Blood Soaked Black Rose
Back Where I Started
[a/n J.D,’s name is now going to be spelt Jaidee cuz it’s cooler way to spell it and the other way’s starting to annoy me. lolz. but anyways here you go]
Kyler’s POV
“How could you?” I sobbed into Jaidee’s chest. I had just walked in on him and Aaron Black in the middle of the nasty. I wanted to scream my lungs out. I wanted to run away, but I was also thankful that I finally had a real emotion. The first real emotion since I got out of the hospital.
“I’m sorry, but I have needs. You didn’t want me to do that with you because you can’t fucking get Jeff out of your mind. I’m sorry.” I glanced over at Aaron who had the most confused look on his face ever.
“Wait, Jaidee, I’m confused. You said that he was just your best friend.”
“Well…I’m kinda…he is.”
“You didn’t tell him you were my boyfriend?”
“Uh…actually, I…I told you didn’t I? I told you I wanted things back to the way they used to be?”
“No. Actually you told me that you were in love with me. Like a few days ago. Do you remember? We were making out and you said that you were in love with me. Or did falling out of the tree in my dad’s yard really make you loose your memory?”
“Dude, listen, I’m so sorry. I had no idea he was your boyfriend. I didn’t even know you were…were capable of it…uh…sorry.” I knew he was like everyone else. Afraid that I might go psycho and kill him. Just because I was schizophrenic, didn’t mean I was going to kill people. I spent four days in a mental hospital and they let me out because since I only posed a threat of danger to myself and Liam and Will promised to keep tabs on me. I looked back at my best friend. The guy that I had been best friends with since we were two years old. The kid who always stood up for me. The person I told everything to. The person that helped me through everything.
“Don’t worry Aaron, I don’t hate you. Jaidee…um, I just want you to be happy.”
“I want to be with Aaron.” He said.
“Then that’s who you should be with.”
“Hey, Kyler, wait.” I looked at him again. “I really was in love with you.”
”Yeah, before you figured out that I’m a nutjob. A basketcase. Before…” I just shook my head and left.
I found myself at Addie’s front door. I loved Emily so much. I was so happy she was actually my daughter. Addie’s mother opened the door. “Oh…hello.” Mrs. Murray never really liked Jaidee or me. Jaidee because he was gay and me because she knew who my mother was and didn’t like her little girl hanging around a porn star’s screwed up son. She had actually warmed up to Jaidee since Jaidee was such a kind person. “What do you want?”
“Is Addie here?”
“Yeah, come in.”
“Addie, your schizo friend is here.” Addie came in the room carrying Emily.
“Mom.” She said in a warning tone.
“What? He gets you pregnant and you expect me to be nice to him?”
”Yes and Mom I already explained to you that he had nothing to do with the sex. It was all me. I explained everything to you.”
“Yeah after letting me think for eleven months that Sean was really Emily’s father.” I chewed on my lip waiting for her mother to leave us alone. Finally she did. Addie looked at me.
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Emily reached for me and I took her. “Hey Em.” I smiled.
“I love you Daddy.” She smiled. I loved her so much. She was only thirteen months old, but she was the cutest, smartest baby ever.
“I love you too.” She reached down a I put her on the ground. Addie looked at me.
“Happy sweet 16.” She smiled.
“Don’t remind me.”
”What?”
”I told you and everyone else I didn’t want to be alive to be sixteen.”
”Honey, I thought you were over this.”
“I’m not. I’m farther in. My brother is fucking having the worst time and I don’t know what to do. I can’t make him happy. I miss the old Zakky. The one that I could go to for advice and shit. Now every time I see him he’s crying from being so exhausted. And my dad, yeah he's drinking and doing drugs and shit and Will can’t do anything about it, so I’m kinda back to where I came from, only this time it’s worse. And Will tries to help unlike Thomas who stood around and let it happen. And you want to know why he relapsed? Because he was set on having a perfect son. All he got was one that was screwed up and you know in the beginning he was like, hm, I can help, but now it’s medical. And to make things even better, Jaidee’s cheating on me. I found him in bed with Aaron. He dumped me. We’re still friends, but this was so much of a help to my fucked up psyche. I miss how everything used to be.” I whispered the last part. Addie hugged me.
“You mean…Liam is…”
”Beating me…yeah.” I brushed a tear off my cheek. “Will’s trying to get me to be able to go live with Jaidee and I know it’s killing him because me and Will are like fucking close as hell. And he’s trying to get Liam help. I don’t even know if it’s going to work.”
