The Missing Frame
Prologue
Prologue
I take the bottle in my hands and raise it to my lips.
This routine is repetitive, yes, but it helps heal me on the inside.
It kills my pain for a little while, and the more I drink, the farther away it gets.
Cutting is so much more harmful, and besides that, I have ruined It because my friends have seen my cuts.
Being sober is like death itself, the injuries inside me bleed open and form a giant puddle in my brain until it becomes clear and I can see its picture.
Most of the time, it’s you.
You, the love of my life, the one who stole my innocence, became a part of me in many ways than one.
You ran deeper than blood to me, and you promised me the world.
Perhaps no one can read this without thinking something along the lines of “this person needs to get a life” or “there are more things in life than men”.
That is very true, I should try and get another life other than the one I have.
Men aren’t the most vital thing on the face of this earth, but just one.
Just one damn man who could obliterate my heart, bury it and spit on it, like it never meant anything to you.
True, you’ve moved on, happily loved by another woman.
I envy you really.
You can move past this like it’s just a rock in the way of your path, yet for me, it simpers and rots my soul like a black plague.
The worst thing, I suppose, is losing you forever.
Even though you told me time and time before, it wasn’t my fault.
It is my fault.
If I would have tried just a little harder, I could have kept you happy.
If I would have given you just a little more, you would have stayed with me.
You wouldn’t hate me now if I would have tried a little harder at everything.
I put my all into our love, and I know somehow, you must have too.
But when it was all over, you told people lies and ended up making yourself look like the bad guy, yet you blamed me for it.
Why would you tell someone one thing and then someone else another?
Why not just tell the truth like it was?
You changed and I didn’t make you happy.
That was all you had to say.
Is it just because you like to pull pity from others?
Is that what you want?
You used to be that way, trying to get people to feel sorry for you because you simply couldn’t feel sorry for yourself anymore.
I don’t understand why.
I used to get so scared that you would leave me.
You were always depressed and I would always be there to listen to you, yet you never tried to talk to me.
You even tried to kill yourself while you were with me, and you have no idea how worthless that made me feel!
That’s why I believe it was all my fault.
People can think I’m the bad guy now.
I honestly don’t care because most people hate me anyway.
You even lied to me about your brain tumor.
You told me you would die soon, but you didn’t want me to cry about it?
You expected me to move on when you did die?
And come to find out, it was just another lie.
That hurt more than believing I might actually have lost you to it; if in fact it had been the truth.
Do you thrive in a sick world of self inflicted pain and sorrow?
Why did you always have so much on your mind?
Why couldn’t you talk to people about it?
I understood you for awhile, until most of what you said were lies and then I wasn’t sure if I could believe you or not.
I’m sure you felt that way the first time we had problems, and I don’t blame you.
But I never lied about a lot, I honestly told you everything.
How is it that I could love someone so far gone, that they wouldn’t even be considered as part of the living?
But part of the dead?
“You can’t be serious,” I mumble into the phone, my heart pounds and my tear ducts are close to their bursting point.
“Yeah…Babes, I’m so sorry…But that’s what he told me…I don’t even feel like I can talk to him anymore…He’s changed so much,” Angel whispers; she sounds just as upset as I am.
“Why?” is all I can say.
“I don’t know…If that’s all he wanted the whole time, why did he stick around for so long?” she sounds hopeless, as if she wishes she could do more for me.
“He just used me…All this time,” I feel the sharp sting of the moment, the raw reality in it.
“That’s what he said…You have no idea how badly I wanted to jump through the computer and kick his ass,” she confides angrily.
I am completely thrown off guard.
First the news of his new girl, and now this.
I think back to what my other best friend Melanie had said when I was told about his fiancé.
“A few months ago, would you even think of this happening?”
She had been just as shocked as I was then and now.
Honestly, no.
I would never have thought this would happen.
I figured we would get married, have a few kids, and grow old together.
My dream life ever since the day I told him I loved him.
“Babes, are you there?” Angel asks me.
“Yeah…I’m here,” I feel so let down.
“Don’t let him get to you. He’s prolly just trying to pull something outta ya. He wants to hurt you…But if you let him, he wins,” she tells me.
“I’m not gonna let him win,” I say, my eyes are straight forward.
My mind is spinning and behind it is the beginning of the mental armor I now shroud over myself.
