Heartbreak Is Falling in Love Again.

My mind was Blank for the first time in a long time. I didn’t want to think of anything. My brother had been in an accident, and I certainly didn’t want to think of that. So I sat in the hospital chair waiting day in and day out for him to wake up. I wanted to walk into his room and see his eyes open; I didn’t want him in a coma. I skipped school, I never left the hospital. My mom was worried, she doesn’t think it’s healthy for me but she brings me food and clothes anyways.
It’s been 3 days since the accident; the doctor says she doesn’t know if he’s going to be okay, that he needs to wake up first. I hate that stupid drunk driver the guy who was speeding through the parking lot while my brother was trying to pull out. I hate that guy for swerving around that corner so fast and I hate him for getting behind that stupid wheel. I also hate him for coming out of the car with only a few scratches while my brother might end up dead.
He’s in jail for now; he’ll be out soon though. For right now I’m trying not to think of anything. But I can’t help it. I start crying thick heavy tears; I want him to wake up. I want to be able to see him, and today I was going to.
The nurse walks over to me and I stand up. She points to the room he’s in and nods to let me know I’m aloud in now. The only words she said were … “He isn’t awake yet.” How much I hated those words, you would never know.
I walk into his room and see him hooked up to machines, I hate seeing this. I walk over and sit in the chair beside his bed and take his hand into mine. And I pray. I pray for him, for everything he did for me, I pray because I want him alive, because I believe that god won’t take him away from me. He won’t take my best friend away, he can’t! The tears don’t stop, quickly running down the sides of my face.
“Please, please, please Justin. Wake up for me please. I can’t lose you, you’re my best friend.” He didn’t wake up. He was just laying there hopeless. I continue anyways. “Justin if you can hear me listen to me okay. You need to wake up, you can’t leave mom and I here alone. We need you, I need you. I love you Justin, please don’t slip away from me.” My tears were dropping one by one on his hand that was placed in mine.
Someone walked in so I looked up. It was Dakota. I nodded to her to come in and she sat in the chair beside me. I moved my hand over a little bit so that she could touch his hand too. We both sat there in silence crying into each other.
I woke up first and walked over to the window. It was light outside, the sky was blue and the sun was bright, except it had snowed. The first snowfall of the year, the last day of November. The snow glittered with the sun and the trees swayed with the wind. It was beautiful.
Dakota had woken up and had came and stood beside me. We starred out the window in silence. It wasn’t long before my mom walked in and told me yet again that I should go home. I protested, and again she let me stay. The nurses kept on telling me that I wasn’t aloud to stay here after visiting hours, but I argued with them and got my way.
My mom came back with some McDonalds and I was very grateful for the change. She usually just brought me home cooked meals, and I was dieing for some fast food. It was now the fourth day and even though I argued earlier; I knew that I should go home for a while. I ate, and then I grabbed my stuff and so did Dakota and we all left together.
My mom drove Dakota home first and then dropped me off before going to work. I knew that I should have stayed with Dakota. She needed me just as much as I needed her. But I just wanted to be alone. And I knew she understood. She wasn’t there the night of the party, her and her dad drove to midland, and Justin had gotten there late. After the fight with Chris. He left around 1:30 and that’s when it happened.
I checked the messages on my cell phone. I had 12. The first one was from Chris.
“Okay look I know we fought and broke up, but I’m really sorry about you’re brother. Last night was horrible for everyone. Give me a call okay, we really need to talk.” Beep.
The second was from Dakota stating that she was on her way home from midland and would be coming to see Justin in the hospital as soon as she could. The third and fourth were from Trevor, also saying he was coming to the hospital. This was yesterday. The fifth, sixth, and seventh, were from Cole. He said he was here for me and if I needed to talk give him a call. The last five were from Drew. He said that he was sorry, and to call him as soon as I got the messages.
I didn’t want to talk to anybody really, but I needed to get out. So I dialed in the familiar number and asked for Cole. He came to the phone and we talked for a bit, I told him that I wanted to get out of the house. But I didn’t feel like talking to Drew, or Dakota. He agreed to meet me in the forest just down the street.
I walked over and saw him standing there in his jeans and jacket. He looked very comfortable. It was cold outside, but not the coldest. It was negative 1, but it’s been worse in the winter. Try negative 30. I walk over to him and he hugs me; I hug him back.
“How are you holding up?” He asks concern in his voice.
“Not to well, I just got home from the hospital today.” I didn’t know Cole well, but he was comfortable to be around. We went for a walk through the forest and talked. It had been around an hour. It was a good thing I had brought gloves and a scarf because it seemed to be getting colder outside. He cheered me up a bit, and we flirted a lot, just as friends though. I know that sounds hard to believe. On our way back home I picked up a snow ball and threw it at his back. He turned around and playfully tackled me to the ground. We were rolling around in the snow laughing at everything. The snow was cold and seeping through my pants, but at the moment I really didn’t care. I hadn’t had this much fun in a really long time. He got up and then helped me up, and we finished our walk back to his house. Laughing and play fighting the whole way there. I took a quick look up at Drew’s bedroom window, and a wave of guilt washed over me. I was no longer laughing. I started to think about Drew and how I was hanging out with his brother, being friendly. The thing that he might not ever understand if he knew about us hanging out is that I don’t like Cole as anything more then a friend. He’s really comforting to be around, like a friend should be. With Drew it’s different, he’s comforting but I still get butterflies. After I thought about how much I liked Drew, and how much I wasn’t doing wrong, the guilt was gone and I was back to laughing again. My cell phone rang and my mom said I needed to be home for dinner. So I left and walked home, after saying goodbye. Today was something I needed; it was something that took my mind off of Justin. I liked today; it was fun. I walked into my house took off my uggs, gloves, scarf, and jacket and made my way to the kitchen. My mom smiled half heartedly at me when she saw me walk in. She was still upset about Justin and believe me, so was I. She didn’t exactly tell me what had happened like a mother should, but she was upset so I forgave her for it. The kitchen smelled good, and there sitting on the table was my moms special lasagna. I ate so quickly that my stomach ached a bit after. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was and how much my stomach could hold. My mom sat across from me finishing up her plate full. I looked over at my brother’s usual spot, and I felt the water prickle behind my eyelashes. I missed him so much. When my mom finished eating she took both my plate and hers and put them in the dish washer and returned back to her seat. I could feel a conversation coming on. “You’re brother woke up.” She said at once. My heart filled with joy and I got up to run to the door so that I could get to the hospital at once. But her face didn’t look too joyful, so I sat back down. The joy in my face erased again. “The doctor said he isn’t aloud visitors right now. They’re doing tests on him, and questioning him. There is a chance he might die.” The tears started up again and I ran to the door. “HONEY! You can’t go see him.” She yelled. “He’s the closest person I have to me mom, I need to see him.” And then I grabbed my car keys, ran out the door, and got into my Jeep. I put the key in the ignition and backed out of the driveway. It didn’t take me long to get to the hospital, I parked my car, got out and ran inside. The first person I saw was Justin’s nurse. “Is he going to be okay?” I asked panic striking through my voice. She didn’t answer. “IS HE?” I yelled. The colour from her faced was drained. “I don’t know.” She said very quietly. “They’re doing tests on him right now; there is a good chance he might not make it.” I started balling right then and there. She looked at me and said. “I’m sure he’ll be fine, he’s a strong boy.” I didn’t say anything I just nodded and pushed past her until I got to my brothers room. I looked through his room window and saw that there was no one there. I gave the glass a quick tap and he looked over at me. I was crying still and I could see that he was more concerned about me then himself. I walked into his room, even though it was clear that I wasn’t aloud to see him. “I’m going to be okay.” He promised. “I just don’t think I can play hockey for a while.” I sat down in the chair I sat at last time and once again placed his hand in mine. He looked like he was going to be in good shape soon. This gave me hope. Beep. Beep. Beep. The alarm clock rings, it’s like an annoying bee just buzzing around your ears making that horrible ringing noise. I place my hand on the clock and press snooze.

