told him.

“But the pain now is so much.” He started to cry again. “Everything is worse when you’re alive. You have to deal with all this pain. All this hate. Why is there hate? Mattie said that hate was like a disease. It spreads so fast and before you know it, the whole world’s infected.”

“Who gives a fuck about Matthew fucking Lush? I don’t. He needs to stay away from you and my kids!”

“You want to know something? Huh Eddie? Krystal thought he was her dad for a long time. And to tell you the truth, I’m not a hundred percent sure that Emery and Aubren are your kids. They might be his. Krystal sure thinks so.”

“She’s sixteen. What does she know?”

“A lot more than you think.” He got up and left. I knew that was always a possibility, but I love those two so much. How could they be that fucking goody two shoes’ kids? I had to know for sure. I knew that if they were his, I was leaving. Everyone would be happier that way.