I Don't Believe You

Sometimes, in life, you just need to let go and forget about the past and future.

Occasionally, you need to focus on what’s in front of you, instead of regretting and worrying.

Maybe, this was the type of mind set Nick had brought upon me while we conversed in his car with his golden dog in the back seat. I stared at my pale ceiling while under my fat, feather-filled, comforter. My body, clad in a tank top and shorts, still had a thin layer of goose bumps from the walk around the house and in the back door. I tried looking back on the night, but my thoughts seemed frozen, grasping for understanding. I didn’t know where to begin or how to stop. It was a mad mess I needed to sort through before I could even chose an answer to replay to Nick through text. I’ve never really used my cell phone. Never needed to, but I had one nonetheless. I guess now I’ll have a use for it.

Sighing, I sat up in bed and stripped the sheet and comforter from my body. Slowly, without taking the sheet with it, I dragged the comforter along with me on my short trip to the simple love seat in the corner of my room. My naked feet stumbling across wooden floor cause more goose bumps to ripple up my legs and back. Bundling myself from the neck down, I sat. The white couch faced my large uncovered window at an angle. The few glimpses of sunlight washed itself across my face as I inhaled the sweet scent of the water lily candle that was lit on my dresser across the room. Comfort washed through me for the second time that night, and I suddenly wished I had another chance to talk to Nick. He actually made me feel like I had a life worth living. Taking another deep breath, I lay my head down on the arm of the couch and tried to recall everything we had talked about no less than an hour ago.

<<RR<<

We sat in his car studying each other, wondering if the other could be trusted. I was surprised when his eyes never traveled south. Kudos, you are not like the other 90% of the boy population on the planet.

I looked around. The car was nice. Clean. How old is this kid? He certainly doesn’t look his age. After I started his car, cranked the heat, and cleared my throat a bit, I spoke. “So what did you want to talk about?”

He shrugged and glanced back at his rather large puppy, which was sleeping, taking up the whole back seat. “I was just wondering how you knew Jay.” He looked a little anxious; as if he thought I would jump out of the car at the question.

Hell, I don’t really blame him considering I probably would have if I were with anyone else. I figured he had a right to know. I mean, Jay was involved with his brother’s death. But I didn’t want to tell him just yet. “I’d, um, rather you tell me how you know him first, if you don’t mind.” I gave him a small smile. He nodded as if he understood. “Well, he is my cousin. We were about the same age. I was with him the day he and my brother died. I was pretty close to him, considering how far away we lived from each other. He was at my house for a visit that summer. We were out back swimming…”

He stopped and kept fiddling with his hands, refusing to look me in the eyes. “You don’t have to say anything else. I know what happened. He’s sorry, you know. He regrets everything. He didn’t mean for it to end that way.”

“Well, it did. And his apology can’t take it back. Nothing can take it back. Nothing.” The strength in his voice nearly broke my heart in two. He had to deal with the deaths of two people who were close to him. Even though it happened a little over two years ago, it was still tearing him apart.

I could already feel the connection we had, just because of the similar experience we went through. We knew, to an extent, what the other was going through and also knew that a “sorry” wasn’t needed to be exchanged. “I meet him right over there, in the field behind the graveyard, about two years ago.”

He gave me a look. He seemed relieved and scared and confused all at once. “I know, you probably think I’m a lunatic, but I’m not. I’m just lucky, I guess.”

“How so?”

“I got to meet an amazing person, even after their life on Earth was cut short. I visited him every day I could, and he helped me with my problems, when they arose, in return. He’s the best person I know, and it’s my fault I can’t see him anymore. I’ve been an absolute mess since he’s been gone.”

I stopped talking, and Nick didn’t press me to say anything else. Though he had on the same expression as before, understanding slowly set in as well. “He’s talked to me once after his death too. It was in a dream. He told me it would help him if I visited Joe’s grave. So I came here, not wanting to ‘upset the dead’.”

“What? Really?”

He glanced up at me before responding. “Yeah, why?”

My fingertips rubbed my tiring eyes and I leaned my head against the head rest. “He told me the same”

Nick inhaled loudly and leaned against the window. His eyes were squinted, which brought his eyebrows down with the skin. It was silent then; only Elvis’ heavy, quick breaths were heard in the car. I leaned back as well, and studied Nick’s face again; only to stop when his gaze met mine. “Do you suppose, he was trying to set us up? Like, to help each other out? You’re a mess from him being gone, and I’m still told that I need to stop grieving over something that happened so long ago.”

My pursed lips moved to the side. The possibility grew greater in my mind as I pondered the idea.

“Maybe. But don’t you think that’s a tad weird?”

He raised an eyebrow at me. “You just told me you met my cousin after he died, and you think that him hooking us up is weird?” He shook his head before speaking again, “Ok, maybe it is a bit weird. But you know what? I say we make him happy and just go along with his little plan."

I laughed a little. “Sounds good to me.”

The silence settled around us again. I looked at the clock on the dash board. 5:18. My dad would be up soon. “I better get going. My parents don’t know I’m out.”

“You’re not the only one. . . But before you go, type in your number so we can keep in touch,” He said while grabbing his phone from the middle cup holder. I slowly typed my number into the touch screen phone, making sure it was correct, before passing it back. I smiled and opened the car door to let the cold suck me out. “See you later Nick.” He nodded before I shut the door and walked over to my ford to begin the short drive home.

>>FF>>

The phone in my hands still had Nick’s text opened and staring at me. I hit reply and began typing an agreement to meet the next day. Same time, same place.