Damn, I Hate You

"Deryk, what are you doing?" I heard Jaimie as she woke up. I was sitting in front of her television screen trying to find an open electric outlet.

"I found an XBox and wanted to play one of your racing games, but it wasn't plugged in, so I was about to do that when you woke up." I explained. She didn't seem to understand.

"Oh. I meant why weren't you sleeping."

"Oh. Haha. I dunno, just couldn't go back, I guess." I lied. Yeah, I'm going to hell for lying to God's greatest angel, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to tell her what was on my mind.

"Ok. You want some waffles or something?" she asked.

"Uh, sure, I guess. What time is it?" I asked, realizing I'd been sitting in silence for hours just lost in my own mind. Nothing's more dangerous to a boy's sanity than sitting in the silence as the monsters whispering in his mind. It's a trap you can't break free from no matter how hard you try and it picks its way at your sanity until you're... well, until you're me.

"Seven fifteen, my watch says." she said, looking at her watch. My head was killing me, but it would be damaging if I took any more pain killers. I just needed sleep, but I was afraid to do it.

"Cool." I said. She got up and walked over to the freezer where she was going to get our waffles. Suddenly I heard her screaming.

"Oh my god, there's a fuckin' big-ass cockroach!" she yelled. I ran over and stomped on it.

"You're such a dork." I said smiling at her. She ruffled my hair. Well, she tried to, but suddenly my head flinched away from her. Oh shit, play it off, Deryk.

"You sure you're ok?" Her eyes were full of hurt as she looked into mine. I grabbed for her hand and kissed it.

"Of course." I lied. Shit, what's wrong with me? Not again, Deryk; you've come too far for this to all go back to "normal". She knew I wasn't being perfectly honest. Her eyes shifted. I released her hand and waltzed over to the table. It was going to be alright.

I put my hands on the table pleasantly as she loaded the toaster. Suddenly her hand stroked my cheek. In an instant I was up and out of my chair, one hand grasping hers defensively and the other ready to block another attack. I was like an animal trained only to fight; I couldn't calm my nerves right now. "I knew you weren't telling the truth!" she yelled at me as I dropped my arms and stood shaking like a chihuahua. "Deryk, what's wrong?"

Part of my wanted to cry and fall to her warm arms and admit that I didn't know what was wrong. Part of me wanted to bash my head through a wall and remind myself that I don't have to be like this and that I'm so much better now. Part of me was regressing, though. Part of me was yelling in my mind that only pussys cry, and I wasn't allowed to cry. That was the same part scolding me and saying I needed no one. It was the part that told me no one would ever care enough for me to need anyone. It was the part of me that was telling me to go back to hating the world and hating myself for being a dick that was unloveable. That was the part that was winning over my mind.

I paced around the kitchen for a second. Finally I opened my mouth. I swear, I had no control over what came out, though. "Why do you care? I don't mean anything to you. I'm just supposed to be your partner in an assignment, and yet here I am; you trying to change my life and me lost and confused because of it!" I was yelling at that point.

"Deryk, no!" she was practically pleading me.

"Really, there's nothing to love about me. You see my dad? That's going to be me in no time! I'm not going to break this cycle; violence has always been a part of my life and hatred has always controlled me. There's no way to change it." I said, trying to control myself.

"What are you talking about? You're so much better than him!"

"I had a dream, ok? In my dram last night, you died because of my dad, and in response, I went on some sort of insane killing spree. I know that that's going to be me in no time! I can't stop myself from becoming a monster some day and being my dad! There's no way for me to stop myself from hurting you or anyone else in this world! It's going to happen, and I don't want you to be there when that day comes. I want you to remember me for who you know me as, whether that's me or not. And I'm so confused right now and so fuckin' lost. I just- I can't do this!" I said, leaving the kitchen and going for the door.

"Deryk, you're wrong. You're meant to be so much more! You're too smart to be him! You should know this by now." she said to me as I opened the door.

"Please don't make this harder for me. It's not going to work. I gotta go." I said, and tried moving around her. She kept moving and trying to get in my way.

"I'm not letting you go." She said. Every step I took she mirrorred. I ducked my head to go under her arm and she dropped it. "See?"

"See what? That you keep interfering with everything I do? 'cause if that's what you mean, yes." I replied.

"See how you're nothing like your dad? I bet he would've pushed me out of the way." she dared me.

"Oh, is that what you want? I'm a respectful boy. If you want me to push you, I'll gladly oblige." I said, getting annoyed.

"Then do it!" she said, pushing herself in front of me without letting herself let go of the doorway. I pulled my arms back, ready to push her forward and straight through the door.

But I couldn't. There I sat, on the floor in front of her crying instead. I couldn't push her. I couldn't leave. I couldn't do anything. So it's going to be like this: I'll either grow up to be my dad, or I'll stop moving entirely and spend the rest of my life as a sissy who can't stop himself from crying in front of this girl who came into his life and just tried changing it all. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this?

She knelt down next to me and wrapped her arm over my back. I wasn't crying hysterically, it was so quiet, you would guess I'd just fallen and nothing was wrong. But everything was wrong in my mind. The foundation of my world is crumbling. I need to be by myself. But it's impossible. Fuck.