Can't live without you
Now That Your Gone
I stand in front of the mirror. I am wearing the shirt that you gave me. You would have wanted that. You would also want to live till your 80 but I guess some things just can't be helped. I hate what happened I hate how it could have been prevented but fate was not to kind to me or you. I also hate how I walked and you died. That should never have happened it should be my funeral we are going to not yours. Tears form in my eyes as I think of the conversation we had a couple days ago.
~4 Days earlier~
"Don't you worry your fro Ray I know we will have many more Winters together!" Winter said. Ray laughed as he pulled her on his lap and looked her in the eye.
"But your the only Winter I want!" he said kissing her neck. She laughed and rolled her eyes.
He always joked about her name.
"Baby you know what I mean!" she protested kissing his lips softly.
"I know and I also know that no force on earth can tear us apart!" Ray stated kissing her lips in return.
I cry when I think about the one force I did not count on. Death. And the drunk driver that smashed into us that fateful night. How could he be so stupid! To get behind the wheel and drive knowing he was not able. He took away the one thing that meant most to me. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I wipe the tears as the fall down my face. I am holding the necklace I gave you I am gonna put it in your coffin so that a bit of me will be with you in heaven until I get there. I think about how long that's going to be and I don't like it. I don't wanna wait but what can I do about that? Frank interrupts my thoughts and tells me it's time to go down to the funeral. I wipe my face and follow him out the door. The service is unbearable. I can barely concentrate my mind is still reeling. The guys all say something and it was touching. Then it was my turn I go up and stare into the crowd. I had written down what I wanted to say but I could not read it. I look back out and I can't see any faces my eyes are blurred by tears. I blink them gone and start to speak. My voice was shaking and my eyes watered. I never showed so much emotion. When I was done I sat and rested my face in my hands and sobbed. After I went to your coffin and looked at you lying so peacefully almost like your asleep. I cry harder when I place the necklace around your neck. I look once more at your loving face and kissed your lips and saw my tears fall on your skin. I whisper in your ear.
"I love you Winter," I lean back up and let them lower your casket. I throw one white rose on top. I head back to the car and sit quietly in the back consumed with grief. Frank tells me no matter what he would always be around if I wanted to talk. I smile as all the guys made their way to me to tell me it will be alright. Mikey says I will see her again, Bob gives me a hug that surprised me Bob was not one for hugs. Gerard said you were in a better place. I did not agree. How could it be better if I'm not with you. I stormed back to the bathroom with angry tears in my eyes. I hated not having you here it burned in my heart knowing I can't hold you anymore can't kiss your soft lips or smell your beautiful hair or gaze in your warm eyes. I cursed God for taking you from me and I cursed the man again for taking your life. I want to be with you again I want to see you smile at me once more. Then a thought occurred. There was one way I can see you. I raise my hand and crash it into the mirror. Shards fly everywhere and blood flows from my hand where the mirror cut it. I wince at the pain slightly and pick up a shard and raise it to my arm. I touch it lightly to the skin and begin breathing in and out heavily. This is it Winter I'm doing this for you I'm coming for you.
"Stop!"
A small voice in my head says. I think for a second. What am I doing? Is this really gonna solve anything? Winter is in heaven if I kill myself I most certainly won't be going there. I look at the shard at my arm and drop it. This is not right Winter would want me to go on live my life for me and her now. Fresh tears of sorrow and guilt flood my eyes. I'm sorry Winter I just miss you so much and wanted to be with you again I let my grief overwhelm my common sense. if I did this to me I would hurt everyone who wanted to help me my family and my band and most importantly you.
"I love you Ray," that voice whispers. I stop and my heart pumps faster. You Winter? You are the voice that told me to stop? I marvel In how you are watching me, protecting me. You are my guardian angel and I love you too. I suddenly got a warm sensation through my body. I know it will be alright and in a way we will grow old together and spend many winters together for you are with me if not in body but in spirit watching me for always till the day I will join you and we will be together. I love you winter.
~4 Days earlier~
"Don't you worry your fro Ray I know we will have many more Winters together!" Winter said. Ray laughed as he pulled her on his lap and looked her in the eye.
"But your the only Winter I want!" he said kissing her neck. She laughed and rolled her eyes.
He always joked about her name.
"Baby you know what I mean!" she protested kissing his lips softly.
"I know and I also know that no force on earth can tear us apart!" Ray stated kissing her lips in return.
I cry when I think about the one force I did not count on. Death. And the drunk driver that smashed into us that fateful night. How could he be so stupid! To get behind the wheel and drive knowing he was not able. He took away the one thing that meant most to me. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I wipe the tears as the fall down my face. I am holding the necklace I gave you I am gonna put it in your coffin so that a bit of me will be with you in heaven until I get there. I think about how long that's going to be and I don't like it. I don't wanna wait but what can I do about that? Frank interrupts my thoughts and tells me it's time to go down to the funeral. I wipe my face and follow him out the door. The service is unbearable. I can barely concentrate my mind is still reeling. The guys all say something and it was touching. Then it was my turn I go up and stare into the crowd. I had written down what I wanted to say but I could not read it. I look back out and I can't see any faces my eyes are blurred by tears. I blink them gone and start to speak. My voice was shaking and my eyes watered. I never showed so much emotion. When I was done I sat and rested my face in my hands and sobbed. After I went to your coffin and looked at you lying so peacefully almost like your asleep. I cry harder when I place the necklace around your neck. I look once more at your loving face and kissed your lips and saw my tears fall on your skin. I whisper in your ear.
"I love you Winter," I lean back up and let them lower your casket. I throw one white rose on top. I head back to the car and sit quietly in the back consumed with grief. Frank tells me no matter what he would always be around if I wanted to talk. I smile as all the guys made their way to me to tell me it will be alright. Mikey says I will see her again, Bob gives me a hug that surprised me Bob was not one for hugs. Gerard said you were in a better place. I did not agree. How could it be better if I'm not with you. I stormed back to the bathroom with angry tears in my eyes. I hated not having you here it burned in my heart knowing I can't hold you anymore can't kiss your soft lips or smell your beautiful hair or gaze in your warm eyes. I cursed God for taking you from me and I cursed the man again for taking your life. I want to be with you again I want to see you smile at me once more. Then a thought occurred. There was one way I can see you. I raise my hand and crash it into the mirror. Shards fly everywhere and blood flows from my hand where the mirror cut it. I wince at the pain slightly and pick up a shard and raise it to my arm. I touch it lightly to the skin and begin breathing in and out heavily. This is it Winter I'm doing this for you I'm coming for you.
"Stop!"
A small voice in my head says. I think for a second. What am I doing? Is this really gonna solve anything? Winter is in heaven if I kill myself I most certainly won't be going there. I look at the shard at my arm and drop it. This is not right Winter would want me to go on live my life for me and her now. Fresh tears of sorrow and guilt flood my eyes. I'm sorry Winter I just miss you so much and wanted to be with you again I let my grief overwhelm my common sense. if I did this to me I would hurt everyone who wanted to help me my family and my band and most importantly you.
"I love you Ray," that voice whispers. I stop and my heart pumps faster. You Winter? You are the voice that told me to stop? I marvel In how you are watching me, protecting me. You are my guardian angel and I love you too. I suddenly got a warm sensation through my body. I know it will be alright and in a way we will grow old together and spend many winters together for you are with me if not in body but in spirit watching me for always till the day I will join you and we will be together. I love you winter.