Through the Light of the Bottle

She sits on a cluttered table backstage, holding a different guitar this time. I walk up and hoist myself on to the table, scooting my body back to lean up against the wall next to her.

“Genie, right?” she stops plucking random notes, her fingers lay dormant against the neck of the white guitar. She nods her head slowly, shaking the stray strands of hair out of her face.

“So are you their assistant or something?” I attempt to make small talk. My eyes travel down the hall and spot Ray leaning against the wall, strumming an unplugged electric guitar. His head is bent, dark curls concealing half his face, but I can see his eyes, filled with deep intensity as they focus on the thin wires, as his fingers move effortlessly up and down the neck.

“Look, you’re not going to get-“

“I’m not looking for information, I’m looking for a conversation,” I snap my head back to her form. She bites her lip hesitantly as I speak, but instantly breaks out into a smile.

“Sorry,” she mumbles, grasping the guitar carefully as she slides off the table. She ushers me to follow her with a nod of her head, and continues down the hall.

“There were a lot of reporters come around, trying to get shit about them off us” she spoke without prompting.

“Don’t worry, I’m a big girl, I can fuck with them myself,”

“I figured, just got suspicious,” she flashes me a smile, “I’m the guitar tech,” she continues talking to me before directing her attention down the hall, “Hey Toro!”

His head flies up, a grin plastered to his face as he sees Genie walk up to him.

It falters slightly when I come out from behind her form.

“Hey Genie…Kate” he nods in my direction before quickly directing his attention back to Genie.

“Where’s Iero, I jacked his guitar,” she holds it up slightly, “and I’m thinking he probably needs it for the concert tonight.”

“Good point,” he laughs, and before he can answer he question, the squeaks of tenis shoes come from somewhere behind me, accompanied by a large yell that reverberates off the walls of the narrow hallway.

“Toro, Genie!” he yells, bounding down the hall quickly, “That girl is back! Can you believe it! Kate Monahan is back to fuck with us! Gerard is going to flip-” he spots abruptly in front of me, one eyebrow raised in surprise.

“You,” Frank simply states, as if I should understand.

“I’m doing an exposé,” I force a smile

“On what?” he laughs at my responses, “how many guys you can fuck and leave on this tour?”

Ray plucks a loud flat note and Genie coughs loudly.

“Oh, good one,” a sarcastic voice forcing its way to the front of my demeanor, “how long has that been running through your head?”

He rolls his eyes, grabbing Genie’s wrist and leading her away.

I look at Ray, a surprised look is covers his face, and is quickly masked with his original nonchalant state.

“I remember you,” he calmly mumbles, his fingers resume their motions across the neck of the guitar; the opening line from some libertine’s song fills my ears, but I fail to place the name of it to the opening chords.

I raise my eyebrows, pressing my back against the opposite wall as two roadies push their way through.

“Journalist, hanging around Gee all the time,” a faint smile dons his lips, his head bent over, looking at the body of his guitar.

I move my mouth in protest, but quickly shut it, realizing he’s the only one that won’t lash out at me for one wrong move.

“I use to have this huge thing for you,” he laughs, lifting his head, his eyes connecting with mine.

I’m caught off guard, my eyebrows shooting up and I can’t find the words to fill the silence.

“Sorry, I know, awkward,” he shakes his head, his curls flying around before resting, framing his face naturally.

“No, it’s…don’t,” I’m tripping over my words, finally finding the right ones, “it’s not awkward,” I say, biting my lip to keep the other words from spilling from my mouth.

He grins, “No, sorry! Just, you know, thought I’d get that out there,” he strums some more chords, “cause, you know, never told you before.”

“Why not?” curiosity compels the words to fall out of my mouth, and I quickly bite my lip to prevent any more from escaping the second they break the silence.

He shrugs, “Can’t say,” but his words are poorly masked by the grin spreading across his face.

“No, tell me,” the discomfort that resided before quickly passes and I’m moving towards him.

“No, seriously, I can’t,” he laughs slightly, shifting his weight before gliding down the hall.

I stare at the spot where he was standing, before spinning in his direction, walking quickly to catch up with him.

“Ray, come on!” I yell, grabbing his shoulder and spinning him around to face me.

