Blood Soaked Black Rose
The *** Of My Innocence
“I won’t do anything like that. I promise.” I hugged him. He brushed away his tears and smiled at me.
“So you and J.D. still together?”
“Uh huh.” I said.
“Nice. I think you guys are great together.” I nodded thinking about everything. J.D. said so much that made sense and without knowing, hurt me badly. He didn’t know what it was like to be raped. I wished I knew someone, not because I wanted someone to experience my pain, but to relate to them, to not feel so alone. J.D. told me he’d show me that it wasn’t so bad when it wasn’t sex, but making love. He told me, promised me. I was scared though. How did he know? Had he been raped before? No…he told me he hadn't.
Zakky and I went back into the living room. Addie stood up and hugged me. “Gotta go.”
“See ya.” I said. J.D. pulled me into his lap and wrapped his arms around me. I laid my head on his shoulder, my hands resting on my legs. He randomly kissed my neck or cheek. I liked just cuddling with him, sure we did it all the time, even before we were together, but I liked it. Though it was different before when we weren’t dating. He never kissed me without my consent. I had to make the first move when we made out. Zakky and Eddie left too. My parents went to the kitchen leaving me and J.D. alone.
“Can we go to your room?” He asked.
“Sure.” I got up and allowed him to lead me to my room. He laid me on my bed and turned on my Hawthorne Heights album. He came back and laid on top of my supporting himself with his arms.
“You’re so beautiful.” He whispered kissing my lips softly. I didn’t say anything. I hated talking. I hated it. Nobody really wanted to listen to what I had to say. We were in a great makeout session, when I felt his hands trying to unbuckle my belt. I turned my head and pushed his hands away.
“No J.”
“Come on…” He smirked adorable and kissed my cheek going back to my belt. I pushed him off me and stood up hugging myself trembling. “Sorry.” He said looking ashamed.
“Uh…I think, I think you should go.” I whispered not looking at him.
“Ky…” I felt the tears rushing back to my eyes. All I could think of was Jeff raping me. Jeff…it was enough to make me sink to the floor tears spilling out of my eyes. It wasn’t J.D. It was Jeff. I hated that he hurt me. I hated that I even when I was ready to love J.D. in that way, I wouldn’t be able to. What if I spent my entire life with him and would never go past making out? J.D. wrapped his arms around me. I pushed him away from me.
“Just go please, just…” I trailed off after he wrapped his arms around me again. I allowed him to console me.
“I’m sorry.” He said.
“No, it’s Jeff…everything…”
“What happened? I know about him raping you once, but…”
“No, no it wasn’t once…J.D., I haven’t been a virgin since I was four years old. He raped me since I was four fucking years old…and he ruined me. My life. I’m sorry. It’s not you…it’s me…and I know that that sounds like a cheap breakup line, but I’m not breaking up with you.”
“Four?” He gasped. I nodded wiping my eyes with my sleeve not caring whether I smeared my makeup or not. “I’m sorry baby. Hey, I should go, but um, I’ll call you okay?” I nodded and watched him leave. Dammit Jeff…bitch. I was glad he was dead.
A Week Later
Kyler’s POV
Dad had dropped me off at my shrink’s office. I rocked myself trying to console my nerves. “Kyler?” The nurse called. I got up slowly and she smiled at me taking me to the room that the psychiatrist was in.
“Hello Kyler.” He said. I forced a small smile at him. “Please have a seat.” I sat down and stared at my shoes. “So how are you doing this week?”
“Uh…same.”
“What do you mean?”
“I still hate myself and life and everything.”
“Do you want me to help you trace the source of your pain?”
“I know what it is.” I muttered.
“Kyler I can barely understand you. Please look in my eyes so I can help.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Help you. Help you overcome this. Please, just don’t look at your shoes.” I raised my eyes to the desk. “Thank you. Now let’s talk about your childhood.”
“I don’t want to.” I whispered closing my eyes.
“Okay, your mother.” I shook my head. “Thomas?” I shook my head. “Zakky?”
“Uh, he’s Zakky. Not much to say. I love him and he’s great.”
“Jeff?” I froze. “Kyler?”
“Is time over yet?”
