Remembering Sunday

Warm rays of light poked through the curtains and onto my face, heating up my skin and causing me to open my eyes.

The living room was brightly lit by the natural sunlight, but it wasn't beautiful to me. My vision was colorful as always, naturally, but to me everything in the world had turned to gray. Depression weighed down on my shoulders, caging me in the little ball I was curled into on the couch. There was an afghan spread out on top of me, and I didn't remember pulling it off the rack. I assumed Seth had done it, no matter how sour he had been with me all over our love life. I looked at the clock on the DVD player; it read nine-thirty. I was sure all of yesterday had merely been a dream, every single part of it.

Of course, miracles tended to stay away from me.

I was pregnant. Seth was mad at me. I had spiraled into a depressed state. Seth didn't know.

I sat up uneasily, my head aching and my stomach churning with morning sickness. I sighed, not really gaining much sleep last night. The whole night, I would wake, lay around and stare at the dark ceiling, fall back asleep, and repeat. At first I'd started the night off in the bed, but I couldn't fall asleep there and I became uncomfortable knowing that our baby had been conceived there. Therefore, I made my way out to the couch, watched TV, and dozed off. I hadn't heard Seth come home, but he must've been the one to cover me with the afghan and turn the TV off.

Shit. My stomach whipped upside down like a roller coaster, and I instantly darted up and ran for the bathroom. Ugh. How many more months must I endure this? I slammed the door closed behind me, the tears coming out of my eyes before it had even come up. I waited over the toilet, and finally I purged until my stomach settled. I pulled the lid down, the hysterics returning from last night, as I flushed the toilet.

I stood up and stared at my dead-looking reflection in the mirror. My eyes were still red and puffy from last night's crying, and my cheeks felt sticky from the current tears. The stiffness from the dried tears was still there all because of my hysterics that lasted hours into the night. Just another reason I had gotten close to no sleep. I removed a Kleenex from the box, wiped away all the tears, and moved onto brushing my teeth. Light footsteps came from outside the door, then faded into the living room. Seth. Had I woken him?

After finishing with my teeth, I left the bathroom and made my way for my haven, the couch. Seth was standing in the kitchen, the fridge door open and shielding his face from me. Frowning, I turned to the couch and laid down, burying my face into a pillow to hide my puffy eyes. The fridge door closed, and I lifted my head just a bit to watch Seth. He sat at the tiny table we had in the kitchen with a yogurt and a water bottle, his attention focused down on the table as he shoved a spoonful of yogurt into his mouth. Ugh. That yogurt. I cringed and buried my face back into the pillow, the sight of that food making my stomach gurgle and twist. I groaned quietly, just wanting to let all the hysterics over the sickness and the pregnancy out. However, I just couldn't do that.

My stomach twisted up again, and I jumped back up and ran into the bathroom for the second time that morning. The door slammed, and the horrible purging began once more. The sound of Seth's feet against the carpet came toward the door, this time much harder and louder.

"Laura?" he asked though the door. "Are you alright?"

At least I could be honest with him about that.

"No," I coughed, my head still slung over the toilet as it continued. Seth moved away from the door by the sound of his running, making me feel worse. Was he really that mad that he had to go and run off when I said I wasn't okay? I laid limply against the toilet as the purging stopped. I sighed heavily and closed the lid, flushed, and repeated my routine that had become official the first time I had purged that morning. Tears returned, showing off how weak I was and how I was unable to handle even this. I opened the door, and to my surprise, Seth was there.

A glass of Gingerale was in his hand, and his hand was extended to me. I wiped my eyes and stared in confusion at him.

"What's this for?" I asked, my voice octaves higher than normal from my tears.
"You. It'll help your stomach a little," he said. "Are you okay?"

I snatched the glass before replying and downed half of it in a few swigs.

"No. I've been sick since last night," I said, quickly swallowing the rest of it in a few more swigs. I hadn't even noticed how thirsty I was until the Gingerale came into view.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and guiding me to the couch. We sat down, his arm staying in its position around me.

"You left," I squeaked.

"I came home, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but . . . you were mad at me."

"No, I wasn't."

I rolled my eyes and stared at him in disbelief.

"You weren't mad at me?"

"Why would I be?"

"I rejected you."

Seth sighed. "C'mon, stop. I got mad because you are so scared of getting pregnant, and yet you know no such thing will happen."

"Oh, so you admit to being mad?" I caught him. He didn't say anything at first, but merely turned his head to stare at the carpet. Hey, Seth, the carpet wasn't going to help you any.

"I mean, well, it's getting a tad ridiculous, don't you think?" he asked, trying not to draw offense to me. My mouth was ready to open and spill words out, but I held them back. He thought this was fucking ridiculous?!

"Ridiculous?" I finally said.

"Well, in a way, I suppose. I mean, c'mon, you're not pregnant, we can see that."

Then what's another explanation for my sickness? Random stomach flu?, I thought. I looked down at my stomach, knowing what really lied beneath the skin. My eyes advanced back onto Seth, and he tucked a few strays of my hair behind my ear.