He stares at me for a moment, silencing filling the gap that our bodies don’t. A look of concentration fills his eyes before he shakes his head slightly, shrugging his shoulder away from my grasp and disappearing around the corner.

Frank strides by suddenly, the distinct couch of “whore,” being poorly covered.

“Hey Frank, a couple of ten year old called, they want their saying back,” a girl laughs, coming to a stop near me.

Frank flashes a smile towards her, his left hand flying up in her direction flashing a response to her words. I look to the side of me, seeing Jay standing with three coffees in a tray.

She laughs, shaking her head before grabbing my arm and spinning me in the other direction and leading me down the hall.

“Did Brian talk to you,” her playful voice is lost, a serious tone coming through her words.

“Yea-“

“Good. Listen to him, cause I swear I’m going to kill that man if doesn’t stop with his little attitude,” she huffs, trying to blow some stray strands of hair out of her face. She grabs a key from her pocket, opening a door and disappearing through, shutting it behind her, leaving me staring at a blank white wooden door.

As quickly as she disappeared, the door opens again, and I see the brief glimpse of blonde hair before she emerges, shutting it behind her.

“Sorry, it’s their private room,” she offers me a small smile, “But I’m on break, so you wanna grab a bite or something?” She’s shrugs on a sweatshirt and pulls her long brown hair into a elastic band, forming a messy bun, staring at me, waiting for an answer.

“Oh, yea,” I’m caught off guard yet again, “won’t they be-“

“Mad? Oh please, like I care,” she laughs, heading down the hall, nodding her head for me to follow, “now come on, Bob told me about some fantastic dinner.”

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I stir my coffee slightly, choking down the burnt taste that fills my mouth.

“This tastes like shit,” Jay speaks the words that have been filling my mind.

A few old men turn in their seats to stare at her, as she sets down the white cup with a loud clank. I laugh, pushing my cup away, feeling at ease to display my distaste for it.

“There’s an after party tonight, you should come,” her look of disgust falls from her eyes, directing her attention towards me.

“I don’t know,” and I can’t believe I’m turning this down, but her face tells me that even if I actually wanted to skip out, I wouldn’t have the chance.

“No, you’re coming,” she laughs, fishing a five from her pocket and laying it down and sliding out of the booth, grabbing my sleeve to follow.

“Seriously, it’s all guys yelling and being drunk with a few whores on the side,” her voice is fast as she sets off down the sidewalk, the brisk breeze off evening whipping past us.

“Isn’t that going against the whole point of this tour?” I laugh slightly, trying to change the subject.

“We’re giving the money to Students Against Drunk Driving, and last time I checked, I was not a student and some guy named Earl drives me to each venue, so I’m thinking I’m good,” she replies, shrugging her shoulders, “They aren’t trying to ban alcohol completely…just strongly suggest that you don’t use it. But even you’ve got to agree drinking and driving is completely wrong. Anyways, nice try, but your not changing the subject that easily, you’re still coming to the party.”

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea,” I strain a small smile, hugging my arms, moving my hands across my bare skin to warm it up.

“Oh please, if this is about Gerard, he needs to get a book and realize it takes two people to fuck,” Jay laughs, dashing across the street and stepping into a starbucks. I throw open the door and am greeted by a rush of warm air.

“Seriously, I try to be all anti corporation and buy from the small town dinner. But no, starbucks kicks ass,” she comments, walking to the counter and ordering two lattes.

I smile, turning towards the display cases, and fingering the edges of a red coffee mug. My heart is oddly racing, as I bite my lip hard, willing my body to calm down. A small white cup is forced into my vision, and I turn to see Jay smiling at me expectantly. Her grin falters slightly as she sees the teeth marks on my bottom lip

“What’s up?” her shoulder bumps with mine. I stay silent.

“Thank you,” my voice is broken and cracks as I speak up a few minutes later, “for, you know, understanding and-,”

“Don’t worry ‘bout it,” she waves her hand, “and don’t listen to Frank and Mikey, they’re just overprotective of him. Speaking of the princesses, let’s head back. I should probably be their before they get on stage.”

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The after party is loud and lively, a curtain of smoke lines everyone’s face as me and Holly make our way through the crowded bar.

“Holly!” a tall guy with curly hair strides towards us. He flashes me a smile, before extending his hand, resting it on the small of her back, leading her towards a table off to the side of the bar.