“You have forty-five minutes left.” I sighed. “What did he do to you?”
"He hurt me…worse than anyone.”
“How did he hurt you?”
“He…He…My mom was dating him starting when I was two. He met me then and was always saying I was so cute. He…He’d touch me and make me touch him. He’d make me do things and tell me my mom and Thomas and Zakky and my real dad could never love someone like me. He told me I was a filthy, dirty, no longer innocent baby. Who could love someone like that? Then when I was four…” Tears welled in my eyes, but I couldn’t stop. I wanted to tell someone. I needed to tell someone, anyone and that was Dr. Xander’s job. He couldn’t leave or stop me or tell me I couldn’t say things like that. He had to and he couldn’t tell anyone. Some how it gave me strength to keep going. “I was four, my birthday. My mom said that Jeff was going to give me a new surprise and I would get the same present every year from him.” I stopped.
“And what was that?” Dr. Xander asked quietly. He had been my shrink for two years and I never talked about anything. I didn’t feel right getting my mom and Jeff put in jail. I knew it would hurt me and them. I couldn’t. Now I could. They were dead…murdered. I was quiet for another ten minutes just sobbing. “Kyler?” I looked up and he was kneeling in front of me.
“Um…he took me to my room. He said, “This will be fun.” He set up a video camera and took off my clothes making sure to touch me so that it hurt like it always did.” I stopped again not really sure I wanted to continue.
“How’d he touch you?” I looked at Dr. Xander.
“He’d…run his hands all over my body, and then he’d squeeze my…my um…” I gestured not knowing the right words to say it. “It would hurt. He’d finger me and…and that hurt more.”
“Go on.”
“Well…he put me on my bed and made me lay with my legs apart so the camera could get everything…um…then he got in front of the camera. He said this is my girlfriend’s son, Kyler Andrews. He’s a whore you know. Four, a virgin…and I’m about to kill his innocence before your very eyes…” I hugged my knees unable to do anything as the fear swam over me. “I was so scared. He crawled on the bed and frenched me. I gagged and he hit me. He made me unbutton his shirt and take it off…then….then he made me lick his chest…and give him a hickie on his neck. He made me take off the rest of his clothes. He made me suck on his thing and yeah…he um…he made me fuck his with my tongue…and then I had to fuck him the normal way…it hurt. He then looked at the camera pulling me in his lap. He hugged me. He said, “isn’t he beautiful?” Then he, he, he…” I buried my head in my arms as the pain came back.
“He what?”
“He picked up and slammed me down on it and it went in me. I screamed and cried and begged him to stop. He didn’t. He went on for twenty minutes then stopped. I couldn’t talk because my voice was too hoarse. I just sat with him in me as he looked at the camera. “And he’s your sex toy for just 350 dollars.” I finished. I sat there sobbing. Dr. Xander offered a comforting hand and rubbed my back.
“What was the video for?” He asked when I was quiet.
“He put it on the internet. Child porn. He sold me to a lot of guys. He raped me and all these guys rapped me. And the older I got, the less guys wanted to buy me, but still at least ten guys a night. This made Jeff mad so he always raped me. Always.”
“How long did that last?”
“From the age of four until thirteen, but Jeff raped me one last time before…a week before I attempted suicide the last time.”
“I know this is just adding to your problems, but Kyler, have you ever gotten an STD screening?” I stared at him.
“No.” I whispered.
“The chances are, you’re probably contaminated with at least one. I wouldn’t put it past you having HIV or AIDS.”
“I can’t.” I whispered. “It’s not my fault.”
“I’m sorry this happened to you. I have a group for rape victims and victims of child pornography. Here’s the information if you’re interested. Time’s up, but if you go with the nurse, she’ll take you to get screened. I nodded and opened the door. I saw Will looking glumly at me. He came over and hugged me as we walked to the lab. I sat in a chair and they took some blood samples.
“If you wait, we’ll have the results.” We nodded and I laid against Will crying silently, praying that I was okay. Will ran fingers threw my hair. I pushed his hand away. I didn’t want anyone touching me. I just wanted to lay here with my stepfather. The nurse came back and smiled at me. “You’re all clean.” I let out my breath which I realized I was holding.