This is when it all begins.
“What’s wrong, baby?” he holds my hand as we walk down the driveway of my house.
We usually walked when he visited; it was always a perfect time for us to be alone for once and out from under my parents and sisters.
“Why do you love me?”
“Because baby…You’re awesome. There’s no one else like you.”
“I’m so much younger than you….You could get in trouble….And there’s always a chance that you will find a girl your age and you can see her more,” I stress to him.
The thought was always bouncing around in my head.
He is eighteen and I am only fifteen.
“Baby…” he stops walking and takes me in his big arms.
That was one of things I’d grown to become so attached to and missed sorely when he wasn’t around.
He had arms that could hold you until you finally felt safe again.
“I’m not going anywhere…I promise I will never leave you. Ever,” his eyes are strong and I believe him.
“You mean more to me than anything….I knew you a lot less than I knew Devon before we dated, yet I loved you more than her…Why can’t you just see that?” he kisses me gently, and I cling to him.
Why couldn’t I believe him?
Was it just my mind trying to show me the bigger picture?
We continue on our walk, and come to a bridge.
We swing our legs as we sit and talk and stare at the creek tumbling over the tiny rocks in the bottom, continuing deeper into the woods until it disappears beyond sight.
“How do you really feel about me going to the army?” he holds my hand in a tight grasp, taking it to his lips a few times to kiss my knuckles.
“Honestly….I don’t mind it. I mean, if it’s what you wanna do, I can’t stop you,” I look into his face, that face that is forever cherished in my mind.
“I don’t wanna leave you, baby…But I want to have money for you and I,” he says.
“I’ll be gone to college soon; there won’t be any need to worry about me,” I tell him.
I hate when he tries to push money on me, or buys me anything.
I love that he likes to get me things, but it makes me feel….Greedy.
“I’ll pay for your college. I’ll buy you anything you need because if I do this, I’ll get a lot,” he leans in and presses his mouth to mine.
I close my eyes and mold my mouth to his.
It is sad how in the near future, it’d be the one thing on my mind….
It’d be the one thing I wish I could have been thankful for in the very near future.
It kills me to know that I will no longer kiss you ever again in this life time.
I take the bottle in my hands and raise it to my lips.
This routine is repetitive, yes, but it helps heal me on the inside.
It kills my pain for a little while, and the more I drink, the farther away it gets.
Cutting is so much more harmful, and besides that, I have ruined It because my friends have seen my cuts.
Being sober is like death itself, the injuries inside me bleed open and form a giant puddle in my brain until it becomes clear and I can see its picture.
Most of the time, it’s you.
You, the love of my life, the one who stole my innocence, became a part of me in many ways than one.
You ran deeper than blood to me, and you promised me the world.
Perhaps no one can read this without thinking something along the lines of “this person needs to get a life” or “there are more things in life than men”.
That is very true, I should try and get another life other than the one I have.
Men aren’t the most vital thing on the face of this earth, but just one.
Just one damn man who could obliterate my heart, bury it and spit on it, like it never meant anything to you.
True, you’ve moved on, happily loved by another woman.
I envy you really.
You can move past this like it’s just a rock in the way of your path, yet for me, it simpers and rots my soul like a black plague.
The worst thing, I suppose, is losing you forever.
Even though you told me time and time before, it wasn’t my fault.
It is my fault.
If I would have tried just a little harder, I could have kept you happy.
If I would have given you just a little more, you would have stayed with me.
You wouldn’t hate me now if I would have tried a little harder at everything.
I put my all into our love, and I know somehow, you must have too.
But when it was all over, you told people lies and ended up making yourself look like the bad guy, yet you blamed me for it.
Why would you tell someone one thing and then someone else another?
Why not just tell the truth like it was?
You changed and I didn’t make you happy.
That was all you had to say.
Is it just because you like to pull pity from others?
Is that what you want?
You used to be that way, trying to get people to feel sorry for you because you simply couldn’t feel sorry for yourself anymore.
I don’t understand why.
I used to get so scared that you would leave me.
You were always depressed and I would always be there to listen to you, yet you never tried to talk to me.
You even tried to kill yourself while you were with me, and you have no idea how worthless that made me feel!
That’s why I believe it was all my fault.
People can think I’m the bad guy now.
I honestly don’t care because most people hate me anyway.
