Damn, I Hate You

My phone was ringing from across the hall. My dad didn't bring it to me when he left. It was the weirdest morning of my life. My dad came into my room with the hangover of a lifetime. He saw me and asked what I was doing because I was in a weird position trying to wake my leg up. I should've left it numb, I realize now.

Then he turned on the light and saw my face. "Fuck. You can't hide that." he said. I guess my face was worse than I thought earlier. "I'll call you in. See, kid, don't mess with me. You know better than that. What the hell you were thinking I dunno, but if you ever do it again, you're going to miss this pain." he threatened me and went to the kitchen.

At least that's one less unexcused absence. God, I can't even move now. My back hurts, my face hurts, ever muscle in my body aches; and yet there was my phone on full blast blaring down the hall. Stop calling! You're at school, people. Don't text me, learn something for a change! I sighed and tried rolling over to go to sleep, but the arm I ended up on was bruised on the shoulder and I was forced back onto my back immediatly.

What the fuck is my problem? It's not going to get better and yet I keep masochistically returning to him. Why can't I just leave for good like a normal kid?

You're not normal, Deryk. The words he yelled at me all these years were hitting me hard as I lied helplessly on my bed. I am stupid- for not leaving; I am worthless- because I'm so dependant on the life that I know; I am weak- because I'm too scared to leave and change my life. But that's ok. I can understand that now.

I finally mustered the strength to get up. That insistant ringing was driving me insane. Shut up phone! I staggered over to the flipped table it was under and opened it. Seven missed alerts. Great. Fuck the phone calls, they wouldn't be able to answer after lunch. There was a missed message from Jaimie. I was about to reply, but then it died.

Do I care enough to plug it in? Can't I just call her after school gets out from my house phone? Yeah, I'll do that. Relax Deryk. Go to sleep. You'll feel better in no time.

But that's the thing. I can't sleep. My head is killing me, my body aches, but it's as if I'm in too much pain to sleep finally. Advil. Lot's and lots of advil can help. Just get up.

I gave up on moving and watched some tv. When all else fails, laughters the best medicine.

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My world turned black. Until an insane loud banging came from the door. What the hell? Who's so interested in getting in here that they have to do that? I waited. Maybe it would stop. For a solid twenty seconds, though, it had gone on. Go AWAY! Please?

But they didn't. I forced myself up. What was worse? The headache I already had or the migrane this was giving me? I grabbed the door knob and thrust the door open. "WHAT?" I yelled at whoever was there, though I had my head down, eyes sqeezed shut as I tried to ignore the pain shooting through me.

"Oh my god! Deryk!" came the warm alarmed voice of Jaimie. Oh. Well, I guess that would explain all the knocking. Who else would honestly care enough to check up on me. She put my arm around her and helped me stumble over to the couch. "Are you alright?"

"Do I really look ok?" I asked, not in the mood to hide my attitude. I was in pain. I never got my advil. I couldn't.

"You need something?" She asked, reading my mind. Thank god I fell in love with a psychic!

"In the kitchen, bottom shelf of the cabinet on the left of the microwave, you will find a bottle of advil. Just pour it all down my throat, please." I said and opened my mouth as a joke. She made a sigh as if to try not to laugh due to the circumstances. She leaned me back onto the couch and went to grab the bottle. She returned with four and a glass of water.

"Bless you, baby." I said. She handed it to me smiling and I took them gladly, all in one gulp.

"What happened to you?" she asked, lifting my head slightly so I could lie in her lap.

"Same ol' same ol'. Honestly, what do you think? I came back after beating him up last night. I didn't get him good enough, I guess." she leaned down to kiss my lips and I groaned. She pulled away, looking hurt and worried. "Sorry. I got bruises all over my face and I guess he got my lip or something." I appologized and reached up to stroke her face. Then I brought it down to me as if to show her it was ok to kiss me, still.

"You look terrible." she informed me.

"Thanks, Captain Obvious. Ah, and I thought I was so handsom." I said, closing my eyes and waiting for the advil to kick in. Please work soon. Please work soon. She giggled.

"I get it. So you're only a dick the days your dad really gets you good." she said, "because you're pretty grumpy so far."