“Thanks.” Will said.
“Anytime.” Then we went home.
“So you and J.D. still together?”
“Uh huh.” I said.
“Nice. I think you guys are great together.” I nodded thinking about everything. J.D. said so much that made sense and without knowing, hurt me badly. He didn’t know what it was like to be raped. I wished I knew someone, not because I wanted someone to experience my pain, but to relate to them, to not feel so alone. J.D. told me he’d show me that it wasn’t so bad when it wasn’t sex, but making love. He told me, promised me. I was scared though. How did he know? Had he been raped before? No…he told me he hadn't.
Zakky and I went back into the living room. Addie stood up and hugged me. “Gotta go.”
“See ya.” I said. J.D. pulled me into his lap and wrapped his arms around me. I laid my head on his shoulder, my hands resting on my legs. He randomly kissed my neck or cheek. I liked just cuddling with him, sure we did it all the time, even before we were together, but I liked it. Though it was different before when we weren’t dating. He never kissed me without my consent. I had to make the first move when we made out. Zakky and Eddie left too. My parents went to the kitchen leaving me and J.D. alone.
“Can we go to your room?” He asked.
“Sure.” I got up and allowed him to lead me to my room. He laid me on my bed and turned on my Hawthorne Heights album. He came back and laid on top of my supporting himself with his arms.
“You’re so beautiful.” He whispered kissing my lips softly. I didn’t say anything. I hated talking. I hated it. Nobody really wanted to listen to what I had to say. We were in a great makeout session, when I felt his hands trying to unbuckle my belt. I turned my head and pushed his hands away.
“No J.”
“Come on…” He smirked adorable and kissed my cheek going back to my belt. I pushed him off me and stood up hugging myself trembling. “Sorry.” He said looking ashamed.
“Uh…I think, I think you should go.” I whispered not looking at him.
“Ky…” I felt the tears rushing back to my eyes. All I could think of was Jeff raping me. Jeff…it was enough to make me sink to the floor tears spilling out of my eyes. It wasn’t J.D. It was Jeff. I hated that he hurt me. I hated that I even when I was ready to love J.D. in that way, I wouldn’t be able to. What if I spent my entire life with him and would never go past making out? J.D. wrapped his arms around me. I pushed him away from me.
“Just go please, just…” I trailed off after he wrapped his arms around me again. I allowed him to console me.
“I’m sorry.” He said.
“No, it’s Jeff…everything…”
“What happened? I know about him raping you once, but…”
“No, no it wasn’t once…J.D., I haven’t been a virgin since I was four years old. He raped me since I was four fucking years old…and he ruined me. My life. I’m sorry. It’s not you…it’s me…and I know that that sounds like a cheap breakup line, but I’m not breaking up with you.”
“Four?” He gasped. I nodded wiping my eyes with my sleeve not caring whether I smeared my makeup or not. “I’m sorry baby. Hey, I should go, but um, I’ll call you okay?” I nodded and watched him leave. Dammit Jeff…bitch. I was glad he was dead.
A Week Later
Kyler’s POV
Dad had dropped me off at my shrink’s office. I rocked myself trying to console my nerves. “Kyler?” The nurse called. I got up slowly and she smiled at me taking me to the room that the psychiatrist was in.
“Hello Kyler.” He said. I forced a small smile at him. “Please have a seat.” I sat down and stared at my shoes. “So how are you doing this week?”
“Uh…same.”
“What do you mean?”
“I still hate myself and life and everything.”
“Do you want me to help you trace the source of your pain?”
“I know what it is.” I muttered.
“Kyler I can barely understand you. Please look in my eyes so I can help.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Help you. Help you overcome this. Please, just don’t look at your shoes.” I raised my eyes to the desk. “Thank you. Now let’s talk about your childhood.”
“I don’t want to.” I whispered closing my eyes.
“Okay, your mother.” I shook my head. “Thomas?” I shook my head. “Zakky?”
“Uh, he’s Zakky. Not much to say. I love him and he’s great.”
“Jeff?” I froze. “Kyler?”
“Is time over yet?”
“You have forty-five minutes left.” I sighed. “What did he do to you?”
