Damn, I Hate You

I sat for almost five minutes in that same spot. First I was crying because I was confused. Then I was crying because I couldn't believe I'd started uncontrollably crying again. And now here I am, wasting more time by being a big baby about all of this shit in my life. God, I'm a fucking loser!

"Deryk?" she finally nudged me. I lifted my head and looked up at her. "Are you seriously afriad you're going to become him?" she asked.

"Yeah. I mean, think about it; they say there's a cycle of violence in which if a parent or something is violent, a kid will be when they grow up. You've seen me at school; you've seen the way I'll beat a kid up just because he pisses me off. Jaimie, I can't stop this from happening!"

"And yet you're here, and not pushing past me." She said, looking me in the eye. I looked away, but she pulled my face to look at hers.

"You aren't a monster. You use your mouth so much more than your fists! You don't even realize it, but you aren't violent, you're just angry. You think you're hostile, but you're just annoyed and making it apparent that you are before anyone pisses you off." she explained. I shook my head. There's no excuse for me to be so angry in the first place.

"Well, why the fuck can't I just be happy all the time? Why am I always so angry? Maybe that's how my dad was when he was younger." I suggested. "It would make sense. I had to have gotten my mouth from someone."

"You got your mouth from having to use it because you were afraid to fight with your dad. You use so much self-control, though. There's no way you're going to become your dad."

I sighed in exasperation. "You don't know that. I mean, look." I dragged her over to my backpack. Inside was a book of poetry I had been filling up for about three months now. One poem she needed to read before she said I wasn't a monster. "Read that, for me."

"Blood drips slowly as my fist still shakes/ My eye won't stop twitching as my sanity breaks./ He would look serene, if not for the pool/ of crimson engulfing him. Oh what a fool/ For crossing the path of the stalking beast/ And though a large morsel, it's not enough for my feast/ As my apetite for violence curbs and expands/ My blood lust controls me, and so my hands/ Just dig deeper and add to his pain/ I've become a monster. I'm no longer sane." she read aloud. She looked at me mortified.

"See. I think there's no way to stop me from being him one day." I was looking down, thinking I must be evil just for having written that. Then memories of the boy I had been writing about flooded over me. At the time, he deserved every last punch; he had told me I was a stupid loser destined to go nowhere, and he wouldn't shut his mouth, so I had to. Now I'm thinking he was right.

"That was... it was a bit graphic, but it doesn't mean you're insane. It means that you have violent tendencies and that you need to calm down sometimes. You know when to control yourself, though. It's clear that you have great patience with certain people. Otherwise, trust me, you would've killed a lot of people by now." she tried smiling at me, but even she couldn't force one. I was looking down now, trying to avoid her hopeful eyes. There's no hope, so why does she bother?

"It means that I'm not stable, though, and that at any moment, I could snap and become my dad." I explained. My hands were trembling. I didn't hear her as she approached me and embraced me. THe sudden feeling of her on me again scared me and I felt so terrible once I realized how much I'd flinched. She sounded ready to cry, and I was about to at any second.

"You are stable. Look, you're just regressing right now. It's understandable. You just ran away. You just had a really important talk with your dad last night! You told him everything that you had been thinking for the past, what, ten years or something? It's hard for him to have reacted heartlessly like he did. It's hard for you to understand that you aren't going to be just like him. It's just.... you need to try your hardest and get it through you're head that you are so much more than that." she lectured me. After I'd flinched, she didn't let go and so here I was, standing with her wrapped around me back on the couch.

I leaned my head onto her shoulder and she accepted it warmly and started running her fingers through my hair. God, I love that. I didn't have anything left to say, now. All I wanted to do was sleep. I pulled her onto my lap and tilted us both over and into a laying position.

"You don't have to stay here, but I really just need someone to be here while I'm going to sleep. I need you to be next to me so I can remember exactly what it feels like to be loved and not have another nightmare." I thought out loud.

"Of course I wanna be here. I'm always here." she said. "Just as long as I know you're going to be alright."

"I'll be ok." I assured her, trying to assure myself at the same time. I pulled her in close to me and held her tightly as I forced myself into a much-needed sleep.