Damn, I Hate You

I didn't know how angry I must have been. I mean, it was probably scary, now that I think about it. I can't even control how I sound when I do it. I know all my words probably sound bathed with venomous rage, but I didn't feel a thing as I told off the teacher.

Now I was feeling thousands of things, though. She stood up for me. She protected me. She saved me from potentially fucking up everything. If I couldn't control myself here, how could I control it in the office?

I put my head down on the desk. It was cool against my raging hot cheek. I turned to face a wall and think, but right as I was about to doze off, I felt a hand caress the back of my head. I jumped, a bit startled by it. I turned to see it was Jaimie. She looked a bit scared, as if I'd just attacked her, but she calmed down instantly. Why do I always freak out? Don't spaz, Deryk. It's unappealing.

"You ok?" she asked.

I leaned my head back down, looking in her direction this time. "I guess not." I said. For the first time, I didn't want to be light-hearted. I wanted to just say fuck the world and end it all. I can't do this. I have no control over my actions. I'm not independent anymore- I just got help from a girl who I poured my heart out to last night! What's wrong with me? Why am I changing so much?

"What's wrong?" She asked. I shook my head and closed my eyes, my head was pounding and I could feel the heat radiating from it. I was freaking out and I couldn't control any of it. I think I was scared of myself for the first time.

"It's ok." She said, looking up to make sure the teacher wasn't looking first, and then stroked my face. Her hand startled me at first, and she looked sorry. But she didn't look hurt like usually. She looked at me as though I were a dog in distress and she couldn't save me from my owner. The petting didn't help my similie, now that I think about it. Maybe I was a little light-hearted still.

I grabbed her hand and rubbed my eyes with my free one. Then I resumed my laying position and started patting her hand. It was going to be ok. I don't want her to worry. I need to get my shit together. She can't do anything, regardless of how much she wants to.

Then I was asleep. I don't even remember what I was thinking. I just remember I finally felt sleep and it was deep.

"Deryk, the bell rang. Get up." A harsh voice was commanding.

"Wow, that must've been one boring lesson, teach." I said, rising from my seat and grabbing my backpack. Jaimie was waiting for me outside the door.

"Feel better?" She asked, probably wondering if sleep had helped me a little bit. It didn't. My mind was still racing, my head pulsing, my thoughts blurred with one another. Still, I nodded.

"Deryk..." She trailed off.

"Huh?" I asked, too tired to understand what she wanted without asking. Then she stopped me and kissed me, pushing me against a wall. She held my hands down and then, once she was sure I wouldn't pull away in fear, let go and wrapped her arms around her, never once leaving my face. My eyes were closed and I felt every ounce of passion in it. She really loved me. I shivered, but then stiffled it as I pulled my arms around her waist.

"See. You're going to be ok." She said, once breaking away from me. I looked at the ground.

"You make me feel human." I smiled. I was staring her in the eyes, even though hers were darting across various features of my face. She brought a hand up and started wiping away at my cheek.

"I knew it." She said. Her finger was a little white with the foundation I had applied to cover my bruises. Teachers never cared, but I didn't want people to hassle me about it.

"Just don't tell anyone. I don't wanna be known as some sorta trannie or something." I smiled.

"Your secret's safe with me." She said, pulling me in for another kiss.

"You realize we have two classes left, right?" I whispered, pulling away slightly.

"Your point?" she smiled slyly, and I couldn't help but smirk at that one. Then I picked her up bridal style and started walking.

"I can't miss two days in a row of chemistry. I love you, but I'm not failing." I joked, "no where's your class?"

"I'm not gonna tell you." She said, sticking her tongue out to sound even more like a little kid.

"Please?" I asked, trying to sound like a whiney brat too.

"Not until you remind me, what did you say before something about failing? Something that started with an L I think..." She said. Then I realized it. I stopped, bent my face over hers and whispered.

"You know what I said. Actions speak louder than words, though." And gave her one final kiss as the bell rang. Then I broke into a run. "Care to give me a destination now?" I asked, her laughing in my arms as I looked out for security.