Shadows

I am sitting in the sunroom, feeling the warmth the sun has to offer.
I am sitting in the sunroom, feeling the euphoria the sun gives to me.

“Carson!” Alex bursts into the sunroom.

I turn my attention to him.
I turn my attention to his diamond eyes.
I turn my attention to his golden hair.
I turn my attention to his light hair.

I tilt my head to the side, like a dog trying to catch sound.
I tilt my head to the side, letting Alex know he has my attention.

“You trust me, right?”

I shrug, Alex never proved his trust.
I shrug, why do I trust Alex?

“Good! Close your eyes!”

I close my eyes, Alex pushes me in whatever direction it was he wants me to go in.
I close my eyes, scenes my past fill my head and I open my eyes.

The backyard fills my line of vision.
There is no glass between my eyes and the backyard.

I can’t breathe.
I gasp for air.

“Don’t freak out. It’s your backyard.”

I turn around, I am ready to run back inside.
I turn around, I run straight into Alex’s chest.

I do the only thing I can think to do, I start to hit Alex.
I do the only thing I can think to do, I start to cry.

“Wait! Just stop. Calm down. There’s nothing in your backyard to be afraid of. It’s perfectly safe.”

I freeze.
I stop hitting.
I stop crying.
I am frozen in place.

Alex wraps his arms around me.
Alex hugs me.

“I don’t care how much you cry or how hard you hit me. You need to learn not to be afraid of being outside, or of people. So from now on, you’re going to be outside with people.” Alex sounds like the real Alex.

&&

A week has gone by since I stepped outside.
A week has flown by since I stepped through the freshly cut grass.

A day has gone by since I stepped out of the backyard.
A day has gone by since I stepped out of the front door.

Irritating the skin on my legs, the grass makes me itch.
Irritating the skin on my legs, the grass makes my legs damp from dew.

I run my fingertip across the silky, perfect skin.
I run my fingertip down the waxy, fragile stem.

I lift the flower to my nose and inhale its scent.
I lift the flower to my nose and inhale its scent of freedom.

“Hey.” I do not turn around but I know its Alex. “So, what’re you obsessing over this morning?” he asks disinterestedly.

I hold out the flower to him.
I hold out the flower, hoping he will take it.

Alex holds the flower’s stem between his index finger and thumb.
Alex holds the flower’s stem between his index finger and thumb, spinning it absently.

He throws the flower into the shrubs viciously.
He throws my flower into the shrubs viciously.

“Listen, I’m sick of sitting in your yard everyday. Let’s go somewhere.” Alex says as he pushes his black sunglasses back into the right position.

I cannot see his eyes.
I cannot see his chocolate diamond eyes.

I can only see a reflection in his dark lenses.
I can only see me in his dark lenses.

I shake my head from side to side slowly, I am not ready to leave.
I shake my head from side to side slowly, I am not brave enough to leave.

“Come on!” Alex whines. “I’m bored. All we ever do is sit here and I’m sick of it. It’s so boring. Don’t you want to do something else?”

I pick up a small rock.

I grasp it tightly in my palm.

I drag my small rock across the sidewalk, leaving scratchy lines.

I spell out ‘Leave.’ with my scratchy lines.

“Fuck you.” Alex mumbles.

I watch Alex shuffle slowly down the sidewalk.
I watch Alex shuffle slowly out of view.

I am alone.
I am Carson.