Restless Heart Syndrome

Don’t how ask me why I was dating my ex’s friend. Especially when I wanted to avoid this certain ex with everything in me. He cheated on me. I wasted five years of my life on him. He says he only cheated once, and that he’s sorry, but I don’t buy that. I’ve seen too many people end up with broken hearts that way. Once a cheater, always a cheater, right?

His friend was nothing like him. We’d been together a year and a half now, and he still treated me exactly the same he had when we first started dating. Not that Billie Joe had treated me horribly, other than cheating on me of course. Tre made me laugh, and he seemed to love me wholeheartedly. It was awkward whenever I saw Billie Joe, but it didn’t matter. I just tried to ignore all the glances he sent my way. But I noticed how it was beginning to affect Tre. I can’t say that I would want to make the choice between my significant other and my friend. I wouldn’t do it. So, I had to at least try to be civil with Billie Joe. Instead of flat out refusing to go anywhere he would be because I didn’t want to deal with the awkwardness anymore, I’d accept it. And maybe someday, I’d attempt to make conversation with him.

I didn’t feel like informing anyone of this just yet, I didn’t have to. It didn’t matter if anyone knew I was making an attempt to be civil with Billie Joe, but if he questioned it, or mistook it anyway, I would definitely tell him what was going. I wasn’t doing this for him. I was doing this for Tre.

You think I’d forgive him. Billie Joe cheating on me hurt, but his apology seemed sincere enough. Maybe I’d have forgiven him if it had been different. The day he realized he wanted to tell me the truth was also the day I was going to tell him I was pregnant with his baby.

He told me had something to tell me that day. I shouldn’t have done it, but I told him to tell me whatever it was first. That was so fucking stupid on my part, but he looked so upset. I hated seeing Billie Joe so upset, and I couldn’t allow myself to be fully happy about it until he told me whatever was bothering him. “I’ll never forgive myself for this, I’m so fucking sorry. It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my whole entire life, but I cheated on you.” I still remembered the exact words he used, the way he looked when he said them, and the tears that filled his gorgeous hazel eyes that somehow never fell down his face. I was going to tell him about the baby just to spite him and make him feel worse, but that was pointless. I slapped him across his face, called him a dick, told him I’d send someone for my things and I left.

A week later, my life got just that much worse when I got my period, which meant there had never been a baby, and I’d have nothing left from my relationship with Billie Joe. So, five years of my life were proven to be wasted within two weeks. I ignored Billie Joe when he called; I ignored him when he came to my apartment, pounding on the door at one o’clock in the morning, but why? I certainly couldn’t hold anything having to do with the baby that never even existed, but I did hold it against him. To this day, I don’t know why I held it against him. I don’t know why I still haven’t forgiven him, or even bothered to talk to him.

I felt bad for Tre when we first got together, he did everything to keep his friend from being hurt by it. I understood it, but I didn’t care. It was almost like I wanted Billie Joe to feel the pain that I felt. I wanted him to feel like a fool, and I wanted him to feel betrayed by someone he loved and cared about. And maybe he felt that way, maybe he didn’t. Tre wouldn’t tell me if it was causing a problem between him and Billie Joe, he knew I’d leave him if it meant he’d still have his band and his friendship with Billie Joe. I told him that when we first got together. So, either nothing was happening or he hid it.

And he did hide it very well. But, I can see it in his eyes that something was bothering him. It had to be that, I can’t imagine it’d be easy to have to choose constantly between someone you’d known for years and your girlfriend. That was why I’d try to get over whatever it was I had against Billie Joe. I hated to admit it, but I almost wanted to talk to him again. I wouldn’t admit to this either, but I never stopped caring about Billie Joe. And that would prove to be my greatest downfall.