Shadows

I sit in my sunroom, visiting.
I sit in my sunroom, remembering the feel of longing to be outside.

“Hey, will you watch Lily while I go to the store?” Dave asked, placing Lily on the floor next to me.

I nod my head yes.
I nod my head yes, not that he gave me a choice.

“Thanks!” he says in a rush.

I take Lily’s hand and I walk outside.
I take Lily’s hand and I lead her around every inch of our backyard.

I hear his laughter, echoing from across the street.
I hear his laughter, echoing from across the street, begging me go toward the sound.

I have not seen Alex for two weeks.

I resist, I lead Lily back inside.
I resist, I lead Lily to her playroom.

I sit on the floor and play with a toddler.
I sit on the floor and play like a toddler like I used to do.
I sit on the floor and think about Alex.
I sit on the floor and think about Alex like I used to do.

I hear the sounds of skateboards against the pavement and I no longer can resist.
I hear the sounds of skateboards against the pavement and I look out my window.

The sun is setting, casting an orange light across the neighborhood.
The sun is setting, casting an orange light across Alex and his friend.
The sun is setting, casting an orange light across the exposed skin of their torsos.

“Carson, dinner time.” Vivian says waddling into the room, only a few more weeks until two more babies will be moving into the house.

&&

I feel a small sting on my leg.
I feel a small sting on my leg, instinctively I smack that very spot.
I feel a small sting on my leg, instinctively I smack that very spot killing the mosquito.

“You know, if you went inside you wouldn’t have that problem.”

I ignore Alex, still upset with him for trying to force me to do things.

“You’re still mad me.” Alex states, sitting next to me on the swing.

I simply glance at him.
I simply glare at him.

I stand, leaving Alex to sit on the swing.
I stand, leaving Alex to sit on the swing while I walk back to the house.

I feel like I am in control for once.
I feel like I am in control for once, as if Alex and I have switched places.

I have a wall, blocking Alex out.
I have a wall, denying Alex access to my heart and my head.

“Wait?” Alex asks, not orders, at the same time he reaches out and touches my hand and then drops his hand back to his side.

Alex breaks down my wall.
Alex demolishes my wall.
Alex crumbled my wall.

“Can I stay here tonight?”

I stare.
I blink.
I stare.

“Please?” Alex begs.

I cannot help but wonder why Alex is avoiding his home.
I cannot help but wonder what Alex is hiding from?

I nod my head ‘yes’.
I nod my head ‘yes’, and I continue back into the house.

&&

It is late.
It is late and I am sitting on my bed reading.

My bedroom door creeks open.
My bedroom door creeks open and Alex peeks his head in.

“Hey, what’re you doing?” he ask casually, I hear the door click shut behind him.

I keep reading.
I keep reading and hold my book out.

“Don’t you ever get tired of reading?”

I look up.
I look up and shake my head ‘no’.
I look up and shake my head ‘no’, noticing Alex’s bare chest.

The purple ink on his chest keeps my attention.

A single human heart is drawn permanently on his chest in purple ink.
A single purple heart drawn on the skin that lays over his real heart.
“The best way out is always through” written underneath it.

Alex pulls my attention from his chest.
Alex pulls my attention from his chest and he flops onto my bed.

We stay there.
We stay there and we’re silent.

I read.
Alex breathes.

Alex falls asleep face down on my bed.
Alex falls asleep face down on my bed, shivering from the air conditioner.

I yawn.
I yawn and put my book down.
I yawn and put my book down and I throw a blanket over Alex.

I turn the lights off as I exit my room.
I turn the lights off as I exit my room and I make my way to the guest room for the night.

I am a push over.
I am Carson.