I Don't Believe You

What do you do when you lose the one you love most?

What do you do when it’s your fault?

How do you move on?

You don’t. I had learned that the hard way.

Everything in your life from that moment afterward is what you live in. There is no life before the incident, only after and how to cope. By cope, I mean to wallow in the feeling of dread pitted in your body and mind, only hoping it could pass with time; reliving in the sacred moments of when they were alive.

As selfish as it seems, I sometimes wish I had never met him.

Bullshit.

I love him. No use in trying to buy the lies I feed myself. Lying never solves anything. Not now and not then.

<<RW<<

The grasses swayed in different rhythms, crashing into one another, never deciding on one direction. Like me.

I wandered around in the peaceful waves, not really sure of a purpose. Not really thinking, just being.

After wandering for a bit, I decided to rest in a clearing by the woods. My eyes inhaled darkness as I settled into the thick grass. Unfortunately, not long after I was startled by something that brushed my arm. “Excuse me, but are you alright?”

The boy that stood above me appeared relatively close to my age. Handsome, I’ll give him that, but he was a sickly pale color I had never before witnessed. And he was skinny. Like the pale skin, it was unusual. “Miss, I asked if you were alright.” Oh yeah. I sat up slowly, still studying him.

“Been better, I guess.” He nodded. His eyes were now gleaming.

“Has anyone ever told you, you have the voice of an angel?” Either he’s hitting on me, or he’s trying to be funny. But when I took a closer look his eyes held seriousness. My eyebrows huddled.

“Not until now, why do you say that?”

Shrugging, he turned and started to walk away, towards the cemetery. Peculiar boy. I stood and followed him. “Tell me your name.”

I opened my mouth to speak, and then closed it. What’s it to him anyway? “Sorry, that was blunt. I was just wondering,” he said.

He stopped at the gate and turned his head to the side a tad as if he expected me to say something.

Fine. “Ellamae. Ellie for short.”

I could see half his smile and upturned eyes. I swore I heard him say something, but his lips didn’t seem to move. He pushed through the gate, and stopped before closing it behind him. “Coming?”

Maybe this is why I was here.

I nodded and took his path through the gates. Walking in silence, I matched his pace as we combed the small cemetery. The crunch of the gravel under our shoes deafened the silence. He was looking for something or someone in particular. He noticeably began to reach a higher frustration level until we came across a blocky stone with one simple word on it. Jonas. He kneeled before it, brushing his fingertips down the front and into the engraved letters, stopping when his ring finger caught on the bottom of the S. “How did you know him?”

He didn’t answer; his face remained blank for a few short seconds until it slowly gained a sense of pain. “Was he a friend,” I asked cautiously.

“It doesn’t matter, he’s gone now.”

He remained on the ground, head down, and left his hand on the tombstone. I placed my hand on his shoulder before telling him I was sorry.

“Me too.”

We sat side by side as the boy cried silent tears of regret with the pained look plastered on his face.

I didn’t know what to do. I haven’t witnessed real emotion since God knows when. “Sorry, I must seem pathetic, just meeting you and all. It’s just, it was my entire fault and it didn’t even need to happen. I am such a dumbass. He was trying to save me and-and . . .”

It brought tears to my own eyes to see this broken boy in front of me bawling his eyes out. It was one of those awkward moments where you’re not quite sure what you should do: sit there and wait for the tears to subside, or comfort him. “I know this might be a silly question, but do you mind if I hug you?”

He laughed a little. “Go right ahead.”

I figured he needed a break from what he was dealing with. While in the embrace, I asked, “Even though I don’t know your name, I was wondering if you wanted to come to my birthday party tomorrow?”

He pulled back and looked down smiling gently. “Maybe next year.”

“Do you have plans, or –“

“- Yeah, I have plans. But if you come by here tomorrow, I’ll wish you a happy birthday.”

Great, another person who ‘can’t come’. “Sure, I’ll see you then.”

He smiled softly again and watched me walk out the gate before calling out to me, “It’s Jason, Jay for short.”

I laughed and he continued to watch me pick my way around the cemetery and into the woods.

“Sounds just like her.” Shaking his head, he leaned back on the grave and slowly fell asleep to the sounds of field grasses swaying behind him.

>>FF>>

I sat in front of the block stone silently, the flowers on the dew in front of me. Hopefully I wouldn’t have to wait too much longer. I hugged my knees closer to my chest in attempt to keep the nippy air away from my vulnerable heart. Tonight, Jason had told me to wait. That was it. So here I am; waiting.