"You're absolutely fine, babe," he reassured.

Then why am I fucking pregnant?! I screamed in my head, the pure obliviousness Seth had driving me up the wall. Did he not even care?

"Whatever, Seth," I muttered as I stood up and made my way to the bathroom again. It was never going to get easier.

"I know that baby isn't mine!" Seth screamed.

"Yes it is! Whose else would it be?" I cried in reply.

"The guy you were with when you cheated on me!"

"Seth, I never cheated on you!"

"Bull shit!" he screamed. "That isn't my fucking kid!"

"Seth!"

He raised his hand, the palm flying at my face . . .

I gasped as I awoke from my horrid nightmare, cold sweat bleeding down my neck and forehead. My whole frame was shuddering like an earthquake and I put my hand over my heart, feeling the rapid beat. The living room was fairly dark, the only light coming from the television set to a rerun of a Friends episode. My hand shifted onto my stomach and clutched it, feeling the slight bulge that was beginning to form.

It had been an entire week since I'd discovered the sad truth of my pregnancy. I wanted to throw myself under a city bus just because of it, but that wasn't going to fix anything. Seth had stopped with most of his seduction plans, but when he did try, my rejections were quicker. Every time he became more and more saddened and frustrated at the same time, but I couldn't do it. Now my dreams of Seth were becoming vividly terrifying. He would always be furious over the pregnancy in every dream of mine and either hurt me or leave me, and that held me back from telling him. What if he was like that when I actually told him? If only he knew.

Oh, and I didn't plan to tell him.

It was eating me alive at how I was keeping this secret. He couldn't find out, but surely he'd discover it when my stomach swelled to the size of Texas. I could always say I gained weight from eating, but that wouldn't fool him. However, tonight the whole thing would be taken care of and I wasn't excited about it at all. As for my appetite, it was beginning to slowly rise. I ate regularly with extra snacks and threw up a few times a week, but I hid the vomitting from Seth. My breasts were getting bigger, and Seth surely noticed that. He even asked me at one point if I was taking unecessary supplements, but I denied his idea and stated that nothing about them had changed.

Yeah, as if.

This whole first trimester sucked, and it was clearly only going to get worse. Besides those symptoms, there were others and many more to come. It was driving me crazy and paranoia was setting in.

Seth appeared from the hallway to check on me, knowing that I still wasn't feeling very well. I told him it was merely that time of the month and, as always, he was understanding about it. However, I knew I wasn't going to be experiencing menstration for many months to come.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked as he came over to me. I was sprawled out on the couch, my mind still spinning from the nightmare I'd just had. He sat on the floor next to me, his hand atop mine.

"Yeah," I whispered as he pecked my cheek.

"Are you going to sleep out here tonight?" he asked.

"No, I'm coming to bed," I replied as I sat up. Seth stood and took my hand to help me up, no matter how unecessary I felt it was. I shut the television off and we walked down the hallway to our room. My body was already adorned by my usual sweat pants and tank top for pajamas, so I slid right into bed after Seth did. I cuddled up against him and he smiled in response.

"Are you sure you'll sleep okay with me in here? I can go sleep on the couch," he offered.

"No, stay here," I requested. I sat up, motioning him to do the same. Seth seemed confused, but he sat up with me and leaned back against the headboard. Immediately, I crawled into his lap and let my arms wind their way around him. I leaned in and pressed my lips to his, beginning a lovely slow kiss that I wanted before my plan. The way my lips moved with his was telling him that I was in no mood to go any farther, and he seemed to get the message. The only moves Seth made were his arms wrapping around me, the tilt of his head, and his lips parting and closing with mine. The kiss lasted a while, and by the time we finished it, my breath had completely vanished.

I inhaled heavily and moved my hands to Seth's cheeks, my eyes unable to open for a moment. I could feel his hand rubbing the small of my back and I was finally able to let my blue eyes open to stare back into his. He smiled contently at me, and it was at that moment I wanted to cry. These types of moments were what I cherrished most about our relationship, and of course I wanted us to stay like this forever. However, that wasn't going to be possible after my stunt. I leaned in and kissed him again and again, savoring the taste of his lips until I felt satisfied. Before I laid back down to sleep, I leaned my body against his and hugged him tightly, and he returned it.

"You alright?" he whispered in my ear, gently stroking my hair in the process. I guess he thought I was getting emotional or something.

"Yeah," I whispered, even though I was anything but alright. Suddenly, his arms tightened around me a bit more, and then I was laying down. Seth was beside me, his eyes glittering with happiness. Again, the urge to cry struck me, but I held back. He laid on his back, welcoming me, and I accepted. I slid to him and rested my head and one hand on his chest, listening to the distinct sound of his heartbeat.

"I love you," I whispered.

"I love you, too," he whispered just before he flicked off the lamp on the nightstand.

Another long night. Or in my case, the last night.