Ring. Beep. Ring. Beep. The snooze alarm is even worse then my regular alarm. I sit up on my bed and press the button that turns off the alarm. I read the clock. 6:30. it’s so early, but at least I have a snooze button that lets me sleep in a half hour longer. I sit up and the first thing I think of is my brother, the doctors said the tests went well and that he was going to be okay. He was just knocked out. Surprisingly he only has a broken arm and 2 broken ribs. Once they heel he should be able to play hockey very soon. So now that I know for a fact that Justin is going to be okay. I’m actually going to go to school now. It’s been a week and 3 days now since he was put into the hospital and I’m starting off my Tuesday morning with good thoughts. 2nd week of December I think I’ll wear my bootleg dark denim jeans, with a nice comfy green sweater from guess. I walk over to my closet get the sweater I want out and then get my jeans from my dresser. I change into them and then go to the bathroom. I put on eyeliner, mascara, cover up, and eye shadow. I do my hair the way I usually do it. This takes a long time, but I rush it as usual. It looks better when it’s a little bit messy and not totally perfect anyways. I hear a honk and run downstairs to meet Drew, who is now the one who drives me to school. I put on my Uggs, grab my coat and gloves and walk outside into the cold weather. Ick more snow. I see Drew’s car and walk over to it, then I see his hand usher me to get in, so I do. We talked a bit and then it felt like a second before we arrived at school. He parked his car and then we got out. I scanned the parking lot to see if Dakota had come, but no sign of her anywhere. Suddenly I spotted something I really wished wasn’t there; Chris’s car. And then I remembered that my locker was next to his. I hadn’t talked to him since the night of the party, and although he called several times. I didn’t bother to answer to him. Today was going to be a confusing day.