"He hurt me…worse than anyone.”
“How did he hurt you?”
“He…He…My mom was dating him starting when I was two. He met me then and was always saying I was so cute. He…He’d touch me and make me touch him. He’d make me do things and tell me my mom and Thomas and Zakky and my real dad could never love someone like me. He told me I was a filthy, dirty, no longer innocent baby. Who could love someone like that? Then when I was four…” Tears welled in my eyes, but I couldn’t stop. I wanted to tell someone. I needed to tell someone, anyone and that was Dr. Xander’s job. He couldn’t leave or stop me or tell me I couldn’t say things like that. He had to and he couldn’t tell anyone. Some how it gave me strength to keep going. “I was four, my birthday. My mom said that Jeff was going to give me a new surprise and I would get the same present every year from him.” I stopped.
“And what was that?” Dr. Xander asked quietly. He had been my shrink for two years and I never talked about anything. I didn’t feel right getting my mom and Jeff put in jail. I knew it would hurt me and them. I couldn’t. Now I could. They were dead…murdered. I was quiet for another ten minutes just sobbing. “Kyler?” I looked up and he was kneeling in front of me.
“Um…he took me to my room. He said, “This will be fun.” He set up a video camera and took off my clothes making sure to touch me so that it hurt like it always did.” I stopped again not really sure I wanted to continue.
“How’d he touch you?” I looked at Dr. Xander.
“He’d…run his hands all over my body, and then he’d squeeze my…my um…” I gestured not knowing the right words to say it. “It would hurt. He’d finger me and…and that hurt more.”
“Go on.”
“Well…he put me on my bed and made me lay with my legs apart so the camera could get everything…um…then he got in front of the camera. He said this is my girlfriend’s son, Kyler Andrews. He’s a whore you know. Four, a virgin…and I’m about to kill his innocence before your very eyes…” I hugged my knees unable to do anything as the fear swam over me. “I was so scared. He crawled on the bed and frenched me. I gagged and he hit me. He made me unbutton his shirt and take it off…then….then he made me lick his chest…and give him a hickie on his neck. He made me take off the rest of his clothes. He made me suck on his thing and yeah…he um…he made me fuck his with my tongue…and then I had to fuck him the normal way…it hurt. He then looked at the camera pulling me in his lap. He hugged me. He said, “isn’t he beautiful?” Then he, he, he…” I buried my head in my arms as the pain came back.
“He what?”
“He picked up and slammed me down on it and it went in me. I screamed and cried and begged him to stop. He didn’t. He went on for twenty minutes then stopped. I couldn’t talk because my voice was too hoarse. I just sat with him in me as he looked at the camera. “And he’s your sex toy for just 350 dollars.” I finished. I sat there sobbing. Dr. Xander offered a comforting hand and rubbed my back.
“What was the video for?” He asked when I was quiet.
“He put it on the internet. Child porn. He sold me to a lot of guys. He raped me and all these guys rapped me. And the older I got, the less guys wanted to buy me, but still at least ten guys a night. This made Jeff mad so he always raped me. Always.”
“How long did that last?”
“From the age of four until thirteen, but Jeff raped me one last time before…a week before I attempted suicide the last time.”
“I know this is just adding to your problems, but Kyler, have you ever gotten an STD screening?” I stared at him.
“No.” I whispered.
“The chances are, you’re probably contaminated with at least one. I wouldn’t put it past you having HIV or AIDS.”
“I can’t.” I whispered. “It’s not my fault.”
“I’m sorry this happened to you. I have a group for rape victims and victims of child pornography. Here’s the information if you’re interested. Time’s up, but if you go with the nurse, she’ll take you to get screened. I nodded and opened the door. I saw Will looking glumly at me. He came over and hugged me as we walked to the lab. I sat in a chair and they took some blood samples.
“If you wait, we’ll have the results.” We nodded and I laid against Will crying silently, praying that I was okay. Will ran fingers threw my hair. I pushed his hand away. I didn’t want anyone touching me. I just wanted to lay here with my stepfather. The nurse came back and smiled at me. “You’re all clean.” I let out my breath which I realized I was holding.
“Thanks.” Will said.
“Anytime.” Then we went home.