Restless Heart Syndrome

The fact that Billie Joe was here messed me up far worse than I was before. Despite the smile he wore on his face for his friend, he was certainly not happy. His eyes gave so much away; they held the look of what he was truly feeling in them. And that was a look of hurt, anger, and sadness all mixed into one. I assumed it was best to let Billie Joe and Tre talk so I used it as an opportunity to excuse myself.

I left a lot. Even if it was only for twenty minutes or so, I still left Tre a lot. I felt worse about lying to him then I put on. Why I constantly did it, I would never know. I knew why I agreed to marry him, it was a simple answer, I was a coward. I could not accept the possibility that maybe, just maybe, honesty would be the best approach to the situation.

“Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?” Billie Joe’s annoyed voice asked from behind me. I slowly turned around as I looked pathetically up at him. “Don’t start,” I responded harshly. This needed to stop. I could not keep doing this.

I had to avoid Billie Joe as I had done before, I had to leave Tre and be with Billie Joe, or I had to leave both of them behind as I had tried to do before Billie Joe had stopped me. Logic would tell you to follow what would make you happiest. That would mean I should be honest before it was too late. I should tell Tre I still had feelings for Billie Joe and go where I belonged, but I was not smart enough to choose this. I was instead choosing to live a lie; to spend the rest of my life with Tre and save his happiness over mine and Billie Joe’s. I trusted that Billie Joe would find someone. That would kill me, hell, the thought alone killed me, but if it was what had to happen, so be it.

“Why not?” Billie Joe whispered in my ear, forcing me to close my eyes in both pleasure and slight annoyance at myself more than him. “Is it because I know exactly what it is that makes you happy in more way than one? Tell me why this has to stop, Audrey.”

“I’m marrying your friend. That’s why,” I said as I moved away from him. He let out a slight laugh. Clearly, he had seen right through me.

“End it with him. It’s not too late. Yes, he does love you, and yes, I’m sure its going to hurt him, but don’t you think it would hurt more to find out he was living a lie?” he asked while trying to reason with me. Tears began rolling down my cheeks; I knew he was right. I knew it from the start, but I did not want to admit it. I wanted to believe I was right. I needed to believe what I was doing was right.

“Is that all you ever think about? Yourself and what will make you the happiest in the end? Tre’s one of your best friends, and you’d hurt him like this? Tell me Billie Joe, does it matter at all to you that I’d end up hurting him?” I asked.

“I care about him, Audrey. I also care about you. I want you to be happy more than anything, and if living a lie is what will make you happy, I won’t try to stop you,” He whispered. I turned to face him as I smiled weakly through my tears.

“You have no idea how much it hurts me. You’re what makes me happy. It’s taken me a while to realize it, but I finally see it. I can tell myself I hate you, but no matter how many times I do so, I won’t believe it. It won’t make being with Tre any better when I think of what you did to me, but I also don’t want to hurt him.” I sighed at the realization that I was only making this harder on both Billie Joe and myself. I felt that I still owed him the truth, even if it hurt.

“If you want me, fucking have me already for fucks sake. I’ll do anything to get you to be mine again,” he stated. I smiled slightly, I always did enjoy seeing his romantic side when it came out. “Fuck, Audrey, if we have to fucking do this behind Tre’s back and everyone else’s, that’s what I’ll do.”

“How willing are you to do this?” I asked before I kissed his cheek, obviously showing my willingness to go through with what he had just said. The guilt was there, and it always would be, and I knew someday Tre would find out, but for now, I could live my little lie and have the man I truly wanted at the same time.