Shadows

His presence in the house is not only unwelcome but also unnecessary in my opinion.
I could do almost everything that he’s been doing.
Sure, I wouldn’t run to the store.
However, I am perfectly fine bringing my laundry to my own room.
Yet, I wake up to him not only in my room, but in my closet.

He is breaking a rule. Dave told him not to go into my room. He told him!
I want to scream at him to get out. I want to throw one of my books at his head.
I want to make him regret ever walking into this house. I want to-

Alex spins around rapidly and faces me. I forget all of my previous wants and pull my blankets over my head and hope to whatever high power exists that he leaves. I hope frantically that he will forget about me, that he hadn’t seen me even.

“Um...what are you doing?” His voice is deep. His voice is slightly raspy. His voice is rough. I can hear the confusion. I can hear the judgement. I can hear the mocking. I can hear it all in his voice. “You know that I saw you, right? I can see your hair. Your hiding skills are somewhat lacking today.”

Damn my hair. Why couldn’t I be albino? My hair would blend in with my bed sheets perfectly.
My white sheets are the perfect camouflage for white hair, not brown hair.
If I were lacking pigment Alex never would have found. I would me safe right now.

My praying doesn’t pay off. I knew it wouldn’t. I haven’t believed in anything in such a long time.
Why would praying suddenly work now? It should be fool-proof, praying. It isn’t though.
That’s the sucky part about God, he holds grudges. Whoever say otherwise is a liar.

I squeeze my eyes shut tight and hold my breath, mentally willing him away.
Trying to telepathically expel him from my room, my hideaway.
I fail. I always fail.

“You’re real fucked up.” he said pointedly. “Real fucked up.” he repeated as his voice retreated.

The click of my bedroom door doesn’t convince me that he left.
I hide under my blankets shaking with fear for an hour.
An hour on the verge of breakdown.

&&

‘He broke a rule! He was in my room!’ I march downstairs and hold the board out Vivian.

“I know. I told him too, you were sleeping. I didn’t think it would matter.” She bites her lip looking guilty.

My fear had long ago subsided. I am furious.
I am far too upset with her write anything. I throw my board down and stomp away.

“Don’t be mad at me, Carson!” Viv pleads trailing behind me.

Don’t be mad at her? Don’t be mad at her?
Wouldn’t she be mad at me if I did that to her?
If I woke her up with one of her biggest fears?
If I woke her up with her biggest fear?

Vivian has made my safe place unsafe.
She has made my haven, into a personal hell.
Now more than ever I would love to be fearless.
I would love to be brave and strong.
I would love to run away.

I settle for turning around, glaring at her.

“Come on, don’t look at me like that. I was just trying to save both of us some trouble. He’s a nice kid.”

Nice? Do nice kids go around telling people they’re fucked up?
Do nice kids do that? Is that what it means to be a nice kid?

I shake my head from side to side, disagreeing with my sister.
She blinks at me, presses her lips tightly together.

“Well, I’m sorry.” Viv admits defeat. “Can you please help me with dinner?”

&&

‘Can I bleach my hair?’ I wrote the words fast and then showed my board.

“Why would you want to bleach your hair, your beautiful brown hair?” Viv sounds upset that I brought it up. The tears start to fall from her eyes before I can register what’s taking place.

My sister is crying.
My sister is crying because I want to bleach my hair.
I made my sister cry.
I take the tears as a no.

I should have cried when they brought Alex into the house.
Alex, with his lightly tanned skin. Alex, with his dirty blonde hair.
Alex, with the edges of his tattoo peaking from under his tank top.
Alex, with the way he makes me more terrified and nervous than anything.
Alex, my biggest fear.