This unfortunately is not my forte. I leaned against the marble. Chilling at first but warmed to my touch. In the distance I could hear rocks popping from underneath a car traveling up the road. I sat up. Hardly anyone comes here at this time of night.

The sound got closer and more profound with passing time. All of a sudden, headlights danced in my eyes and across my face before settling in the distance and vanishing. The popping stopped and the engine cut.

Silence.

My breath was caught in my throat. I couldn’t move. He wanted me to meet someone? No. No way was he dragging me into some kind of messed up way to meet his parents or something absurd along those lines. The door to the car opened. I scampered behind a relatively big tombstone so I could still see the Jonas stone. Not exactly to my surprise, only one person rose out of the car and shut the door rather quite. Another car door was opened slightly after and a pitter patter followed the footsteps that closed in on the cemetery.

Concentrating on remaining still as possible, I didn’t look up even when I heard someone stop a few feet from my hiding spot; the pitter-patter still vibrating in my stomach. A sniffing sound pierced the last of the silence and almost knocked me backwards. I felt something wet on my hand. My eyes tightened with anticipation. It licked me. Wonderful. A dog.

The boy kneeled into the grass and looked at the flower I had left behind. He picked it up, bringing it to his nose. The broadness of his shoulders rose and fell slowly, before wiping a tear from his eye.

And of course all the while the dog kept nudging my arm. I looked down at the sad looking thing and reached out to pet him.

“Where to begin.” The boy spoke. He shook his head once before fully sitting down. “You’re missing a lot, man. And I’m sorry I haven’t visited like I thought I would. I just,” I could hear him take in a ragged breath. Even in the darkness, I could see a small glisten on his face, but he refused to let it show through his voice.

“I just wish you were here with us again.”

The dog left my side and accompanied his owner. He licked the side of his face before resting his head on the boys lap. His hand rested on top of the dogs head, shaking his own. He continued talking, “You’re never going to believe why I’m here. If you knew, you’d probably tell mom and dad, and then throw me in an institution or something. ”

I looked down, feeling the same exact way. Except my parents always thought I was off my rocker. They always say I’m “Never fully with it,” but it’s not as if I ever minded. I think it’s better not to be though; it gives life a little surprise here and there, a little more excitement I guess.

The breeze picked up a bit, and blew through my hair, chilling my neck. Suddenly I had this nagging in my stomach. I felt like I wanted to puke. My head found its way to the tombstone, and I started to focus on breathing again. I had to stay calm; I couldn’t have another breakdown and stay hidden at the same time.

Before anything else happened, the dog jumped out of its owners lap and trotted over to me, sitting down before its nose touched my face. I guess it had sensed my anxiety and wanted to help. To be honest, if the dog doesn’t move, it’ll see my anxiety all over its nice clean fur. “Elvis? What did you find there?”

Awesome. Totally, and inevitably awesome. This probably sums up my whole life. Full of awesomely unnecessary events that never seem to stop occurring when I want them too most.

The boy stood up. The only thing I could think to do was pretend to be asleep. By the time he reached me, I had managed to settle myself down and focused on convincing him I’m a girl passed out in a cemetery. The wet grass crawling under my jacket and up my shirt was not helping me. I shivered. Shit.

His hand went to my shoulder to ‘shake me awake’. My eyes traveled to his tired and paled face. “Excuse me, but are you alright?”

I almost hit my head on the tombstone I pulled away from him so rapidly. I could barely talk. “What,” asked in a hushed tone, pushing my back flat against the stone.

He looked concerned. “Miss, I asked if you were alright.”

Is he trying to give me a heart attack? It’s Jason all over again. This is why he brought me here. What in the hell is going on?

“No.” I shakily stood up. “Who are you? What are you doing here?”

Standing in front of me uncomfortably, he cocked his head to the side and looked down at his dog. “My name is Nick. I’m . . . visiting my brother. Who are you?”

Ignoring almost everything he said, I asked, “Do you know Jason, too then?”

He gave me the same look my parents do when I ask weird, unwanted questions. “Who are you?”

“I’m uh,” I didn’t feel inclined to tell him, but I wanted to tell him something. “I’m a friend of Jay’s. My name is Ellamae; Ellie for short.”

The wind started to pick up again and I shivered once more. He bit his lip and looked at his dog again. “Do you want to talk in my car? It’s cold out here.”

I raised my eyebrows in skepticism. He laughed. “I’ll even give you the keys to ensure I won’t take you anywhere.”

Sighing I agreed.

Well Jason, you got what you wanted.

Now what?