You even lied to me about your brain tumor.
You told me you would die soon, but you didn’t want me to cry about it?
You expected me to move on when you did die?
And come to find out, it was just another lie.
That hurt more than believing I might actually have lost you to it; if in fact it had been the truth.
Do you thrive in a sick world of self inflicted pain and sorrow?
Why did you always have so much on your mind?
Why couldn’t you talk to people about it?
I understood you for awhile, until most of what you said were lies and then I wasn’t sure if I could believe you or not.
I’m sure you felt that way the first time we had problems, and I don’t blame you.
But I never lied about a lot, I honestly told you everything.
How is it that I could love someone so far gone, that they wouldn’t even be considered as part of the living?
But part of the dead?
“You can’t be serious,” I mumble into the phone, my heart pounds and my tear ducts are close to their bursting point.
“Yeah…Babes, I’m so sorry…But that’s what he told me…I don’t even feel like I can talk to him anymore…He’s changed so much,” Angel whispers; she sounds just as upset as I am.
“Why?” is all I can say.
“I don’t know…If that’s all he wanted the whole time, why did he stick around for so long?” she sounds hopeless, as if she wishes she could do more for me.
“He just used me…All this time,” I feel the sharp sting of the moment, the raw reality in it.
“That’s what he said…You have no idea how badly I wanted to jump through the computer and kick his ass,” she confides angrily.
I am completely thrown off guard.
First the news of his new girl, and now this.
I think back to what my other best friend Melanie had said when I was told about his fiancé.
“A few months ago, would you even think of this happening?”
She had been just as shocked as I was then and now.
Honestly, no.
I would never have thought this would happen.
I figured we would get married, have a few kids, and grow old together.
My dream life ever since the day I told him I loved him.
“Babes, are you there?” Angel asks me.
“Yeah…I’m here,” I feel so let down.
“Don’t let him get to you. He’s prolly just trying to pull something outta ya. He wants to hurt you…But if you let him, he wins,” she tells me.
“I’m not gonna let him win,” I say, my eyes are straight forward.
My mind is spinning and behind it is the beginning of the mental armor I now shroud over myself.
This is when it all begins.
“What’s wrong, baby?” he holds my hand as we walk down the driveway of my house.
We usually walked when he visited; it was always a perfect time for us to be alone for once and out from under my parents and sisters.
“Why do you love me?”
“Because baby…You’re awesome. There’s no one else like you.”
“I’m so much younger than you….You could get in trouble….And there’s always a chance that you will find a girl your age and you can see her more,” I stress to him.
The thought was always bouncing around in my head.
He is eighteen and I am only fifteen.
“Baby…” he stops walking and takes me in his big arms.
That was one of things I’d grown to become so attached to and missed sorely when he wasn’t around.
He had arms that could hold you until you finally felt safe again.
“I’m not going anywhere…I promise I will never leave you. Ever,” his eyes are strong and I believe him.
“You mean more to me than anything….I knew you a lot less than I knew Devon before we dated, yet I loved you more than her…Why can’t you just see that?” he kisses me gently, and I cling to him.
Why couldn’t I believe him?
Was it just my mind trying to show me the bigger picture?
We continue on our walk, and come to a bridge.
We swing our legs as we sit and talk and stare at the creek tumbling over the tiny rocks in the bottom, continuing deeper into the woods until it disappears beyond sight.
“How do you really feel about me going to the army?” he holds my hand in a tight grasp, taking it to his lips a few times to kiss my knuckles.
“Honestly….I don’t mind it. I mean, if it’s what you wanna do, I can’t stop you,” I look into his face, that face that is forever cherished in my mind.
“I don’t wanna leave you, baby…But I want to have money for you and I,” he says.
“I’ll be gone to college soon; there won’t be any need to worry about me,” I tell him.
I hate when he tries to push money on me, or buys me anything.
I love that he likes to get me things, but it makes me feel….Greedy.
“I’ll pay for your college. I’ll buy you anything you need because if I do this, I’ll get a lot,” he leans in and presses his mouth to mine.
I close my eyes and mold my mouth to his.
It is sad how in the near future, it’d be the one thing on my mind….
It’d be the one thing I wish I could have been thankful for in the very near future.
It kills me to know that I will no longer kiss you ever again in this life time.
♠ ♠ ♠
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