"I'm sorry. You're right, though. I'm just bitter 'cause everything.... I'm just in pain right now." I tried to explain. She looked at me sympathetically.

"You want me to bandage this up or put on some alcohol?" she gestured towards my fucked up face. I shook my head.

"I don't do bandades anymore. They make me look dorky. Nah, I just want to chill with you. Did I miss anything cool today?" I asked.

"I had a nice talk with Mr. B, but remember, no classes." she reminded me.

"Oh right. So what'd you guys talk about? He's really cool, but he gets nerdy and brings up Star Wars and stuff." I laughed.

"Did you know he does foster care?" she asked me.

"Yeah. His son, actually, he adopted after foster care." I opened my eyes for a moment, then went back to closing them.

"You don't have to live like this." She finally uttered after a little silence. I sighed heavily. With eyes still closed, I blindly found her hand and brought it to my face to kiss it. Then I stroked it as it rested on my stomach. With her other hand, she ran her fingers through my hair. I love that. It's something my mom did when I was a REALLY little kid. I don't remember much, but I distinctively remember hands running through my hair as I came to her after falling down or after doing something really great for my age like building lego towers.

"I know." I said, looking up at her. Her eyes were full of tears again. Then one fell as she blinked. "Why do you cry for me? I'm not worth it." I thought. Oh no, did I just say that out loud?

She looked down at me as though I were insane. "What do you mean? Your'e the most important perosn in my life! I love you! You mean the world to me! How could you even think you aren't worth it?"

I clutched her hand, which was now in a balled fist around my shirt, and tried to calm her. "But you always seem to cry over me, and it makes me sad. I don't wanna see you cry, baby. I wanna see you happy, 'cause you make me happy, and I must return the favor. You are the first person to love me in a long time. You... I see... When you're with me, I feel so incredibly loved, but when you cry, it makes me feel like shit." I admitted. She looked like she was going to cry more. I wiped a few fallen tears from her cheek and she held them back.

"But it hurts me to see you like this." she was looking away from me. Her hand had stopped going through my hair and I felt lost. She was crying, I couldn't move, and the affectionate action was stopped.

"And you won't see me like this again." I promised. "He's not worth it. I always had..." I trailed off. Was I really going to cry? You're giving up, Deryk. You've done this before. You gave up on humanity. You gave up on love. It's not a big deal to leave stuff behind.

But she showed you there is love and humanity. She showed you not to give up. Are you really prepared to lose faith? "What? Continue." She pressed.

"I always had faith. Call me optimistic, but I never gave up hope on people changing. Like, I used to think people were cold and heartless- like, our entire race. But then you came along. I always though there was no love for me. And then you came along. The one thing I never gave up on was the hope that my dad could change and the hope that it would get better. Since you were in my life, I found it easier to believe that things change, too. But after last night, after knowing I can hit him and he still won't learn his lesson, I think it's time I give up hope on him and just move on wiht my life." I admitted, a single tear falling from my eye.

"You're so blind. People do love you! It's not just me! You've never seen how all the other girls want you so bad?" she asked.

"They want me 'cause I'm cute or 'cause I'm a 'bad boy'. You want me 'cause you genuinly care about me!" I reminded her.

"Ms. Rodriguez and Mr. B love you!"

"But not in the same way you do. When I'm with you, I'm reminded that people show their love. The way you were stroking my head was what my mom used to do, and you did it so naturally. The way you ask me how I am and talk and really care about what's on my mind and stuff- it makes me feel like you love me more than anything else. And the way you kiss me, without the hopes of getting into bed and with all the possibilities of understanding me and still loving me regardless of my past, my behavior and my homelife. You're the first person to truly love me. I love you Jaimie." I said, my crying coming casually as I spoke without sobs while tears rolled down my face.

She lifted my head. I had enough advil to not be able to feel hardly anything. She kissed me, tongue sliding into my mouth and full of passion. Then, seconds later as we broke away, she spoke. "I love you so much more than words could ever say, Deryk. Those words are like... they are like dirt, but they're the only ones I can use to say how I feel! I love you I love you I love you!" she said.

I sat up finally and sat next to her. I grunted with effort, and she winced just watching me. But then I grabbed her in a warm embrace and pulled her into me. "I love you too." I said. Life was perfect.