Shadows

“Are sure you don’t want to come?” Alex asks me.

His eyes are big and shiny tonight.
His hair is falling perfectly tonight.
His scent is extra alluring tonight.

I shake my head from side to side.
I shake my head from side to side, tying my shoes tightly.

“Are absolutely certain?” Alex asks me, frowning this time.

I nod my head up and down.
I nod my head up and down, beginning to stretch.

Alex takes a deep breath “Fiiiine. I’ll go to the party by myself, alone, without you, just me, no one else, alone and lonely.” He fakes his disappointment while slowly walking to the door.

I simply smile.
I simply smile, appreciating the effort he was making.

“Really though” Alex says becoming serious. “If you change your mind text me, I’ll just be at Tyler’s.”

I nod my head.
I nod my head and smile.

“I’ll be waiting for your text then.” Alex grins at me. “Am I staying here tonight?”

I shrug my shoulders.
I shrug my shoulders, raising a question eyebrow at him.

“Well I don’t know how late I’ll be, I haven’t seen my friends for a while so if you’re already asleep by the time I get back…goodnight, love.” Alex smiles that Alex smile at me before he disappears through the door.

His goodnight leaves a smile on my face through my entire practice.

Love.
He loves me.

The whole three hours I dance, feel like I’m dancing on a cloud.
Like I’m dancing on a cloud, in front of hundreds of people who are cheering.
It feels like my body is floating outside itself.
The whole three hours feels like a dream.

After the music stops, I stop.
I stop and examine myself in the mirrors. I’m sweaty and my chest is heaving up and down rapidly while I regain my breath. Strands of my dark hair have fallen out of place and stick to my sweaty forehead. Above all, I notice my face.

The corners of my lips are being pulled up due to Alex.
My eyes are the brightest, clearest blue they’ve ever been.
I am happy.

Happy?
Alex makes me happy.

&&

I had taken a shower, dried my hair, and put on a pair of jeans with a pretty blue green tank top with a black cardigan on top. The black flip flops on my feet smack against the hallway floor loudly.

I tell my sister I am walking to Tyler’s to meet Alex.
I tell my sister I am fine, I can walk in the dark alone.
I tell my sister it’s only a few blocks away.

I don’t text Alex.
I don’t text Alex because I want to surprise him.

I push my way through the mass of bodies crowding Tyler’s living room.
I push my way through the mass of bodies, trying to find Alex in the crowd.

I see a mop of dirty blonde hair for only a second.

I am sure that it is Alex.
I am sure that it is Alex and I begin to follow as he moves through the crowd.

“Oh my God! I am soooooo sorry!” a hand grasps my shoulder.

In front of me stands a short brunette showing too much cleavage, clearly intoxicated and holding and empty red cup. Which explains the cold, wet sensation all down my middle.

I smile.
I try to smile.
I try to smile at the stranger.

“Here! Lemme help you clean this up.” She slurs and takes my hand and pulls me away from Alex.

I stomp my feet down.
I stomp my feet down but she keeps dragging me along.

“Hi I’m Becky!” she slurs he words together extremely fast once she forces he way into the bathroom pulling me with her. “What’s yur name?” She asks with a giggle.

I panic.
I panic, I have no paper.
What do I do?

I place a hand on my throat.
I place a hand on my throat and then shake my head from side to side.

“You can’t talk?” Becky’s eyes get big and she frowns while trying to soak the alcohol of of my shirt with a scratchy green towel. “Like the little mermaid…your name is Ariel!”

I shake my head from side to side.

“Well you’re Ariel now! Your shirt is fiiiine now let’s go party, mermaid!”

I shake my head no violently while Becky pulls me out of the bathroom, my shirt still completely soaked with beer.

“I know, let’s go find Tyler! He’s my boyfriend, he’s never met a mermaid before!” Becky laughs stumbling through the living room with a death grip around my wrist.

Oddly enough, I don’t mind this random drunk girl pulling me around the house.
Oddly enough, I think I’m having fun.
Oddly enough, I feel normal.

“Tyler! Look! I found Ariel!” Becky told her boyfriend.

“Babe, that’s not Ariel…that’s Carson.” Tyler told Becky, a look of utter confusion washing over his face.

Oddly enough, Alex’s best friend remembered me.
Oddly enough, he was drinking a bottle of water.
Oddly enough, I wasn’t the only sober one.

“Fuck Carson! This Ariel!” Becky shouted, laughing slightly and throwing her arms up in the air, taking one of my arms with them. “Woooooo!”

Tyler looks to me.
I look to him.

“Um, what?”

I shrug my shoulders in response, still smiling a bit.

“Let’s gooooo!” Becky says, pulling at my arm again.

“Wait! Does Alex know you’re here?”

I shake my head.
I shake my head, Tyler looks around the room.

“Stay with Becky? Make sure she doesn’t do something stupid.”

I nod my head.
I nod my head and follow after Becky.

Dragging me along, Becky pushes her way into a smokey room.
Dragging me along, Becky throws herself down on a couch.

It’s hard to breathe.
It’s hard to see.

I look to the one corner of the room.
I see people gathered in a circle around someone playing a guitar.

I look to another corner of the room.
I see two people kissing ferociously.

The most disturbing thing isn’t how short the girl’s skirt is.
The most disturbing thing is that I know him.

I could recognize his hair in a crowd of a million.
I could recognize that scent of his cologne over the smell of smoke.
I could recognize that obnoxious fake laugh over a thousand voices.

It was Alex.
It was a girl.

Together.
Kissing.

I leave Becky on the couch.
I leave Becky on the couch and tap his shoulder lighty.

I want to scream.
I can’t.
I want to cry.
I can’t.
I want to slap him across the face.
I can’t.

His eyes go wide.
His jaw drops.

“What’re you doing here? I told you to text me?”
The girl walks away as if nothing had happened

I glare at him.

“You shouldn’t have walked alone in the dark.” Alex says reaching out for me.

Does he think that what he was just doing is okay?
I slap his hand away.
It’s not okay.

“C’mon Carse, don’t be mad at me. I mean, it’s not like we’re dating or anything…we’re just friends.”

After everything we’ve been through, we’re friends.
After everything we’ve done, we’re just friends?

I bite my lip.
I look up at the ceiling, trying to keep the tears from falling.
I look back down at Alex, a slight smile on his face.
I bite my lip.

Alex reaches out for me again, this time pouting.
Alex reaches out for me again, this time pouting because he knows it gets me.

My hand moves faster than my brain.
I slap him hard across the face.

The pout doesn’t work this time.

“What the fuck!” Alex screams.

Everyone is looking now.
Everyone is watching now.
Everyone is staring now.

That’s my cue to leave.

I am Carson McCoy.
I am an idiot.