Restless Heart Syndrome

My heart was pounding in my chest all the way over to Billie Joe’s house. Not because I doubted the choice I had made to end things with Tre, but because I was unsure how Billie Joe would react. We had not made a decision on what to do, it certainly was not something we talked a lot about when we were together, and I had no idea what he wanted. He may have wanted me enough to do this to his friend, but did he want an actual relationship with me like we had before?

I sighed and attempted to calm myself down before ringing his doorbell. I realized that I may have been waking him up since it was so early in the morning, but what other choice did I have? This was not something I could put off; I had nowhere else to go anymore. Just as I was going to ring the bell again, I heard the door opening. I was greeted by Billie’s confused, tired face.

“Audrey? What are you doing here?” he asked, with slight concern in his voice.

I had no idea how to react. I was suddenly paralyzed by the anxiety I was feeling. “I’m so sorry. I never wanted things to happen this way, really, I didn’t. It all happened so fast—”

“Wait, what are you talking about? Come inside and tell me what’s going on.” Billie Joe put an arm around me, leading me in his house. As I sat down on the couch, the tears that had been threatening to fall did. He sat down next to me, and held me in his arms. “It’ll be okay, Audrey,” he whispered in my ear. My only response was to shake my head against his chest. This was not an issue that would just disappear overnight. How was he to know that though? I was the one who reacted like an idiot by breaking down in front of him.

“It won’t be okay, Billie,” I choked.

“Please tell me what happened. I promise that I won’t be mad at you,” he reassured me as he wiped tears from my eyes. “You can tell me anything.”

“Tre has known about us since it started.” I looked down at the floor because I did not want to see the expression on Billie Joe’s face.

“How?” he responded quietly. I shrugged my shoulders in response. I did not remember if I asked him or not, I only remember him telling me to choose and then pleading with me to change my mind. “Why didn’t he say anything sooner?”

“I don’t know,” I muttered. “He told me to choose between you and him, and I told him that I wanted to be with you. He was almost begging me to stay with him. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t…I don’t want to hurt him, or your relationship with him. I think I need to go and make things up with him.”

“Why would you do that? You wouldn’t be happy with him. I want to be with you, Audrey. You said you wanted to be with me, why would you throw that away? Of course he’s hurt, but he’ll move on eventually. He might not trust me again, but I think he could forgive me at some point,” he rationalized. I looked up and I smiled weakly at him. What he was saying made sense, but the overwhelming sense of guilt I felt told me that I did not deserve to be happy after what I had done. I should never have broken up with Billie Joe in the first place. He was the one that I loved; the one that I would always love, no matter how hard I told myself that I did not love him anymore.

“You’re not mad at me?” I asked, searching for nothing more than reassurance.

“Of course I’m not,” he whispered. He kissed me on my lips, and pulled away grinning. “I told you everything would be okay.”

“You always did know better than me,” I said with a smile. Moving closer to him, I kissed him. Wanting nothing more than to push what had happened out of my mind, I allowed him to deepen the kiss and I ran my fingers through his hair. Never breaking the kiss, I laid down on the couch. Just as I had only a few hours prior, I gave myself completely and wholly to Billie Joe. The memories of what had happened faded into the back of my mind temporarily. In that same part of my mind, the sense of foreboding I had felt all along still lingered, and soon, I would wish that I listened to it more carefully.