Restless Heart Syndrome

As I laid in bed, I wondered why I had allowed myself to make such a mess out of not only my life, but also Billie Joe and Tre's. If I had just forgiven Billie Joe from the start, none of this would have happened. Everyone would have been happy and things would be the way they should be.

I eventually realized that now was not the time to wonder why I had done what I had done and feel sorry for myself. I had to think about what I was going to do now. How was I going to tell Billie Joe about the baby and the fact that it may not be his? Should I confront him about what Tre told me about what had happened with the band, or did I let it go for now? I was petrified of losing him. I probably would not, but what if it turned out that this was Tre's baby after all? I had no idea if my relationship with Billie Joe could survive that. No matter how much we loved each other, surely that would strain the relationship.

I got myself out of bed, went downstairs, and attempted to distract myself by reading a book. As hard as I tried, I just could not focus on the book. My head was filled with so many conflicting thoughts and feelings. The more I thought about everything, the more I just wanted to fucking runaway the way I always did. I know that I could not do that because I had a baby to think about now, but the idea seemed so nice to me. After all, it was what I did best.

I was distracted from all of this when I heard the door opening. My heart pounded in my chest because I knew Billie Joe was home and I had to face at least some of these problems sooner than I would have liked. I had to try and calm myself down a little bit. I knew I'd get upset all over again when I talked to Billie Joe, but it did not do me any good to be upset right now. I had to try and be calm when I talked to him.

"Hi Audrey," Billie Joe said as he sat down next to me and put an arm around me. I smiled at him and kissed his cheek in response. I knew that I should have said something in response, but even though the words were there, I just could not say them. I felt tears stinging at my eyes once again and in an effort to hide them, I rested my head on Billie Joe's chest and put my arms around him.

"Is everything alright?" he asked, and he put both of his arms around me, pulling me closer to him. I was so stupid to think that I could hide that something was wrong from him; he always knew when I was upset. After all, we had been together for five years before everything happened.

"I went to Tre's house today," I said quietly. I felt Billie Joe tense up at the mention of Tre's name.

"Oh? Why did you go over to his house?"

"There was something I needed to tell him."

"What did you have to tell him? Bille Joe asked, sounding a bit confused.

"Nothing important," I responded a bit too quickly. "It turns out-"

"Don't lie to me, Audrey. You know I can tell when you're lying and I don't think you would go over to Tre's unless you had something really important to tell him at this point," Billie Joe said, cutting me off. I bit my lip and the tears that had been stinging at my eyes finally began to fall. I was amazed that I had lasted as long as I did without crying.

"I'm so sorry, Billie Joe. All of this is my fault. If I had just forgiven you from the beginning, none of this would be happening right now," I whispered.

"Please just tell me what's going on. Whatever it is, it's not your fault. You had every right not to forgive me for what I did."

I looked up at him and I kissed his cheek. He smiled weakly at him and kissed me back. An awkward silence filled the room and I took a deep breath, realizing that I had to just tell him what was going on and be done with it. "I-I'm pregnant and since I was with both you and Tre at the same time, there's a chance it could be his baby."

I felt relieved now that I had gotten my "secret" out there, but I was still nervous of how Billie Joe was going to react. I could not read the expression on his face, and it scared me a little bit. Seconds seemed like hours as I waited for him to say something, anything, in response.

"Why did you tell Tre about this first?" BIllie Joe finally responded. His voice sounded like a mixture of hurt and anger, but mostly hurt. I knew I had made a mistake in going to Tre first, and I wanted desperately to go back in time and do things differently, but I could not undo what had already been done.

"I don't know. I wasn't thinking clearly and I was so scared…I made a mistake by going to him first. Please don't be mad at me, Billie Joe," I said, nearly pleading with him.

"I'm not mad at you, Audrey. I'm more hurt than anything. I understand that you were scared and weren't thinking clearly, but obviously you must feel more comfortable talking to him than me."

"It's not that at all. I have nothing to lose by going to him with something like that. I've already lost him, but I could lose you. I don't know how you're going to react to something like this. I know you'd probably be happy if I told you that I was pregnant, but it's not as simple as that." I bit my lip as fresh tears filled my eyes and made their way down my cheeks. Billie Joe frowned at me before responding.

"After all that we went through to get here, do you seriously think I'd give up on us so easily? I already lost you once before, I'm not going to let it happen again."

"But what if it's Tre's baby? Are you willing to raise another man's child? I'm afraid that one day you'll realize that I'm not worth all of this. You deserve better than me and we both know it," I said softly.

"I don't know what we'll do exactly, but I know that I won't leave you. I'll still love you and raise this baby with you no matter what happens. You're the one that deserves better, not me. You've put up with a lot of shit from me that you shouldn't have to put up with." Billie Joe smiled weakly and kissed me. I put my head back on his chest and pulled myself closer to him, feeling much better than I had before. I was still nervous, but knowing that I would have Billie Joe by side I felt like things just might work out in the end after all.