“I’m so sorry. I hope things turn out okay. I’m sure they will.” I nodded. I was kinda glad that the pain was back though. That’s what I was used to. That was my vice. That was my way out of my head. With Will trying to sort things out, I haven’t had people breathing down my neck about the pills or self harming and I was happily back in my world of cutting…my only hope for control over my shitty life. I couldn’t even hope for a better life that I desperately clung to when I lived with me mom and Jeff because now I was insane. Legally I couldn’t do anything. I was worse off than a mentally handicapped because even they could go to a university and get jobs and shit. I wasn’t. I was schizophrenic and in the eyes of the law, I was a danger that should be locked in a prison that they call a mental institute. They think that they are fooling people. They say that they are asylums. Too bad they’re not. Asylums are places you go to be safe. Those places weren’t. They studied you and called it therapy. They shove pills down your throat and call it medicine. You aren’t allowed to be who you want. You have to wear the same white clothes. You weren’t allowed anything but what they supplied you and you barely get to see you family. I spent a few months out of my whole life in places like that, only the majority of it was because it was a precaution. I had to go because I was so depressed. I had to go because some fucktard said that I had to.
“Are you back to old habits?”
“Crying and listening to music all the time? Writing lyrics and just randomly playing guitar? Not talking to anyone? After I finish this sentence all the above would be a yes.” I hugged her and left.
I was supposed to be home half an hour ago for dinner. I got home ten minutes later. Will stared at me and motioned for me to go through my bedroom window. I hated how I had to sneak around. I turned to go back out the door when my dad spotted me. “Where do you think your going?” He slurred. I swallowed and stood there. I looked over at Will who came over.
“Liam, look for one second at what you’re about to do.” Will said grabbing Liam firmly. Liam pushed him and Will fell, hitting his head. He was unconscious. I was trembling glued to the spot by my feet. Liam smiled at me and started beating me. It was worse than my mother and Jeff used to do. They at least hugged me in the end. Liam just kicked me one more time before passing out on the couch. I made my way to my room and locked the door. I curled up on my bed and sobbed myself to sleep.
When I woke up the next morning, my body ached from what happened last night. I slowly got some clothes and went to the shower. I was sitting on my bed when Will knocked on the door. I opened it and he handed me a few pills and a cup of water.
“I’m so sorry you’re back in this. I…I’m horrible at this aren’t I?”
“No.” I whispered swallowing the pills obediently. “He does.” I hugged him. He smiled at me and hugged be back. I told him I was going to Zakky’s and left into the warm air.
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Kyler’s POV
“How could you?” I sobbed into Jaidee’s chest. I had just walked in on him and Aaron Black in the middle of the nasty. I wanted to scream my lungs out. I wanted to run away, but I was also thankful that I finally had a real emotion. The first real emotion since I got out of the hospital.
“I’m sorry, but I have needs. You didn’t want me to do that with you because you can’t fucking get Jeff out of your mind. I’m sorry.” I glanced over at Aaron who had the most confused look on his face ever.
“Wait, Jaidee, I’m confused. You said that he was just your best friend.”
“Well…I’m kinda…he is.”
“You didn’t tell him you were my boyfriend?”
“Uh…actually, I…I told you didn’t I? I told you I wanted things back to the way they used to be?”
“No. Actually you told me that you were in love with me. Like a few days ago. Do you remember? We were making out and you said that you were in love with me. Or did falling out of the tree in my dad’s yard really make you loose your memory?”
“Dude, listen, I’m so sorry. I had no idea he was your boyfriend. I didn’t even know you were…were capable of it…uh…sorry.” I knew he was like everyone else. Afraid that I might go psycho and kill him. Just because I was schizophrenic, didn’t mean I was going to kill people. I spent four days in a mental hospital and they let me out because since I only posed a threat of danger to myself and Liam and Will promised to keep tabs on me. I looked back at my best friend. The guy that I had been best friends with since we were two years old. The kid who always stood up for me. The person I told everything to. The person that helped me through everything.
“Don’t worry Aaron, I don’t hate you. Jaidee…um, I just want you to be happy.”
“I want to be with Aaron.” He said.
“Then that’s who you should be with.”
“Hey, Kyler, wait.” I looked at him again. “I really was in love with you.”
”Yeah, before you figured out that I’m a nutjob. A basketcase. Before…” I just shook my head and left.
I found myself at Addie’s front door. I loved Emily so much. I was so happy she was actually my daughter. Addie’s mother opened the door. “Oh…hello.” Mrs. Murray never really liked Jaidee or me. Jaidee because he was gay and me because she knew who my mother was and didn’t like her little girl hanging around a porn star’s screwed up son. She had actually warmed up to Jaidee since Jaidee was such a kind person. “What do you want?”