She whips her head around, red hair flying, shooting me an apologetic smile before her attention is taken over by the guy.

I offer a small smile to her, my eyes dart from each person, trying to find a familiar face. My motions mimic desperation, my hands find their way to my pocket, and my lip is stuck in between my teeth, the pressure on it building by the second.

I hear my name being called across the bar, and suddenly Jay’s is bounding into my vision, Genie walking nonchalantly behind her, sipping a small glass.

“Ha, fucking made it!” Jay laughs, swinging an arm around my shoulder, gliding me to the bar.

“She gets this adrenaline rush after every show,” Genie laughs from beside me, grabbing a drink from a passing by waiter’s tray, placing it in my empty hands. “I’m assuming you drink,” Genie smiles, eyes twinkling.

“What clued you off?” I take a large gulp of strong liquor, and it’s suddenly making sense to me why Genie was only sipping it. My face contorts in pain and my head pounds for a second.

Bob saunters up to us, grabbing the glass from Genie’s hands, taking a large gulp before setting it down. He nods at me, smiling a hello, before turning his attention back to her. He whispers into her ear for a good minute, and I trace my name into the surface of the table, trying to hide the awkwardness of the situation.

I suddenly realize that my fingers are moving in the motions of an ‘R’ and quickly halt my hand’s motions, grabbing my glass and raising it to my lips.

She sighs, nodding slowly, and he takes another drink of her glass before walking to the back of the bar. Her eyes dart of the clock above the bar, before they fall on me, as she feigns a small smile.

Jay’s arm is now around me, as she’s telling me some great story of this one person in a place doing that one thing, but really, I could care less because suddenly Bob appears in my side vision, wearing a coat and exiting the bar early. Ten seconds later, Genie glances at the clock, before excusing herself and following his suit.

Jay turns her attention to the passing by Mikey, and I duck out of the conversation, passing by Holly as she sat with the same tall dark hair guy from before and a smaller, balder guy sitting with her. She flashes me a huge smile, and I feel like I’m missing some important information. But all other thoughts are gone as I suddenly see him sitting alone in the back, nursing a bottle of water. I take a deep breath, setting off towards him.

“I hear you’re a great listener to girls at these things,” I smile slightly, sliding into the booth next to him.

His face is blank before understanding fills his eyes, a small smile threatening his lips.

“Hey Kate,” his voice is worn and raspy, a small cough escaping his lips and he pours some more water down his throat.

I smile softly; my left leg starts to bounce slightly as no future words fall from either of our mouths.

“Gerard, look-“I lay my hands on the table, bracing myself for the words that would follow.

But my plan is lost.

“I can’t do this now,” he offers me a charming smile, wishing I could hate him more, as he slides out of the booth and disappears into the crowd.

I lay my head on the table, the cold surface contrasting with my warm cheek. My eyes travel from the energetic Jay, to Ray, laughing at her motions as some liquid falls from her cup. A couple of girls in too short skirts stand near the bar, their eyes lingering on Ray’s smiling form, figuring out their key. Brian texts on his cell phone, a look of concentration set permanently on his face, illuminated by the blue light. A too young girl with brown hair tugs a familiar string in my heart, déjà vu washing over my, raising my skins slightly. The arms of a roadie find their way to her waist, leading her too far away from where she needs to be. I close my eyes, before a sense of nausea takes over, and suddenly I just need to be away from it all. I quickly slide out of the booth and dodge the various people that adorn the room.

Ray’s eyes meet mine briefly, but I quickly hide my anxiety with my hair, shaking it so the strands fall loose in front of my face. My body turns with each curve of leather jackets and mini skirts and finally, I reach the door, grasping the cold metal handle and finding myself standing in an empty parking lot.

I sigh deeply, hands flying to my head, gripping my hair as I try to calm down. I hear the faint thuds of footsteps behind me.

“Ray, I’m fine, I just-“but suddenly a cloth finds its way to my mouth, and the aroma of alcohol fills my nostrils. I start to struggle, but the person’s other arm is around my arms, holding me tight, as he pushes me towards a small white car near the back of the parking lot. The streetlights around me start to blink and the car pulls in and out of focus before I collapse in the person’s arms.