I walk into the school and Drew tells me that he’ll meet me in class. So I walk over to my locker alone. I peek around the corner closest to my locker and don’t see him anywhere. So I walk over to it and enter my three-digit lock combination, still no Chris. I have math first, so I grab my math books and shut my locker door.

My throat sinks down to my stomach, and all the pain comes back to me. Seeing him there in front of me. I’m already late for class, so I have no excuse except that I’m late for class, which he won’t give a shit about. I turn to walk away but he grabs my arm and stops me in my tracks.

“Kimberly, can we just talk about this?” Chris asks in a low, innocent voice. As if I’m buying into that one.

“The talking is done Chris, I heard what you thought about me, and honestly I don’t need you in my life.” I say trying to keep my voice from cracking.

“You don’t need me? I don’t believe that at all.” His tone is becoming harsh.

“Trust me Chris I don’t need you, besides I have someone new. Someone that isn’t you, someone that will keep me happy all the time.” I say not sure if that was a mistake or not.

“Like who? That…” he was cut off by a familiar voice.

“Like me.” I turn around and see him standing there, someone I didn’t expect to see.

“So you’re playing the brothers now?” He said. “Wow that’s pathetic.”

“You know what, you stay away from her. Get over the fact that she is no longer with you.” And then he grabbed my arm and walked me to class.

Once we got there I turned and looked at him.

“Thanks for the save Cole, but you do know that now we have to act like a couple every time he’s around.” I said my tone a little scratchy.

“We are going to have to explain this to Drew before it gets around.” He said, and I nodded in agreement. Then he kissed me on the cheek and walked away. The only words after that were “I’ll meet you at your locker before your next class, bring Drew with you.”

I walked into class – late – and the teacher Mr.Banner tells me to take my seat and catch up on the 10 minutes I missed. So I did exactly that, I sat and took notes and glanced at Drew with big smiles from time to time. Then the bell went and it was time to go to my next class, which I also had with Drew. Science. In that class we sat right beside each other and I could hardly wait. Except that I need to bring him to my locker.

“Drew.” I say to him as he comes and stands by my side. “Come with me alright.” So he follows me asking questions like “what is going on?” and “what is this about?” I don’t answer him I just grip onto his wrist tightly, and rush him to my locker.

By now he was holding my hand instead and you’d never guess whom we ran into. That stupid boy who always shows up at the right place in the wrong time. Chris. He looked at me blankly and then walked right in front of us, stopping me in my tracks. SHIT!

“So it’s true, you are playing them both.” Chris says a mean satisfied tone to his voice. Drew just stands there and looks at me with confusion in his eyes.

“No I’m not, Cole is my boyfriend okay. Just leave me alone.” I didn’t want to say it, but part of me did. I liked calling him my boyfriend. But the pained look Drew gave me when I said the words hurt me. I turned to him and whispered “I’ll explain later, I promise.” He still looked pained.

“So then why are you holding his brother’s hand? And why does his brother look so pained by what you just told me?” I hated Chris so much!

