Shadows

I am waiting still, for an explanation from Alex about his behavior.
I am waiting still, for Alex to come back to the house.

Alex left two nights after he referred to me as his girlfriend.
Alex left two nights after he fulfilled one of my old dreams.
Alex left two nights ago and no one has seen him.

When Alex was in the house I felt annoyed and crowded.
When Alex was in the house I wanted nothing more than for him to leave.
Now he has left, I want nothing more for then him to come back.

Every time I hear the front door open, I wait to hear his loud laughter.
Every time I hear the lawn mower, I look out the window and see my neighbors.
Every time I hear someone coming up the stairs, I wait for Alex to burst into my room.

I cannot understand why I would miss him.
I cannot understand why I want him to return.
I cannot understand why I want to hear his laugh.
I cannot understand why I want to hear him yelling to me.

I give up on my book, throwing it onto my bedroom floor I decide to go to bed.
I turn my lights off, the only light in the room coming from my bedside lamp.
I enter the bathroom, I brush my teeth and I wash my face.
I stare at my blotchy pale face, my reflection frowns at me.
I turn off the bathroom light and head toward my bed.

I hear.
I jump.
I freeze.
I don’t breathe.

The knocks echo through my room, the visitor’s knuckles hitting the glass of my window.
I blink at the dark figure outside of my window, fear consumes me.
I am ready to run out of the room.

“Carson! Let me in.”

I squint my eyes, trying to get a better look at who’s outside my window.

“Open the window!” Alex says louder this time, knocking on my window again.

Slowly I walk to the window, my arms and legs are shaking as I push the window open.
Alex crawls through the window, without a word he walks into my bathroom.

I stare after him.
I am more confused than ever.
I follow him into the bathroom.
I am curious as to what he’s doing.

I enter just in time to witness Alex vomiting into my toilet.

&&

“Close the door.” Alex grumbled pulling a blanket over his head. Alex spent the night on my bathroom floor throwing up due to how much alcohol he had consumed. I close the door quietly, blocking out the afternoon sun that was shining into my room.

I thought after he had gotten alcohol poisoning he would be done with drinking.
I was wrong.

“I’m fucking dying. I swear to God.” Alex says slowly, his voice is muffled from under the blanket.

My bathroom currently smells like alcohol and vomit.
My bathroom previously smelled like ‘Ocean Breeze’ candles.

I set a glass of orange juice on floor.
I set a glass of water on the floor.

Alex sits up looking a mess, looking like he is in fact dying.
His eyes are blood-shot, with dark circles under them.
His hair is sticking up at odd angles.

“Wait.” Alex’s voice prevents me from leaving.

This is it, Alex is going to explain himself.
This is it, Alex is going to thank me.
This is it, Alex is going to be the real Alex.

“Pulp?” Alex asks holding the glass of orange juice. I shake my head no.

I am Carson McCoy.
I am disappointed.
I am let down.
I am used to it.