“Is Addie here?”
“Yeah, come in.”
“Addie, your schizo friend is here.” Addie came in the room carrying Emily.
“Mom.” She said in a warning tone.
“What? He gets you pregnant and you expect me to be nice to him?”
”Yes and Mom I already explained to you that he had nothing to do with the sex. It was all me. I explained everything to you.”
“Yeah after letting me think for eleven months that Sean was really Emily’s father.” I chewed on my lip waiting for her mother to leave us alone. Finally she did. Addie looked at me.
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Emily reached for me and I took her. “Hey Em.” I smiled.
“I love you Daddy.” She smiled. I loved her so much. She was only thirteen months old, but she was the cutest, smartest baby ever.
“I love you too.” She reached down a I put her on the ground. Addie looked at me.
“Happy sweet 16.” She smiled.
“Don’t remind me.”
”What?”
”I told you and everyone else I didn’t want to be alive to be sixteen.”
”Honey, I thought you were over this.”
“I’m not. I’m farther in. My brother is fucking having the worst time and I don’t know what to do. I can’t make him happy. I miss the old Zakky. The one that I could go to for advice and shit. Now every time I see him he’s crying from being so exhausted. And my dad, yeah he's drinking and doing drugs and shit and Will can’t do anything about it, so I’m kinda back to where I came from, only this time it’s worse. And Will tries to help unlike Thomas who stood around and let it happen. And you want to know why he relapsed? Because he was set on having a perfect son. All he got was one that was screwed up and you know in the beginning he was like, hm, I can help, but now it’s medical. And to make things even better, Jaidee’s cheating on me. I found him in bed with Aaron. He dumped me. We’re still friends, but this was so much of a help to my fucked up psyche. I miss how everything used to be.” I whispered the last part. Addie hugged me.
“You mean…Liam is…”
”Beating me…yeah.” I brushed a tear off my cheek. “Will’s trying to get me to be able to go live with Jaidee and I know it’s killing him because me and Will are like fucking close as hell. And he’s trying to get Liam help. I don’t even know if it’s going to work.”
“I’m so sorry. I hope things turn out okay. I’m sure they will.” I nodded. I was kinda glad that the pain was back though. That’s what I was used to. That was my vice. That was my way out of my head. With Will trying to sort things out, I haven’t had people breathing down my neck about the pills or self harming and I was happily back in my world of cutting…my only hope for control over my shitty life. I couldn’t even hope for a better life that I desperately clung to when I lived with me mom and Jeff because now I was insane. Legally I couldn’t do anything. I was worse off than a mentally handicapped because even they could go to a university and get jobs and shit. I wasn’t. I was schizophrenic and in the eyes of the law, I was a danger that should be locked in a prison that they call a mental institute. They think that they are fooling people. They say that they are asylums. Too bad they’re not. Asylums are places you go to be safe. Those places weren’t. They studied you and called it therapy. They shove pills down your throat and call it medicine. You aren’t allowed to be who you want. You have to wear the same white clothes. You weren’t allowed anything but what they supplied you and you barely get to see you family. I spent a few months out of my whole life in places like that, only the majority of it was because it was a precaution. I had to go because I was so depressed. I had to go because some fucktard said that I had to.
“Are you back to old habits?”
“Crying and listening to music all the time? Writing lyrics and just randomly playing guitar? Not talking to anyone? After I finish this sentence all the above would be a yes.” I hugged her and left.
I was supposed to be home half an hour ago for dinner. I got home ten minutes later. Will stared at me and motioned for me to go through my bedroom window. I hated how I had to sneak around. I turned to go back out the door when my dad spotted me. “Where do you think your going?” He slurred. I swallowed and stood there. I looked over at Will who came over.
“Liam, look for one second at what you’re about to do.” Will said grabbing Liam firmly. Liam pushed him and Will fell, hitting his head. He was unconscious. I was trembling glued to the spot by my feet. Liam smiled at me and started beating me. It was worse than my mother and Jeff used to do. They at least hugged me in the end. Liam just kicked me one more time before passing out on the couch. I made my way to my room and locked the door. I curled up on my bed and sobbed myself to sleep.
When I woke up the next morning, my body ached from what happened last night. I slowly got some clothes and went to the shower. I was sitting on my bed when Will knocked on the door. I opened it and he handed me a few pills and a cup of water.
“I’m so sorry you’re back in this. I…I’m horrible at this aren’t I?”
“No.” I whispered swallowing the pills obediently. “He does.” I hugged him. He smiled at me and hugged be back. I told him I was going to Zakky’s and left into the warm air.
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