“Just because, now I need to get to class, I’ll have no problem not talking to you later. Bye.” And then we were running through the halls again racing to my locker. When we got there Cole was standing there arms crossed and a concerned look on his face once he saw his brothers face. He was still recovering from the news he still thought was true earlier.

“What took you so long?” Cole said. Looking at our hands still intertwined. “Should I be jealous?” he says a little laughter in his voice. “Because Weirdly I am, but we aren’t really together.” He says directing his gaze at Drew. “So calm down buddy.”

Drew let go of my hand and crossed his arms. He just starred blankly at the both of us.

“Okay so I’m just going to explain this as easily as I can. Alright?” I said then paused to look at Drew before I spoke again. “I was at my locker this morning and I got my books out, Chris wasn’t around and then he just appeared and started giving me a hard time, so I told him I had a boyfriend already, and he asked me who. And then Cole came to my rescue and told him that I was his girlfriend. And then he shut up and Cole walked me to class.

“That is the only reason that I had to say that to him on our way here. And I was going to bring you here so we could explain before it got around. But Chris beat us to it.”

Just after I was finished saying that Chris showed up at his locker, that is coincidentally next to mine. He gets the stuff that he needs out of his locker. None of us talk because he wasn’t aloud to over hear. He shuts his locker door and stares at us.

“You know I wouldn’t want to seem like I’m in kinder garden or anything, but usually dating requires passionate kisses.” Dammit, did I mention how much I hated him? Why does he always have to know where I am? “That’s what I thought. So how about you two show everyone here that you are official.”

The colour was now drained from my face. I looked at Drew and then at Cole. I didn’t want to do this, but I did so badly. I looked at Drew again and gave him an apologetic look.

“So you want us to kiss in front of everyone?” Cole asked. “This is none of your business and we don’t have anything to prove to you.”

“So you guys lied? Is that why you won’t seal the deal with a kiss?”

“We have kissed plenty of times; we just don’t need to in front of you.” I wanted Cole to win this. But somehow I knew he wouldn’t. Chris looked at his face and said this.

“Well if you kiss her now, then I’ll leave her alone, and if you don’t then your “girlfriend”” he put his fingers to make little quotations while he said the word girlfriend. “Will have me to look forward to for the rest of the year.” Hate him, hate him, and hate him.

“Fine if you’ll leave her alone we’ll prove it to you.” At these words Drew’s face drained the entire colour. Again I gave him another apologetic look.

Then without expecting it I felt Cole’s warm hands touch the side of my face. Then he tilted my chin up, and kissed me long and hard and passionate. And then we parted a while after. I was so blown away that I forgot Drew was there.

Drew’s face was flustered with anger. Ignoring the pain from his face I turned and looked at Chris. The colour was drained from his face, but it was his fault for the way Cole kissed me. If he hadn’t of said that, Cole and I wouldn’t have kissed, and both boys wouldn’t be hurt right now.

The only words Chris spoke were “Wow, I didn’t know you two were so passionate about each other.” And then he walked away. I hated that reaction because then that meant that Drew could see the passion in it as well. And no way was that good.

“What the hell was that?” Drew asked once the coast was clear and Chris was out of hearing range. I looked at Cole and then at Drew and my glance kept going back and forth between the two of them. By looking at their faces it only took me two seconds to realize that I was no longer in love with Chris. I could feel the smile stretch across my face and the two of them starred at me with blank expressions.

Drew looked like he was going to knock Cole out. The anger still showing in his face he walked away. Once he was out of hearing range Cole and I turned towards each other.

“Want to skip?” He asked. I nodded and we exited the building and we walked to the forest we always go to, to meet up. It wasn’t that cold outside; all the snow was gone and was dried up. The weather was having one of those weird days; it was eight degrees out – warm weather for December.

I sat down on the dry grass and he did the same. He was right beside me, and my heart rate was speeding up. “Wow.” I said, not sure what to say next.

“Yeah, wow.” He said back. “This doesn’t have to be weird for us, you know.” He said his voice confused.

“But it is.” I answered. I took a long pause and then started again. “It’s weird because I wanted it, I liked it, and I want more.” I didn’t want him to think I was a freak, but I had to be honest.

“I feel the same way.” He said and then he looked into my eyes. “But Drew.”

