Shadows

Alex’s mom comes home today.
Alex moves out today.

“Have you seen my iPod?” Alex asks, gathering hi belongings and preparing to move back into the house across the street.

I point at the table next to the front door.
I point in the direction of where Alex will exit my life.
I point in the direction of Alex’s life moving forward while mine stays frozen in place.

Alex moves smoothly through the hall, retrieving his iPod.
Alex moves smoothly through the hall, without a thank you.
Alex moves smoothly through the hall, out of my life.

“So, I’ll see you around.” Alex says his good-bye. I blink at him. Was he trying to be funny?

He wasn’t going to see me around.
No one ever sees me around.
That’s not what you say to someone who doesn’t leave her house, her haven.

Alex swung his backpack over his shoulder and walked out of my house, my haven.
Alex swung his back pack over his shoulder and walked out of my life, my existence.

This is goodbye.

&&

In four days, Alex hadn’t bothered to come around.
In four days, Viv nor Dave saw him outside laughing.

Maybe he’s sick.
Maybe he’s on vacation.
Maybe he moved.

I put my book down on my bedside table and stare at my wall.
I put my book down on my bedside table and wonder where Alex is.

I jump, knocks echoing off my window.
I jump, my day dreams cannot be this real.
I jump, Alex’s voice is audible through the glass.

“Carson! Let me!” he hits the window hard.

I hurry to the window, to let Alex inside.
I hurry to the window, happy to see Alex.

Alex stumbles into the dim light of my room, I take in his features.
Alex stumbles into the dim light of my room, I take in the bruises and cuts.

“Can’aye sleep ‘ere toni-ight?” Alex asks, the scent of alcohol is radiating off of him. It was so strong that I want to choke.

Alex is drunk, and he is asking to stay in my room.
Alex is drunk, and he has a black eye and a cut lip.
Alex is drunk, and he has blood pouring from his nose.

I nod my head yes.

‘Want me to clean your cuts?’ I write.

“I don’t want that! I wan’ you to ta-alk ta me! I don’t what this!” Alex pulls my board away from me and throws it across the room. “Ta-alk ta me!”

I am afraid, Alex is angry.
I am nervous, Alex is angry.
I don’t know what to do, Alex is angry.

I lead Alex to the bathroom, to clean his wounds.
I lead Alex to the bathroom, so Viv and Dave don’t hear him.
I lead Alex to the bathroom, in attempt to calm him down.
I lead Alex to the bathroom, in case he throws up.

“Fuck!” Alex curses loudly when I clean the cut on his lip. “Tha’ fuckin’ hurts, Carse.” Alex tells me, using my nickname for the first time.

I wonder who Alex got into a fight with.
I wonder if Alex won.

I smile sympathetically, Alex quiets down.
I smile sympathetically, Alex smiles back happily.
I smile sympathetically, Alex leans forward.

I am nervous, Alex is going to kiss me.
I am nervous, Alex’s face is close to mine.

Alex shoves me right before our lips touch.
Alex shoves me right before he vomits into my toilet.

I am Carson McCoy.
This is my existence.