Restless Heart Syndrome

Apparently, Billie Joe had a very different definition of what a little bit meant than I did. When he said he needed to get out for a little bit, I figured he would be gone three or four hours at the most. I never expected him to be gone for two days, almost three at this point. I was worried sick about him. My mind kept replaying the worst case scenario over and over. I had the feeling that he was alright, physically anyway, but all I could imagine was that something terrible had happened to him and I would never see him again.

I had left numerous messages on his phone, each one growing more and more frantic. I had not slept since he left because I was afraid I would miss a phone call from him, or if he came home, I would not be awake for it. I knew it was not good for me to put myself through this, but I could not help myself. Also, I was punishing myself in a way. If anything had happened to Billie Joe, I would never forgive myself. It would be my fault because I was the one who had pushed him away with my distant behavior and by confronting him the way I had. How could I ever live with myself if that were the case?

I had been alone with my thoughts and constant worries for almost three days now. I slowly came to the realization that I could not do this alone for much longer. I remembered what Tre had said about being there for me as a friend, and while I really did not want to lean on him too much given what had happened between us, I really had no other choice. My fingers were shaking from nervousness and exhaustion as I dialed his number. I held my breath while I waited to see if he would pick up or not.

"Hello?" Tre answered after what seemed like an eternity.

"Tre? It's Audrey, can you talk now or is it a bad time?" I was trying to keep my voice as calm as I possibly could. I only wanted to talk to someone else to distract myself for a few minutes; I did not want to alarm him.

"Of course I can talk now. Is everything alright?"

Before I even realized what I was saying or doing, I began crying uncontrollably. I mentally cursed myself for allowing myself to lose control of my emotions like this. I kept trying to make myself say something, but the I just could not manage it. Quickly, I hung up the phone. I knew that would probably only make things worse, but I did not know what else to do. Even if I wanted to, I could not have told Tre what happened because I could not bring myself to speak. As expected, the phone rang while I was trying to calm myself down. I decided to give myself a bit more time and let it go to the answering machine.

"Audrey? Please pick up, I need to know if-" he paused for a moment and I looked at the phone while I wondered what he was doing. "I'm coming over there to see if you're-"

"No. You really don't have to do that, Tre," I said, answering the phone as quickly as I could. I was still crying and my voice was shaky, but I really did not want Tre coming over here. This was not good for either of us; me leaning on him and him helping me through whatever it was I needed help with.

"Too late. I've already left my house," he said softly.

"You can always turn around. I'm fine, I promise." I forced a smile on my face although he could not see me. I guess it was just a force of a habit.

"I could, but I'm not going to because I know you're not okay right now." He paused for a brief moment and sighed before continuing. "You wouldn't have called me if you were fine." There was a sadness in his voice as he said this that broke my heart and made me feel even more awful than I already did.

"Alright, Tre. I'll see you in a little bit," I mumbled before I hung up the phone. He had already made up his mind that he was coming over here and I was too tired to argue with him about it.

I had managed to make myself stop crying, though I knew if I thought about anything involving the situation I had created with Billie Joe and Tre, I would start crying again. Before I could begin to think about anything, I made my way upstairs and started putting on makeup. I knew it would probably get ruined because I could not keep my mind occupied forever, but at least I would not look like such a mess when Tre got here.

Not too shortly after I put my makeup on and changed my clothes, there was a knock at the door. I forced a smile on my face as I walked to the door and opened it. Tre apparently was not buying it because before I could even greet him, he pulled me into a hug.

"I was so worried about you," he whispered in my ear while he still held onto me.

"I told you I was fine, Tre. There's no need-"

He let go of me, and his eyes met mine which, despite my best efforts, were still red and bloodshot from crying and lack of sleep. I quickly looked away, but it was too late. He had already known something was wrong from the phone call and seeing me in person only confirmed it. "What happened, Audrey?" Tre asked, frowning at me. "And don't tell me nothing happened."

I sighed and walked past him so I could shut the door. "It's Billie Joe," I whispered, still avoiding his gaze as tears begun to sting at my eyes once again. "We got into an argument, he left, and I don't know if or when he'll be back."

"What happened, Audrey?" Tre questioned, his voice full of concern. We sat down next to each other on the couch and I finally looked up at him. He smiled weakly at me, probably in an attempt to comfort me, and although I wanted to return the smile, I could not.

"When Billie came home after you left that day you came over here, I asked him where he'd been and he said he was with you. I knew it was a lie because it hadn't been very long since you'd left and I know you would have mentioned it if you talked to him before me.

"I didn't say anything to him about it because I was too tired to argue with him after all that had happened in those few days. I tried so hard not to, but I became distant around him because of it, and he finally had enough of it. I just snapped and I told him that I knew about everything. I shouldn't have been so harsh…I could tell he was truly sorry, but he still wouldn't tell me where he was when he said he was with you. I-I accused him of cheating on me and when he left, he was just so…sad. And I feel terrible for making him feel that way."

I buried my head in my hands and began sobbing. I was embarrassed to do this in front of another person, but I could not help it. Tre quickly put his arms around me and rubbed my back. I looked up at him and smiled awkwardly in spite of the tears falling down my face. "I'm sorry, Tre. I shouldn't have called you, I just-"

"Don't apologize, Audrey. I'm sure Billie Joe is okay. He probably just needs some time to clear his head," he reassured me.

"I'm sure you're right. I'm just worried because he hasn't called or anything and it feels like it's been forever since he left," I whispered.

"He wouldn't do anything to himself on purpose, if that's what you're worried about." Tre paused to wipe tears from my eyes with his thumb. "He loves you too much to put you through that."

"I don't know what to think, Tre. I just wish he would call me already."

Tre frowned and held me a little tighter. I smiled weakly and felt my eyes close as I allowed myself to relax a little bit for the first time for almost three days. My eyes shot open as I realized what was going on and I tried to pull myself away from Tre's grip, but he would not let go of me. "What's wrong?" he asked quietly.

I laughed to myself, realizing how silly what I was about to say sounded. "I was falling asleep. I don't want to fall asleep until I hear something from Billie Joe. I don't want to miss his phone call or when he comes home," I explained.

"I understand that, but you need to sleep Audrey," Tre said, smiling weakly at me.

"I know I do, but what if-"

"I'll stay here for a few hours while you get some sleep. If anything happens with Billie Joe, I'll wake you up."

I bit my lip as I thought about what I wanted to do. I really did not want to inconvenience Tre any further than I already had, but I was also far too tired to argue with him. Reluctantly, I nodded in response. "Thank you for doing this," I whispered. Tre smiled and kissed my forehead. The last thing I heard before I closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep was him telling me not to worry about it.

***

The next thing I knew, I felt someone's lips on my forehead. At first I thought for sure that it was a dream, but I realized that it felt too real to be a dream. I assumed it was Tre, though I was not sure why he would be kissing my forehead while I slept.

Still trying to wake myself up after being so tired and in such a deep sleep, I slowly opened my eyes. I was stunned and relieved when I saw the person I least expected to see at this particular moment; Billie Joe Armstrong.