“I know.”

“What do we do?”

“I don’t know?”

He leaned in and put his hands to my face again and tilted my chin up, and kissed me more passionately then before. I pushed him away after a while. And began to speak.

“Drew’s going to be upset.” I said, knowing that I still had feelings for him, and I knew those feelings were too strong to replace.

“He’ll get over it.”

“Hopefully.” I hesitated, and then I pulled him back to me and our lips locked again.

We spent the rest of the school hours in the forest talking and kissing and having fun. I tried my best not to think of Drew, but there was always that guilt in the pit of my stomach that told me I shouldn’t be doing this to him. I still liked him; maybe loved him and I knew he’d be heart broken.

“Cole.” I said after he walked me home and was about to kiss me again. I looked at him and I’m sure he could see the guilt in my eyes.

“If you don’t want this to go anywhere, that’s fine. I know how you feel about Drew. This will just be our little secret.” His words were sharp, like he only wanted me for the day.

“No, I do want you, but I want him too, and I’m just confused. I seem to always be confused about boys. Maybe it’s just best if you don’t have anything to do with me, I just cause problems.”

“No, I like you a lot, and I want you to be happy, and if you’re confused about whom you want, then you can take the rest of your life to figure things out. I’ll be here when you need me. We don’t have to tell anyone about today, if you want to go and be with Drew then he’ll never have to know.” I started to think, and realized that I could actually fall in love with this guy. My heart is being twisted in a million different directions.

I want Cole so bad, but Drew, he’s my perfect man. I think that Cole would be a really good friend. A best friend in fact. Always looking out for me. I kissed him again, passionately for a goodbye and then he said.

“Go find Drew.”

“I’m really sorry.” I said.

“I know you are.”

“Are we still friends at least?”

“Only the best, besides it was just friends flirting for a day.” He said and then winked at me. I smiled and then I ran off my lawn and all the way to the school, where everyone was just getting in their cars to go home.

I looked around the parking lot for his car and there it was, but Drew wasn’t anywhere in site. So I ran into the school, and went through all the hallways asked a few people where he might be and a lot of them said he left just before second period. Same time as me, I ran out and then all the way to his house. I turned the corner to his street and in the distance I could see his house. Still running I ran up to his door and rang the door bell.

No answer, so I rang it again. Finally his mom answered.

“Can I help you?” she asked strictly.

“Is – Drew – home?” I say out of breath.

“No he’s still at school.”

“Okay thank you.” I ran off her lawn and down the road it took me a half-hour to run to his house from the school, and he wasn’t even home. Then I decided that I’d just go to the school and wait by his car because he had to go get it eventually. And so did Cole.

A million thoughts ran through my head. Should I just wait until another time, because Cole might be there? But my mind blanked those out and I ran all the way to the school. The temperature had dropped and it was snowing again, but it wasn’t that cold for me because I was having probably the best work out I would ever have for the rest of my life running.

I got to the school and ran up to his car. He still wasn’t there, so I sat crossed legged beside it. It was 5 all that running took up all my time. I looked around the school; it was dark out now, because that’s what happens when the snow takes over.

Suddenly I remembered something, something very important. My brother was still lying in that hospital bed. Instead of running, I took the bus to the hospital. I knew that I wanted to see Drew, but I needed to see my brother.

Once I got there I walked through the clear glass doors and ran to my brother’s room – the doctors were used to me being there that they didn’t bother me. – I stopped right at the door and peeked through the window. Drew was there; he was talking to my brother. I put my ear to the door and did something I shouldn’t have. I eavesdropped.

“I don’t even know what to do man. Her and Cole, together in that stupid forest, kissing and playing around together.” Drew said, his voice sounded like he was crying. I really hurt him.

“Don’t worry Drew, I know Kim well enough to know that she will always choose you over Cole. I think she’s falling for you.” I think he was right. I am falling for him.

“I have fallen for her; I haven’t felt this way about anyone before. And that’s the thing; I won’t be able to stand it if they end up together man.” That was all I could take of it, hot liquid hit the floor and I realized I was crying.

I took my ear away from the door, and still crying I walked into the room. They both looked at me. Drew had been crying like I thought and Justin looked at me with concern in his eyes, and thank goodness he was no longer trapped to those stupid machines.