Shadows

Grinning like mad as he laughs, his short dirty blonde hair dances in the wind.
His laughter floats through my ears and coaxes the corners of my mouth to upturn.
Average height, but maybe only from this angle.
Gone, rolled away on his skateboard.
Alex.

I am a creep. I am a hermit. I am afraid.
I am seventeen. I am a female.
I don’t leave my house and I speak to no one.
I am Carson McCoy.

Pushing my hands against the cool glass of my bedroom window makes me feel brave. For a few seconds I am ready to shatter the thin barrier and face the world, to face my fear of the unfamiliar. I panic at the thought of strangers speaking to me. Alex speaking to me. I jump away from my window and hurry back to my bed. I squeeze my eyes shut tight imaging the situation I will never be confronted with. I want to cry thinking about all the ways I can embarrass myself.

I relax when remembering my place in the world. I am not outside standing in front of the mesmerizing boy. I am safe, in my house. I am in my haven. I am where no one outside these walls remembers my existence. I am just a spectator of my neighbor’s life.

“Carson, dinner’s going to be ready in ten minutes.” Vivian, my sister, tells me popping her head in my bedroom. I smile and nod to let her know that I understand. It would be easier on myself if I could speak and just tell my sister that I understand. I can’t speak, even when I want to...I can’t.

If a miracle were to take place and Alex confessed an undying love for me, I still wouldn’t be able to say anything. I’d have to write it down for him.

I am Carson McCoy.
I will spend the rest of my days living in a house with my sister and her husband and kids.
I will get old all alone in my room.
I will die silently and unnoticeably.

That's what my fears have planned out for my life.
I have learned to accept it.