Shadows

Nightmares don’t always vanish when I wake up.
They sometimes linger with me, making it a bad day.
Making today a bad day, a very bad day.

This morning, it’s the sirens.
They’re all I hear.
They’re in my head.
They’re screaming in my ears.
They’re reminiscing on days I never want to remember.

The sirens echoing in my head reminded me of a lot of things.
A lot terribly unpleasant things.

“Think not of death as an ending, instead as the beginning of a new and glorious life.”

The words were meant to bring closure, I’m sure that’s what they were intended to do.
That might be what they did for Viv, but that’s not what they did for me.
They didn’t do anything except for taunt me.

“Carson?” Alex’s voice breaks through the noise in my head.

I ignore him, I focus on trying to block out everything.
I want to block out everything, I want to forget.

“Are you okay?” Alex’s words break through again, just before the volume of the sirens reaches a new level.

They sound louder.
They sound more urgent.
They sound life someone’s life is on the line.

“What fuck happened to you?”

The venom in his voice didn’t help.
The venom in his voice made it more painful.

I want him to leave, I didn’t want him here.
I never wanted him here in the first place.
I never invited him to sleep on my bathroom floor when he was drunk!
I want him out of my house, out of my haven!
I want him gone!

The first thing I got my hand on, I threw at him.
It’s a candle in a jar, it misses him and hits the wall.
The glass shatters across the room, through my tears the glass is glitter.

“What the fuck happened you?” Alex sounds angry.
Images fill my head, I wish I could scream.

I pick up another object.
This one a glass of water, I throw it at what looks like him through tears.
The shattering sound informs me that I missed again.

“Carson! Stop!” Alex yells just when the sirens in my head go silent.

I drop the clock in my hand, it hits my floor and I curl up into a ball on my bed.
I want to disappear, to dissolve into the air and never feel this again.

"Carson! What in the world is going on in here?" Vivian burst through my door.

I stare past Vivian.
I stare past Alex.
I stare past the shards of glass that litter my floor.

I fix my eyes on Lily peeking her head through the doorway.
How do my little episodes affect her?

"Oh, Alex! I didn't know you were here! What happened?"

"I don't know. She just started freaking out."

I clutch my head, praying to every God that I can name that the noise will die.
I clutch my head, hoping that Vivian gets the hint and gets him the hell out.

“Oh, did she hit you? Look at you! You’re all bruised and cut up!”

“No, no she didn’t hit me.” Alex speaks much calmer than before.

“Maybe you should go to the hospital and get everything checked out. Besides, today isn’t a good day for Carson to have visitors. You should really go.” Viv suddenly rushes, finally taking notice of my anguish.

“Yeah.” Alex says hesitantly. “See you later, Carson.” and with his parting words, he leaves me in my room with my sister and the sirens.

I am messed up.
I am broken.
I am haunted.
I am Carson.